Access Rights for Father after 5 years?

Vickicb

Sorry, long post....

A friend of mine is in a bit of a state and feels backed into a corner by her ex. She has 3 kids aged between 8 and 5. The Dad left 5 years ago when their youngest was a month old and has had no contact whatsoever since then, not even a birthday card. He lives in the next town and comes to our town regularly to see friends but does not see the kids. He did not pay maintenance until my friend went to the CSA about 2 years ago. He didn't even know which school they went to or have a photo of the youngest child.

He has now contacted my friend, a bit of a shock but apparently he had a fiance and they broke up recently so we think that has triggered the contact (he was with her for 2 years, she wasn't the reason he left). He saw my friend and the kids twice last week and made it clear he wanted the whole package, including my friend. When she refused he said he didn't want to see the kids if he couldn't move in and be a proper family, and so she had to deal with the fall-out of her upset children over the next few days.

He's now, 3 days later, had another change of heart and is threatening legal action if she doesn't give access. She's reluctantly agreed to fortnightly access.

The reason she is reluctant is partly because she knows if he gets bored and lets them down then she will have to deal with the upset from the kids, especially her daughter.

Also, for a number of reasons, including him currently crashing on a mates sofa in the next town, him not having a car and the fact that one of the kids is autistic and is very hard to take on outings, especially with a "stranger", he wants to have his access time with the kids in my friends house.

She worked very hard to buy and decorate this house after he left and really doesn't want him regularly in her home. She doesn't want to spend the time with him but doesn't want to leave him alone in her house either.

She is coming over for a bottle of wine (or 3!) tomorrow night and I don't know how to advise her to proceed. What are her rights here?

belfastgirl23

In terms of rights, she should check with CAB and see what they have to say.

Her concerns for the children are valid, especially if he is all over the place. Does he have any sympathetic relatives she could enlist to provide either a suitable visiting space or even to explain to him the impact he might have on the kids if he dips in and out too much?

The other thing is that it is possible for visits to happen in a supervised environment. I think they're called something like contact centres. If your friend doesn't want him in the house (which I think is pretty reasonable) then this might be an answer. Perhaps for the first while she could take them there and be around (in another room) in case they need her? Staff there might also help her reinforce the message that with children, it's important to have routines. They're usually run by churches or voluntary organisations BTW.

Hope it all works out okay..

Vickicb

Thanks, I'll suggest the contact centre, although unfortunately the autistic child does not take too well to new or busy environments. Relative-wise she has no contact with his family, I'm not sure they've even seen the younger two, but it's a good idea and maybe it's up to the Dad to arrange that and introduce my friend to the family member. I don't think it's too unreasonable to expect him to find a safe environment to take them too.

milkydrink

Its a really tough call for her, i would like to advise but can offer nothing that I think would help her.
But I do think the supervised centre thats been mentioned sounds good.

TBH its sounds like shes in for a lifetime of "trouble" from him.
My daughters father is a complete idiot, so I do sympathise I really do.
My daughters lucky that she has a great step-dad, shes lived with him far longer than her "real" dad.
Hopefully things will work out well for her in the end.

I know they say kids should always see both parents, but when you have messers like that, you do wonder, don't you.

Good luck to her anyway, I wish her well.

daisy_doughnut_2

hi there

i know after 5 yrs of no contact that another man can leagaly adopt the children i know this because my friend is doing it atm so i guess that says alot if he went to court they would suggest supervised contact anyway as the children do not know him and he has to show he can cope with a diabled child

i am all for children having contact with both parents but this is a case for the exeption

if your friend doesnt feel ok with the visits and he wont agree to a contact center which she can set up herself then just say no and let him go to court
chances are that these kind of fathers are all talk any way your friend has enough to deal with with her autistic child

no court will grant access unsupervised after 5 yrs
no court will make her have to use her home either

its up to him to make suitable arrangements
tell her not to worry the judge will be on her side

good luck an let us know how it goes

daisy

Vickicb

Thanks Daisy - that's great advice! I didn't know about the 5 year adoption thing, she doesn't have a new partner but I think telling him that might just make him realise that he's been gone too long and it's unreasonable for him to walk back in and expect everything to be OK. I'll have a chat to her about it later.

loftus

The contact centre idea is a good one and I agree he can't walk back in and expect everything to be ok, but if he takes this to court the default position will be contact unless he can be shown to be a danger to the children in some way.
I suspect the court would get CAFCASS involved and contact would end up, initially, through a contact centre.

Nicki

Leaving aside all legalities, your friend needs to consider the needs of the autistic child. This situation will be particularly hard on him, and everything possible needs to be done to minimise the stress. On that basis, any access should I think be in the child's own home, supervised by someone the child knows very well. It is very unlikely that the child will cope at all well either with access visits in a strange environment, or with access visits alone with a strange person even in a familiar environment.

hobo28

I agree with Nicki. My brother is autistic so I can understand how hard it will be for him especially.

I would try to sort it out so that he can start off with small visits in your friends own home and build it up. Usually I would suggest a contact centre but don't think this will work in this instance.

If he is genuinely wanting to know his children and has "grown up" himself, I hope he will understand this.

daisy_doughnut_2

hi all

you have a good point with the autistic child i never looked at it from that side
allthough the mother can stay whilst any contact is made where ever it may be
i just feel it unfair for her to feel like she is backed in a corner
and on the plus side going through court will set it in wrighting for the nrp so its up to him then to take responceabilty an be at the right place at the right time it also ensures that a routine will be set for the children so less cofusion for them
maybe if it goes to court then she wont mind having it in her home for her autistic child as it will be peice of mind but just dont be fooled in to thinking its her only option an it has to be on his terms]


daisy

Vickicb

Hi all,

Thanks for your responses. She's not sure about the contact centres because of the autistic child, and also because if she's present she feels a little more in control. She's furious and very upset at the moment and is going to see a solicitor in the week to find out exactly what his/her rights are.