saddened....separation

unsurewhichway

Have set up a new account for this post – hence no details.

I’m not really sure why I am posting on here. I have been in a relationship with my partner for coming up to 4 years. We have a two year old daughter together and he has a son from previous who is 14 this year.

Things have been very up and down since we met and since having DD even more so. I have tried and tried to live as a happy family but get taken for granted at every hurdle. I provide all the emotional support for the family, work 3 days a week in an office in a fairly high powered role which the daily commute from there to home is 2.5hours (round trip). My OH constantly states I do nothing, because work is his be all and end all and we don’t seem to agree on anything. When we row it really feels like ‘the end’ every time and I can’t take the constant emotional upheaval as it’s affecting me at work and also my daughter, which of course if my number one priority.

He left the mother of his son when he was only 1 and has a LOT of guilt over this although they were only children when they had him and this is a big part of my anguish as he treats his son in a totally different way to how he treats our DD and seems to have this inbuilt respect for his mother whereas I am viewed as the opposite. I suffered pre and post natal depression and feel the most part of this was because of the lack of support from my OH. He is a very good father to his son, despite living more than 3 hours drive e/w away he has maintained bi monthly weekend visits and school holidays along with excessive financial help to his mother since he left. My daughter has been a totally different issue. Everyone told me some men are not very good with babies and it will get better and in some ways it has but others really not. I am the main care giver as her mother and he works full time and uses this to separate what is required from our family home in general. My parents are a very 2.4 family and feel i've made my bed and should lie in it but I am so deeply unhappy that for my DD's sake I can't put up with the constant sadness anymore. I see normal families happy and smiling etc and we can't seem to have one day without an argument of some description.

Social media has caused us other issues, and this has of late been the last straw for me as instead of discussing our life with me he has chosen to speak to a female online who he used to work with, without any mention of us even having DD. As if he is living his previous bachelor life.

After getting no where and numerous rows we have made the decision we need to separate for our sanity if anything else. This is where finances come into play. He currently pays our rent for accommodation, yet we both own separate properties. I am lucky enough to rent mine out and I overpay the mortgage out of my salary along with all the childcare for DD. I know many people before me have ‘gone it alone’ but I am 33, thought I was settling down into a family environment and even planning more children in the future (!!!!!!) and feel like my world has been shaken up. My wage currently pays for the overamount for the mortgage on my flat, most of our bills, and childcare and travel for work but leaves me with nothing. He also helps by paying me money towards the monthly food bill, which I take care of.

I have decided to move with my DD to my parents rather than upheave my tenant in case there is a reconciliation as for obvious reasons I don’t want to lose a perfectly good tenant if I don’t have to. I am going to speak to my mortgage advisor as that flat is only one bedroom and I couldn’t bring my DD up there due to the area. I still have saving from before we met that are securely tied away so could use this along with any money from the flat to buy elsewhere but that would be my lot.

I am absolutely terrified of the future and what I should even be considering at this stage. Can anyone help me out with where I need to start thinking? At present on the days I work my DD goes to nursery twice a week and stays with my parents for the other remaining day due to costs. My OH drops her off and picks her up as owing to my commute I leave before them and get home much later also, so would have to look into my working hours and possibly a different more affordable nursery as well for my DD. I want as little upheaval for her as possible but he will not move out of the flat we are currently in and of course as he pays the rent, I will have to go elsewhere.

I apologise for the rant, think I just needed to get that out there as it is driving me mad.

RAS

Are you married or not as that has a huge impact on the financial situation long-term?

January20

FWIW, I think you are making some very sensible decisions: ie moving to your parents for the near future.

Re finances: work out how you will cope will money in the situation you will live in, not as you live now. You may be entitled to some benefits or you may want to increase your hours at work. Your DD will be in school soon anyway so juggling childcare and nursery is short term really, isn't it?

Be aware that your emotions are still very raw and there is no need to make any big decisions very quickly.

Your DD is very young. She will adapt to anything and she will be happy with you, wherever you are!

It's normal to be scared, but you are probably stronger than you think you are. I was 37 and my DD 7 when we went it alone. You just cope and adapt. You make mistakes, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and do better next time. It gets easier.

unsurewhichway

We are not married no and he has just told me last week on valentines day that he has accrued £4k of debt which is viewed as being my fault somehow as he has been paying the rent for me?? despite me thinking we were all a family. He's keeping so many things from me that I couldn't have helped anyway - whichI obviously would have done. I thought we were planning on moving forward and using my savigs along with any equity from the flats to pay for a deposit to buy a house, but he hasn't even told me of these other debts he has but just blames me for it.

Thanks, yes it is quote short term as she will be 3 in november so will get the 15 hours a week nursery paid for so that cost will be factored out and be a massive weight off. I've been thinking potentially I could increase my working hours perhaps or maybe request a day from home to shorten the commute time and cost also but add an extra days pay?

You're right I don't want to jump to conclusions but it's become so vitriolic I just can't live in that life of let downs anymore. Its too damaging and I need to be the best mum for my daughter

RAS

unsurewhichway wrote: »

We are not married no and he has just told me last week on valentines day that he has accrued £4k of debt which is viewed as being my fault somehow as he has been paying the rent for me?? despite me thinking we were all a family.

Normally it is better to be married as then all the assets and debts of the marriage are shared out. As a single parent with a young child, you would proably get more than half the net assets.

In this situation is very much depends on the relative values of the two flats that you own.

It does not sound like you share any bank accounts or cards if you did not know about the £4K debt? If you have any shared accounts, close them or instruct the bank in writing that further withdrawals require both signatures.

In the absence of marriage, you will be left with your flat and your savings and he gets his flat and his savings/debts.

It is vital that you check whether the Council tax is up to date and advise them when you move out. Make sure that all utilities are in his name when you leave (take meter readings in case).

I would suggest that you talk to your parents/firends about the possibility of help shifting stuff out of the rented house that belongs to yourself and your daughter.

Once that is settled, you will be entitled to CSA at the rate of about 20% of net income divided by two for the two children. less an amount for overnight stays. Once his son reachs 16-20 (depending when he leaves secondary education), you will get 15% (these are for the old scheme but the new one ends up paying roughly the same amount.

You may also be able to claim CTC, Working tax credit etc but the rented property makes that more dififcult to predict. You may also be able to get Mortgage Interest Support if you are living in the house but Universal Credit could affect this in the future.

January20

And remember that any debt in his name is HIS debt, not yours. I know I may sound harsh to some but you've only goth is word that the debt is because of the rent, and even if it is, how dare he blame you? Weren't you meant to be a family?

I think he has a lot of growing up to do! Grown men accept the responsibilities that come with having a family!

Beckyy

If he earns enough money to pay the rent then his debt is his own doings and he can't try and justify it that way, don't let him make you think otherwise.

I also think you're doing the right thing, from what you've posted this is fresh start for you and LO and you will be able to be a happier mummy to her without him making you feel like this.


Do your parents drive? Could they drop LO off at nursey the days you work, or look after her while you stay with them to save more on costs for now?

One thing I can't stress enough is to remove your name from everything at your OH's flat - council tax, utilities, home insurance, electoral roll etc. Make sure you're not liable for any of it. The same goes for any joint bank accounts or credit cards etc.

Make sure you have your possessions ready to go and don't leave anything that he could refuse to give back (only write that as was reading a thread about it earlier).

Also, make sure he pays maintenance for your little girl.

Any

How did he get into debt by paying for rent??
Would he not have to pay rent/mortgage otherwise? Live, eat, drink..?
What a b****it!!
You are well rid of this ar**!!
Thank God you are not married!! Seems that YOU are the main bread winner & carer, given pay for everything but rent, childcare, work in a good job... he only pays rent (and a bit of food, how honourable of him!! NOT) AND managed to run debt alongside!!
You will be just fine lady, you seem to only have upwards to go!!

belfastgirl23

I just want to observe one thing.

Your post is very much about being 'done to'. And sometimes life feels like that. But no matter what (except if there is violence) you are in this relationship too. You are making choices about the relationship as well. This situation is partly your doing and partly your OHs. And if you can see that then this is at least a step towards changing things.

Of course it's possible that at this stage you just want out in which case fair enough. But the fact that you talk about moving to your parents in case things work out again suggests otherwise.

Honestly I think you've got a bit of hard figuring to do. My experience with relationships is that blaming the other person is totally fruitless. It makes you feel powerless and it makes them feel resentful. Instead I'd say try to be very honest with yourself. For instance if your OH is struggling financially (you don't say if he is as well off as you) why are you overpaying your mortgage? This may not be the case of course. But you don't say anywhere how he has gone into debt. His financial commitments to his son and his mother are to be admired as far as I'm concerned, he made them and he's honouring them. This isn't the action of a bad man but it sounds to me like you resent this. Are you overpaying into your mortgage to try to force him to cut back on these payments for example (even if you haven't admitted it to yourself)? Somehow I have the impression that money may be an issue in the relationship. Equally you have chosen to work somewhere quite far from where you live which has an impact on your time. You have probably made that choice for valid reasons but does it leave your OH under pressure with your DD on your work days? Does he have a point with anything he says to you?

I'm saying this not to be horrible but because when you're in the trenches it can be very hard to see the nature of the battle. You have struggled with depression in the past, do you think that might be a factor here? I can see you're very unhappy but is it all your OH's fault? Or is he the person who happens to be there and therefore it has become his fault? Only you can answer this. But if you want to save your marriage then you need to.

Good luck!

marisco_2

I am sorry to hear of all you are facing and trying to cope with right now. Others have already given advice regarding the financial side of a split. Though you may not remain a couple for much longer, the daughter that you have together will always bind you two. I hope for all your sakes that you both manage to figure out a way of maintaining a positive and civil relationship as far as being parents to her are concerned. She may be extremely young but to a degree she will be aware of and be affected by all the current tension and animosity. Communication between you both appears to be extremely strained at this time. Would seeking help and guidance via somewhere like Relate help you both to minimise the upset of splitting up?

unsurewhichway

belfastgirl23 wrote: »

I just want to observe one thing.

Your post is very much about being 'done to'. And sometimes life feels like that. But no matter what (except if there is violence) you are in this relationship too. You are making choices about the relationship as well. This situation is partly your doing and partly your OHs. And if you can see that then this is at least a step towards changing things.

Of course it's possible that at this stage you just want out in which case fair enough. But the fact that you talk about moving to your parents in case things work out again suggests otherwise.

Honestly I think you've got a bit of hard figuring to do. My experience with relationships is that blaming the other person is totally fruitless. It makes you feel powerless and it makes them feel resentful. Instead I'd say try to be very honest with yourself. For instance if your OH is struggling financially (you don't say if he is as well off as you) why are you overpaying your mortgage? This may not be the case of course. But you don't say anywhere how he has gone into debt. His financial commitments to his son and his mother are to be admired as far as I'm concerned, he made them and he's honouring them. This isn't the action of a bad man but it sounds to me like you resent this. Are you overpaying into your mortgage to try to force him to cut back on these payments for example (even if you haven't admitted it to yourself)? Somehow I have the impression that money may be an issue in the relationship. Equally you have chosen to work somewhere quite far from where you live which has an impact on your time. You have probably made that choice for valid reasons but does it leave your OH under pressure with your DD on your work days? Does he have a point with anything he says to you?

I'm saying this not to be horrible but because when you're in the trenches it can be very hard to see the nature of the battle. You have struggled with depression in the past, do you think that might be a factor here? I can see you're very unhappy but is it all your OH's fault? Or is he the person who happens to be there and therefore it has become his fault? Only you can answer this. But if you want to save your marriage then you need to.

Good luck!

Thank you, he earns about 3 times what I do, especially now I am part time, and yes it was a lifestyle decision but also because I want to see my daughter, the hours i work are long and hard, but this has been my job since i was 20, hence my money is ok - if i were to work locally I wouldn't earn what I do in 5 days and would just be paying for nursery cover to bring up my child. I am fortnate my parents are close and help me on one day with DD.

I do understand what you mean and I of course am not sully blameless, but I honestly do think in my situation that any form of depression is through continual banging my head against a wall due to him

I agree he's a great dad to his son, and he's has always stuck by his mother, but yes this is a huge sticking point in our relationship as she works a 2 day week, has another child who she again receives payment for off another man and has a pretty cushty life but I am told I am lazy....when I'm trying to hold our family together and also my job.

The overpaying mortgage comment was because the rent from my tenant doesn't cover what the mortgage costs - sorry I think I confused people there - I have to put more money into it purely as the rent doesnt cover the amount of it.

We tried Relate when my DD was about 6 months old but he told them I had postnatal depression and the problems 'we' had were in my head and even the counsellor wouldn't really consider thinking otherwise when she was told that and we never went back. As i say, it's been up and down for a long time.

I have this morning moved my and my DD's clothing to my parents and have said I will move out the other bits when I can as large furniture will need some help and I will need to find storage. He is cross about money and access but I know for our sanity I need to get out of the circle now, the pattern just goes on and on. I've called the council and utilities and removed my name, I haven't cancelled the Direct debits on utilities as they advised he will need to give his details first for a straight swap so I will give him a week to sort that out and I have booked an appt with a mortgage advisor to see what my options are with the flat that I own. I think it is in neg equity so might not even have a decision to make there if i can;t move into it.