One of my bridesmaids has dropped out :(

xCarlyx_2

Last night I txt the girls asking if they could try on bridesmaids dresses on the 1st March. I txt 4 girls, only 2 have txt back. OH's cousin asked if it was in London, then proceeded to say her availability was bad due to work and taking off too much holiday. I said I could come to her or just use her measurements (the dresses I like come in standard S/M/L anyway). Then she said she'd spent all her money on holiday and is broke, so we offered to pay.

She just kept waffling and making excuses, basically trying to tell me she couldn't do it without actually coming out and saying it. In the end I had to ask her whether she just meant she couldn't do the hen do, the dress fitting, pay for the dress (I mentioned the girls paying for their dresses when I asked them to be a bridesmaid and they had a lot of say in the dresses), or be a bridesmaid full stop. Her response was "I'm not in a position to do any of it"

I am so gutted and don't understand why, if she is coming anyway, she can't just stick on a dress we'd buy for her. It doesn't matter if she can't come to the hen do, we just wanted to include her in our day.

A lot of what she was saying sounded like total BS if I'm honest. It's definitely not me being a bridezilla as we have't had a lot of contact lately as she's been away twice. She was the first to say she was up for the hen do and she seemed so happy and excited when I asked her to be a bridesmaid. Now it just feels like a slap in the face and the fact that she didn't even have the decency to come right out and say it or even see if we could help/rejected our help has just made it worse. It was the way she went about it that has stuck the knife in.

We still have to invite her and her bf, as she's family. So we have to fork out 120 odd for their food and drinks, for someone who has upset us this much.

Sorry but I totally needed a rant. I don't know what to do now as we had equal ushers an bridesmaids so they could walk together. I can't imagine asking someone to replace her would go down well.

Tashatutuw

I had a similar situation previously. I had asked my oldest friend and my closest friend to be bridesmaid. 'Oldest' friend was completely up for it and very excited until I started trying to include her in plans, days out shopping and chat about the wedding and then she was suddenly 'too busy organising her sisters birthday party' and 'she would talk to me and be more involved with it after that'. Her sisters birthday is the day after mine but her party was the day before. 'Oldest friend' drank too much and called me 30mins before we were due to go out for my birthday to say she wasn't coming as she didn't feel well due to drinking too much the night before - I was gutted as this is the third year running she has done this and told her as much.

She promptly told me maybe she shouldn't be a bridesmaid and maybe we shouldn't be freinds. I'd felt it brewing for a while with her sudden change in attitude.

I have no real answer but I definitely feel your pain. It is very upsetting and disappointing when you are let down so badly by someone that you felt so close to that you involved them in your wedding. Maybe a blessing?

My sister in law had one of her close friends (at the time) as a bridesmaid at her wedding and literally never spoke to the girl after that day!!

xCarlyx_2

Wow Tashatutuw, I can't believe your friend did that! What on earth is wrong with people? How could she treat you like that and then decide you shouldn't be friends? One of my other bridesmaids is getting a bit like that. Whenever she's said she'll come round for wedding stuff she has cancelled, the only plans she has kept is when I've gone round to hers to go out. She's happy to go out and get drunk and dance, but not to do anything helpful! She apologised on NY an promised to make more of an effort, but we are now in Feb and nothing's changed.

Thanks for the support, yes, very upsetting. I tried to make it as easy as possible for her and it still wasn't enough. I know she cares, she wasn't remotely unkind, but I don't get why money and distance is a problem for her if I'm willing to fix that myself.

Weird about your SIL. I just do not get some people sometimes! Goes to show how wrong we can all be about supposed close friendships.

Tashatutuw

It is a very telling time thats for sure.. I don't know what was wrong with her. Its very sad as we have been friends for 8 years (we fell out briefly before when she did a similar thing but had been close again for a year or so).. part of me wonders with her whether she was jealous of me 'moving on'? She still lives with her Parents and relies on them for a lot, similarly to your other BM, we only hung out if I went to her or if I went to FETCH her to bring her round to my house.. Quite sad but I won't go back now so she has lost out whilst I feel I had a lucky miss.

It will all come out in the wash eventually with your problem ex-BM... hopefully it won't affect your relationship in the long run but definitely don't let it affect your day!!

My other sister in law is talking about not coming to our wedding as she doesn't know who can look after the dog... Family are the worst as you can't pick them lol

xCarlyx_2

I'm hoping my other friend is just being her usual thoughtless self. She drives me bonkers but I love her to pieces so I'm just trying not to rely on her and pray it all goes ok. She was a bridesmaid for another friend recently so she should know how it goes I hope!

It will, she wasn't mean, but it hurt and was so unexpected and I find it very hard to feel sympathy with someone who's problems are due to having 2 lavish holidays a couple of months apart! We can't even afford a honeymoon!

Oh dear! I hope she sorts something with the dog. In the past I've put adds on freecycle (but been told off by mods) and gumtree for a cat sitter when we've gone away. Always got loads of requests from people dying to have a furry friend for a week! Atm we still aren't sure what to do with our cat for the wedding as everyone will be there and my neighbour is away. The current plan is to bring her with and leave her at my MIL's house. I'd love to involve her in the wedding if I didn't think it would end with me on my knees, in my gown cleaning up cat sick lol!

74jax

xCarlyx wrote: »

Last night I txt the girls asking if they could try on bridesmaids dresses on the 1st March.

Then she said she'd spent all her money on holiday and is broke, so we offered to pay.

In the end I had to ask her whether she just meant she couldn't do the hen do, the dress fitting, pay for the dress (I mentioned the girls paying for their dresses when I asked them to be a bridesmaid and they had a lot of say in the dresses), or be a bridesmaid full stop. Her response was "I'm not in a position to do any of it"

I am so gutted and don't understand why, if she is coming anyway, she can't just stick on a dress we'd buy for her. It doesn't matter if she can't come to the hen do, we just wanted to include her in our day.

We still have to invite her and her bf, as she's family. So we have to fork out 120 odd for their food and drinks, for someone who has upset us this much.

Sounds like she doesn't want to be bm and has changed her mind. Maybe she wants another holiday or to keep her money for something else. I doubt there's anything sinister in it, it's just not that important to her, she should have at least called you and told you though.

The bit about her having to go anyway.... She may not go, she genuinely may not want to. Also I wouldn't like it if you offered to pay after I'd said I didn't want to do it. But that's just me.

If you don't want to invite her then don't.

xCarlyx_2

I thought I was rather clear; we offered to help her out financially after she said she was having money troubles, not after she said she didn't want to do it. As I also pointed out, she never actually came out and said she didn't want to do it, I literally had to drag it out of her after multiple txts back and forward. At first she said couldn't get to london, then she said she was having money troubles. So we offered to help with both.

How on earth is that remotely offensive?

I never said she had to go. I said she was going anyway, as she has already said that. She actually said herself that she was coming to the wedding as she isn't working that day and had already cleared it, but that she couldn't get time off for anything else.

It was the fact that she was utterly vague and wouldn't come out and just say she couldn't or wouldn't be a bridesmaid that has upset us. There is nothing sinister or nasty meant by any of it, but a phone call would have been appreciated or atleast just telling it to us straight. I shouldn't have had to repeatedly ask. It's upset me, my partner (her 1st cousin and they are generally very close) and his mother (her aunt).

sharnad

Well either accept she does t want to be bridesmaid or don't invite her to the wedding

Tashatutuw

sharnad wrote: »

Well either accept she does t want to be bridesmaid or don't invite her to the wedding

I do rather feel you are missing the point. OP is just stating that she feels upset and let down by a close family member who initially seemed very excited to be involved in their big day but later changed her mind and didn't tell them straight.

This is not about OP being 'moody' or 'unaccepting' of this ex-bridesmaids decision, rather her trying to state her feelings on an 'understanding' forum to seek advice and support from people who may or may not have had similar. She isn't whinging about having to invite said ex-bridesmaid to the wedding at all rather the way this woman has gone about herself.

sharnad

Tashatutuw wrote: »

I do rather feel you are missing the point. OP is just stating that she feels upset and let down by a close family member who initially seemed very excited to be involved in their big day but later changed her mind and didn't tell them straight.

This is not about OP being 'moody' or 'unaccepting' of this ex-bridesmaids decision, rather her trying to state her feelings on an 'understanding' forum to seek advice and support from people who may or may not have had similar. She isn't whinging about having to invite said ex-bridesmaid to the wedding at all rather the way this woman has gone about herself.

You rather missed my point. I dddidng say she was being moody I didnt say she was having a winge but there is onky two ways to go. Either invite her as a normal guest or dont. Invite her at all

Tashatutuw

sharnad wrote: »

You rather missed my point. I dddidng say she was being moody I didnt say she was having a winge but there is onky two ways to go. Either invite her as a normal guest or dont. Invite her at all

Again, OP had already stated she was doing this.