Reeling from the Reality Check

Historybuff

Thanks for your support, guys. I'm feeling in a better place today and in a much more positive frame of mind. I was so exhausted! I came home at lunchtime yesterday and went straight to bed. Stayed there till this morning. Just shows that sometimes you have just got to know when to stop for your own well being. And I'm on holiday from work now for a week, so I can take a breath and de stress.
I have gone through my payments due this month, left enough money to cover in the bank and have drawn out the £400 left. This month I'm going to try Brogden's envelope system.
One of the problems I'm finding is that, even budgeting for things like clothes etc every month, something comes up and the money has to get spent on something else. I'm by no means wearing rags, but could do with replacing my coat and boots, however, I'm determined to make do and mend this winter.
Also, I'm having renewed frugality in the food department and going back to the challenge of feeding us for as little as possible each week. Today we shall be eating out of the cupboard and freezer. I will stocktake what we have and plan accordingly.
Just having breakfast then getting on with the washing, tidying and cleaning. Have a good day all!

Historybuff

Thanks, Brogden. I do take responsibility for digging us out of the financial black hole, but take your point about involving OH and others more. I think I just want to try to protect them, but actually, it's not doing any of us any favours. I find it very difficult to talk about the money situation because it always causes stress, so try to smooth things over by avoiding it and dealing with it myself. It's become this awkward subject that I avoid talking about at all costs, apart from on here. I need to think about this...

Brogden

Historybuff wrote: »

Thanks, Brogden. I do take responsibility for digging us out of the financial black hole, but take your point about involving OH and others more. I think I just want to try to protect them, but actually, it's not doing any of us any favours. I find it very difficult to talk about the money situation because it always causes stress, so try to smooth things over by avoiding it and dealing with it myself. It's become this awkward subject that I avoid talking about at all costs, apart from on here. I need to think about this...

XXXX

Have a lovely day and rest :T

Brogden x

Moneywhizz

I have been reading your diary for a while and think you are doing a great job.

Using the envelope system and splitting the £400 is certainly the way to go to make sure you you have money left for the last week of the month. I have been budgeting like that for years and it does work.

However I am not sure that you have left yourself enough to live on week by week, and do you have money set aside for things that come up on a quarterly, or yearly basis such as car tax, insurance etc.

It may be worth your while looking at reducing your payments to your creditors rather than to your mortgage. It is more important that you pay off your mortgage than your debt. Although it would be great to be debt free by the time you retire, you need to be able to live in the meantime. I don't mean that you should stop aiming to be debt free but perhaps you should look at more realistic payments each month and not worry so much about a debt free date. Unsecured debt should not be your highest priority.

Hope this is helpful.

hohum

Historybuff wrote: »

Thanks, Brogden. I do take responsibility for digging us out of the financial black hole, but take your point about involving OH and others more. I think I just want to try to protect them, but actually, it's not doing any of us any favours. I find it very difficult to talk about the money situation because it always causes stress, so try to smooth things over by avoiding it and dealing with it myself. It's become this awkward subject that I avoid talking about at all costs, apart from on here. I need to think about this...

It's something we keep coming back to...I really echo Brogden's comments. You don't protect them if you continue to try and bear this by yourself and something breaks - that includes you! You are doing well, and there's no harm in asking for help. It's in everyone's interests as you need assistance to sustain yourself.

Thinking about how you talk about money is a good idea. When you say 'stress', who for? both of you? Is it avoidance of conflict, avoidance of guilt, avoidance of anxiety? Things that worked for me:

- I've written about this elsewhere, but I am constant. My boyfriend could slam doors, start arguments, whatever...we were going to talk about money. there was an interior switch went on for me a while ago that means I don't get upset by any 'sound and fury', I had clarity of purpose. And I had sympathy for the sound and fury, he was anxious and scared.
- I respect that he doesn't like talking about money (indeed, you might not like talking about money!) so i set a timer. 20mins max at a time, I can see his eyes glazing over after that. You could probably do a number of 20min sessions in one go but you do need a break inbetween!
- write notes of the important things you need to communicate (or ask for). Be clear eg 'this is the situation. I need help with x and you can do that by offering x'
- don't blame (even yourself)
- be kind to yourself and people you speak with. All of the stuff people throw up about money, particularly when it's debt, is so usually related to other stuff. It's always not really about the money of course.
- listen. You can live with someone for years and still discover new things about what motivates them, what they value, what they don't care about. Don't assume, ask. I have realised boyfriend (and me actually) need to feel like we have money available. it doesn't need to be a lot, but I feel happier with the ability to say yes to a coffee. I am not so motivated by distant rewards, so I've never been able to say 'oh if I don't have coffee now I will have £2 to put against my debt'. I need to see it! This is why YNAB has worked for me because I can see the impact of my decisions easily. And TBH, having a coffee would usually be more of a priority to me in terms of quality of life than paying back a debt one month more quickly. Mileage may vary, of course...

Historybuff

Thanks, hohum. I think it's a conflict avoidance issue. The moment money or debt is brought up we all go on the defensive and there is a massive flare up. I avoid it because I hate confrontation. I'd rather just get on and deal with it to keep things on an even keel. Now I've had a rest and can think a bit more rationally, the £400 I have to last to the end of this month is going to work. There should be more available, but not having a buffer fund means that I have to pay for things that come up as and when. That's the killer. I have to try really hard to save up a buffer fund.

Historybuff

Second NSD on the cards. Getting ready for relaxing trip away with father and DD tomorrow. All is paid for already and we split fuel and food three ways. We are off to the countryside to chill out for a few days. OH is staying home to look after the dogs and get started on improvements to the living room. Looking forward to walking, chatting, reading and relaxing.
Money available for food, fuel and expenses for the month £400.

DawnW

Hope you have a lovely weekend HB x

Historybuff

Just received the fourth default notice this morning. Three more to go.

Historybuff

Went to a great concert last night courtesy of the Golden Ticket won in the summer and when I came home OH found we had won a huge breakfast food parcel in the pub raffle. Great news.
On the finance front spent £40 on diesel, bought the dog food for the month £35 and spent £6 at the Polish car wash. £319 left...£12.27 per day.
Staying positive.