Am i being unreasonable?

Prudent

Katy- baby - it sounds like you have taken on my ex

No solutions sorry. Mine used to have an enormous sulk when any issues like this discussed, even if I was calm and polite. I hardly ever see him now, but my dd who is 15 does. The other week she went on a school trip to an art gallery. She came home with a small pressie for me and was grinning from ear to ear. The bag contained an Andy Warhol style postcard of a woman crying with the caption: "I wanted to have a child, not marry one."

I laughed until it hurt, and I guess from dd's assessment that he is unchanged.

Its easy to laugh now, but hugs to you because its hard at the time.

ooobedoo

I hate to say it, but in our house at the weekend, it's the other way round. DH is a complusive tidy and he comes home and basically takes over(he works away during the week).

I think DH's motto is 'if it's not a right angle, it's a wrong angle' think Monica from friends and you are nearly there.

He should be the one at home, although he 'forgets' to bath the children.....

lilmoi1985lm

last christmas my mother finally had enough with my father after promising he would wash up after xmas lunch - he managed a spoon and threw out the remainder of the turkey (bones and all) to the dog. My mother never cooked for him for a week or washed / ironed anything. Was an amusing holiday to say the least...

He works away during the week but on weekends now he is like a clean freak. definately learnt his lesson.

liney

Or the fact that she did it all when he was at work, ment she conceeded that being at home with the children wasn't a job (in his eyes)

Or he doesnt think it's fair that he has to cook etc half the days that he goes to work (3) while she doesnt have to at all on the days she is at college.(As mentioned above she has conceeded staying at home wasnt a job by doing all chores previously)

Devils advocate really, but the blokes seem to be getting a rough deal here.

My suggestion is you ready a non cook meal for day one, get hubby to cook on day two, and bite the bullet for day three. Baby steps, and all that.

Katie~baby

I dont ask him to cook (god we'd all be ill) just wash up after i have cooked, after being at college all day, collecting children, hoovering, ironing etc etc
I do ALL the other chores whether im at college or not and i dont want to be standing at the sink washing up when i can be sat hearing my dd read a book or catch a bit of hollyoaks.

Anyways ive had a word, he said he is going to be more considerate and help a bit more, not only did he say he would wash up on the days i asked of he would put his own clothes away and do our daughters breakfast and packed lunch in the morning. Im pleased with that.... For now

I also had a word with his sister and shes gonna have a word with his mum. His mum thinks the sun shines out of his behind so whenever i approach her for help shes not interested as her poor boy works hard etc. SIL is fab at this sort of thing so hopefully i will get a bit more support in the future.

I also stated to him that when i go back to work its going to be 50/50, theres no way im doing it all as well as coming home and cooking etc. He was pretty shocked at that, dont think he had thought of it like that before!

Time will tell eh!

Kaz2904

My DH used to be like this and then after I spent the whole of June sorting out our house last year he seemed to switch. He is now helpful he cooks, cleans etc. He does come home every night and complain about the mess but unfortuantely it is one of those things. It does get messy during the day and as I try to show him it doesn't take too long to put everything away.
His favourite phrase is "You just need to stay on top of things..." but then when I worked 5 nights in a row last weekend he did no washing or ironing. So DD had no clean uniform to wear on Monday and it has taken me all week to catch up on the laundry.
I just don't let it get to me any more. If he comments on the mess then I just shrug my shoulders and get on with whatever I'm doing.

Carmina_Piranha_3

i don't want to sound as if i'm on 'his side' (definitely not, my husband is fantastic and i feel very lucky after reading this thread!) but does he have to work 6 days a week? could he drop a day? what about when you start work, could he go part time then?

my husband 'only' works a 40 hour week but he's tired. i think an extra shift would tip him over the edge and make him grumpy, resenting his family and the demands they make, eating into what little spare time he has. possibly, i don't know.

it sounds like you're both tired and fed up and need a bit of a break, to slow down and feel that your life isn't all hard slog. it's not very MSE but i suggest getting a takeaway one night a week - saving you from cooking and whoever from washing up (unless you dish it onto plates of course).

agree about the nuptials - you must be FAR too tired!

taking the pressure off for one night might make you start to relax and like each other again, possibly.

moanymoany

There used to be a tele programme called 'Wives on Strike' where men changed places with full time mums. To start with the men thought their wives/partners had an easy life at home. By the end of only a few days they had a very different view.

This problem is clearly not unusual and is a difficult one to deal with. When both partners are doing things outside the home it seems obvious that the work should be shared. However, it is not a view taken by many men.

Leaving him alone with the kids for a week while you go away for a break could let him see how much you have to do to maintain children and two adults.

Looking at ways to reduce the work, a dishwasher is a great thing to have but the argument would probably spill into 'why should I load it, it takes no effort' but loading and unloading and putting away is work. It doesn't take as long as handwashing and the dishes are much cleaner but it doesn't do itself.

Take your partner to Relate. They give a safe forum where both of you can have your say and the whole issue can be talked through with the guidance of someone trained in mediation. He may be shocked that you feel so deeply, but as an ex divorce solicitor I can tell you that issues like this can and do play an important role in marriage breakdown.

inmypocketnottheirs

Probably get myself shot down in flames, but have a close friend in a similar kind of position. They have two kids 8 and 6, and she has used just about every trick in the book so as not to return to work, even on a part time basis.

My mate has, for the last 8 years, worked 60-80 hours a week, whilst his Mrs has had the pleasure of being a stay at home mum. My mate has been working shifts, sometimes back to back, just to earn enough to fulfil all their obligations. It has just transpired, that now he is £40k in debt on credit cards. They do not live an extravagant lifestyle, no expensive holidays (caravan in Devon type of thing) two old bangers as cars. The Mrs has refused to do any type of work to contribute to any of the household bills, and TBH all my mate has felt like he is a cheque book.

So, without being judgemental, try to take a look from the OH's side. Men who are the sole providers can often feel that the burden is all on their shoulders. Trying to survive on one wage is very stressful (FGS on two can be hard enough), so I would think that a little understanding on both parts would not go amiss.

Good luck!

Oldernotwiser

I've a great deal of sympathy for the situation you're in as I've been there myself. Your husband sounds a real pig but a couple of points do strike me.

Are you very houseproud? Obviously cooking and washing up need to be done most days but after 5 years of being at home full time have you got into the habit of having the house spotless and everything in tip top order? I don't mean to sound too much of a sloven but the world won't end if the house isn't vaccuumed every day and clothes don't always have to be ironed.

In the longer term, I wonder if your approach to the future situation is the right one. Even if he's a pig, your OH obviously works long hours and to tell him he'll soon be doing half the housework on top must fill him with dread. There may not seem to him to be any point in helping now if things are going to get even harder when you get a job after graduation. Perhaps this is why he resents your studying; there doesn't seem to be anything in it for him!

Obviously I'm not suggesting that you do all the domestic work once you're employed but when there's 2 incomes, perhaps he'll be able to cut down his hours to a more reasonable number, giving him more time and energy to help out. Perhaps some of the new income could go towards paying for a cleaner regularly. If you could make him see that his life (and everybody else's) will be better when you start employment, he might see the present situation as being more of a team effort towards a better future for you all.

I still think he's a selfish pig but you might find this approach more helpful in the long run.