Divorce is it worth it?

spender

I would like a general non judgemental opinion. Who comes out worse after divorce? I have read Jacks thread etc but want some general information. Has it changed from years ago when the female always won a large payout. My very close friend is going through a hell of a time. His wife has left him for another man but they are still in the same house for some of the time. He cannot afford a home himself and to keep the matrimonial home going. Since the wife spends most of her time at her new man's their two children aged 15 and 11 are suffering and cannot understand why mum choses to spend her nights elsewhere. He understands the marriage is over but to have the new man shoved in his face is really hurting since they have arranged to meet the children without the divorce going through. Deep down he is hoping that the new relationship does not last and he will have the last laugh. At the moment he is left with looking after the children and losing his house, what can he do. His wife choses to work part time so she can spend most of the day with the lover. Although I have been through a divorce I can not advise on this situation

GobbledyGook

In my experience the person with the primary care of children keeps the home. In my divorce that was me, but in my friend's it was her husband.

I can only say that from my experience it was quite fair for us both. My ex (who is my OH again so apologies if I seem confusing if I slip between both) was a very high earner and I wasn't. Some people would maybe look at cash amounts and think he paid a fortune, but in proportional terms it was fair.

A lot of our divorce was based on the children tbh so if he has care of the children a lot may fall in his favour.

With ref to Jack's case - I was gobsmacked by his case tbh. The judge involved in stamping our finances was even insistent that tax credits I could claim, but didn't were included as my income as that was my choice. He was very much of the opinion that I mostly had to fend for myself after a certain point.

spender

Gobbledygook happy to hear you are together. I have been divorced many moons ago which was hard, but am happily married so find it hard to be objective and offer advice. He is finding it hard that she has dropped the kids to be with the new man. They have done nothing wrong and it is upsetting him. They currently live in a nice house and he is worried he is going to end up with a bedsit

GobbledyGook

He won't if he has the kids.

Tbh he'd be better sorting things asap. While things are rosy with the other man she might be happier to cut all ties. If things start to go bad there she might start wanting the house to keep the kids etc.

In general the standard of living for everyone will drop. I was unusual in that mine and the kids' didn't really because our finances were so healthy.

However it shouldn't leave the person with the care of the children in a bedsit with them.

motorguy

GobbledyGook wrote: »

Tbh he'd be better sorting things asap. While things are rosy with the other man she might be happier to cut all ties. If things start to go bad there she might start wanting the house to keep the kids etc.

+1

To be honest to an extent she is having her cake and eating it.

Shes working part time as she can afford to not work full time and its giving her more time in her new relationship.

She gets to see the kids every day and has an in house babysitter which means she can come and go as she pleases.

And for want of a better phrase, she can "straddle both camps" as she has the security of her own home and can visit her new man in his home.

Meanwhile everyone else is living in a limboland nightmare.

Sod that. I would be forcing the issue. I would be seeing a solicitor immediately, putting in for custody of the kids and putting in for maintenance from her.

No doubt she will suddenly want custody of the kids and to stay in the marital home with them, BUT the kids are at an age where the courts will take their views into account, and at that age they may opt to stay with dad.

And if they dont just see how comfy her life is when shes working full time again, struggling to pay bills and has two resentful teenagers to contend with, which clearly new boyfriend currently has little or no interested in.

Tiglath

DH was in this situation during his first marriage, although his ex didn't work. He worked fulltime, and cared for the kids evenings/overnight while she went out with her new man, whereas she looked after them during the day. They carried on sharing a house for about 6 months but it was painful. In the end they sold the marital home and split the proceeds exactly in half, and the kids went to live with the ex and her new man; if she'd decided she wanted the house, I don't know what would've happened. DH had them every other weekend plus chunk of the holidays, and visited a couple of times a week. He paid a huge amount of maintenance under a private agreement (about 40% of his net income, I think), but the CSA got involved when she claimed benefits and they halved the maintenance. I'd met him by that point and he moved in with me, so my income was taken into account in the sense that he had a roof over his head and somewhere for the kids to stay.

themull1

Ive been divorced twice, oncce with kids, once without, both amicably, and just did it ourselves fairly.

Voyager2002

Tell him to see a solicitor, and if possible find a good one. Legal advice is horribly expensive, but the cost not knowing the legal situation is considerably higher.

Once he knows broadly what the law says about the situation, he can have a conversation with his wife (by email if in person is too difficult) to ask her what she wants to happen about the house, the children and everything and what arrangement she thinks is fair. If a couple agree on how to arrange things, and they have both had legal advice, then the court will simply rubber-stamp their agreement. If they cannot agree then the court will make arrangements, but that tends to be so expensive (legal fees for the lawyers on each side) that most of what they are arguing over gets lost anyway.

Slinky

motorguy wrote: »

+1

To be honest to an extent she is having her cake and eating it.

Shes working part time as she can afford to not work full time and its giving her more time in her new relationship.

She gets to see the kids every day and has an in house babysitter which means she can come and go as she pleases.

And for want of a better phrase, she can "straddle both camps" as she has the security of her own home and can visit her new man in his home.

Meanwhile everyone else is living in a limboland nightmare.

Sod that. I would be forcing the issue. I would be seeing a solicitor immediately, putting in for custody of the kids and putting in for maintenance from her.

No doubt she will suddenly want custody of the kids and to stay in the marital home with them, BUT the kids are at an age where the courts will take their views into account, and at that age they may opt to stay with dad.

And if they dont just see how comfy her life is when shes working full time again, struggling to pay bills and has two resentful teenagers to contend with, which clearly new boyfriend currently has little or no interested in.

This was what happened in my parents marriage. We ended up living in limbo whilst my mother came and went as she pleased for over a year, still sleeping in the same bed as my Dad as there was no other. When she finally left for good, us kids were left with Dad as being surplus to her needs........ I haven't spoken to her voluntarily for 30 years, or at all for 20.


She's playing a dangerous game.

marisco_2

Your friend needs to seek the advice of a good solicitor to protect his and the children's interests. It wont come cheap but then neither would it to not do this, and effectively risk being taken to the cleaners without having an understanding of his rights. Once your friend knows where he stands he will be in a position to make informed decisions about how best to proceed.

His wife stands to lose far more that is of actual real value, in terms of the possible damage her current behaviour will be doing to her relationship with the children. Cars, houses and other possessions are just filler in life. People can start again and replace all of them in time. The love, trust and respect of your children should never be gambled with, once it is lost you risk never getting it back. It is such a shame that some people can have their heads turned so easily, and lose all sense of responsibility and perspective. I hope your friend will be okay and has supportive friends and family to see him though this time.

spender

Thanks for all the advice, I posted last night after he had contacted my husband and I despairing as she had announced she was going to the boyfriend (can you call them a boyfriend when still married) for the weekend and he had just come home from work. She also expects him to top up her earnings from his earnings. He does not know which way to turn as the house is in joint names. She met her boyfriend when they both worked together and it developed from there. She seems to be really happy which I feel is that she is having all the fun and none of the day to day routine which he is having to do, such as homework and childcare. He never saw this coming and he also feels quite humiliated and has not told many people. I have told him to be open