is it betted to be single than lonely in a marriage

Valli

thrifties wrote: »

Husband thinks no one else would look at me,

No he doesn't think that, nor does he believe it. He's saying that to scare you into staying (and being his skivvy).

Which, now I read properly I see others have also picked up on.

But I had that said to me, too. BS, utter BS.

thrifties

He booked a 17 day trip to spain on his motorbike and then told me, following a counselling session he canx this acknowledging selfish act. Hes now going for 10 days on a tour, this will be on his brand new bmw motorbike! Have to add we have a week booked in Tunisia.
The more I think about this thd more foolish I feel but thd clearer it becomes. He tells me to be selfish instead of pleasinb everyone else. I need to start putting mysslf first for a change. Thanks again

marisco_2

thrifties wrote: »

He tells me to be selfish instead of pleasing everyone else.

When you are in a healthy relationship each person has no need to behave selfishly. There is natural give and take and the want to find a happy balance. It is when one or both people don't accept that a marriage involves compromise that problems start. Taking another persons thoughts and feelings into account does not come down to trying to please, rather just being considerate and showing respect.

thrifties

He originally said in Dec that he will move in to rented and pay half of mtge and money for our daughter who is 17 and in sixth form.
We are in fortunate position to both work f/t and only a year off being mtge free. I have everything a nice home a car and a job. What I haven't got is an equal marriahe with a man who loves and respects me. There's no price on that is there.
I am not perfect by any means, I have said many unkind thinhs to him and my job has been very stressful and put a strain on our home. I feel like im failing, I suppose it's grievinh like prev posts.

marisco_2

thrifties wrote: »

I have everything a nice home a car and a job. What I haven't got is an equal marriage with a man who loves and respects me. There's no price on that is there.

You cannot make someone love you, all you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them and sometimes no matter how much you care, some people just don't care back. You are in a horrible place right now, but keep telling yourself that your value doesn't decrease based on his inability to appreciate your worth.

mountainofdebt

thorsoak wrote: »

Start by the practicalities: set up your own bank account if at the moment you have a joint account. Gather up your own documentation - passport, birth and marriage certificates, insurance policies etc.

Do you have a joint mortgage? Or are you in rented accommodation. Do you want to leave the house and start all over again - or do you want to stay and want him to leave? Start to clear your thoughts. As Person One has said - stop doing for him - cook, clean and do laundry for yourself only - he's going to have to do his own from now on!

Actually call me a devious mare but until everything was in place for me (savings he didn't know about etc) I would carry on as normal ......then when the time was right for me I'd hit him with a sledgehammer he'd never forget

EchoLocation

Other people can offer advice, but only you will ultimately know what's best for you. You probably already know.

I will, however, answer your question in the thread title "is it better to be single than lonely in a marriage"...

Yes it is. And I really wish more people would realise that.

jetplane

thrifties wrote: »

He originally said in Dec that he will move in to rented and pay half of mtge and money for our daughter who is 17 and in sixth form.
We are in fortunate position to both work f/t and only a year off being mtge free. I have everything a nice home a car and a job. What I haven't got is an equal marriahe with a man who loves and respects me. There's no price on that is there.
I am not perfect by any means, I have said many unkind thinhs to him and my job has been very stressful and put a strain on our home. I feel like im failing, I suppose it's grievinh like prev posts.

Don't blame yourself, you have probably put him, your children, your home and your job before yourself for many years. This is a hard habit to break. Arrange some counselling for yourself because this will help you break old habits and see how strong you already are.

At age 47 my friends husband told her he had been having an affair for over 5 years and he was leaving to move to the next village. They had been together almost 30 years, she had no idea and was was devastated. They were mortgage free as she had paid this from inheritance early in their marriage, he forced her to remortgage to give him half of the equity and spent it travelling the world with his new girlfriend. She has just celebrated her 50th and over the last 3 years she has blossomed into the life and soul, she has found new hobbies and made new friends. I swear that the look of pity reflected in some of our married friend's eyes three years ago has now turned to envy.

indsty

Twenty years ago I was where you are now. Separating is awful, stressful, and absolutely wonderful. You will go through a bad "year" but then you will wish you had done it years ago. We all make our wedding vows with the best of intentions - but we need to forgive ourselves when it hasn't worked out, especially through no fault of our own. I have stayed single since that time - my three children who were teenagers - flourished and thrived. I am happy and much better off both emotionally and financially.