is it betted to be single than lonely in a marriage

thrifties

Crisis point in marriage. Volatile relationship, 23 years married and togethed 28. HB told me wants out 27dec, we havw said this to each other , many times in anger but always make up. Felt like my world ended. Talked and talked and dexided to try counsellor for last attempt. Both started communicating agaim and he has made some effort. This last week hes made no effort with me. I work full time in a demanding job yet sfill do the bulk of every thing. In a week he has washed up once and heated tea up once. Its all about him and what he wanys amd his needs. I feel an emotijnal wreck and so alone. He says I am emotionally needy. I just want ro know I am loved and suppoefed its no big deal. Very selfidh and I have put up with it. I feel a fool and thinking of ending the marriage. I will now where i stand if hes not in my life. Is it better to be alone or lonely in marriage. Not sure how much more I can take. Any advice welcome, I think I know what I need to do its just doing it.

marisco_2

Please don't feel like a fool. It can take people a long time to come to terms with the fact, that a relationship they once thought had so much hope and promise, now no longer does.

Unhappily married can mean that there is no hope of change or it can mean there is still hope for improvement. If there is hope for improvement, then by all means being unhappily married with the one you love is much better than being single. However, if every day you are coming home to an unhappy marriage and you know that all the love, trust and respect you two once shared is gone, then your relationship is broken. In this instance after having explored every avenue to sort things out, calling a day on it and being single would be so much better.

Only you know which of these scenarios applies to you. I wish you a lot of luck for your future and am genuinely sorry to hear of the upsetting time you are going through right now.

Ilona

Op I feel for you. There is nothing worse than being in a one sided relationship that isn't working, I have been in several. Each time I found the strength to get out, and each time it was a relief. Now I am happily single and I love it.

It is horrible breaking up, but when there is nothing left to salvage you are best to start afresh and make a new life. My opinion. I wish you well, you must do the best for yourself.
Ilona

thrifties

Thanks for your reply. Having just re read my post the spelling and grammar is awful - I can spell honestly.
I feel sad that he could just make some effort and things could work out. Having said that the answer is he clearly does not want to and I have to make a decision. We were 16 & 18 when we met so hes been part of my life for a very long time.
Your signature very apt thanks again

themull1

When my second husband left after my marriage had steadily gone down hill, i thought my world would end. I didnt cry - i sort of had water continuously running out of my eyes, i couldn't control it, i had to put nappy cream on my cheeks because my skin was burning with the salt, didnt watch tv for weeks because i felt guilty, didnt eat for four days, paced the floor, then i got over it, had a life again, vowed never to go out with another man, then met a lovely man who is now my husband!

I have no feelings for my ex at all now, he left me three years ago. He's getting married in vegas in April, i'm not the slightest bit bothered.

I would say its definitely better being single than in a loveless marriage, and then, if you want to, meet someone you deserve, there are plenty of people in the same boat, xx But its bloody hard at first!!

thrifties

Husband thinks no one else would look at me, in fact its the last thing on my mjnd. Thanks all,

jetplane

This life is all you have known and the prospect of starting afresh must be very daunting. From your first post it sounds as though your husband has made his decision and has no interest in making an effort and possibly thinks eventually you will leave.

Does it have to be you who goes can he not leave? You will receive some good advice on here and hopefully find some help in rebuilding your confidence. It's a big leap into the unknown after nearly 30 years but it could be an even bigger adventure.

Person_one

thrifties wrote: »

Husband thinks no one else would look at me, in fact its the last thing on my mjnd. Thanks all,

Particularly nasty attempt to reduce your self esteem there, a trick often used by unpleasant controlling men.

However long it takes to get organised to leave permanently, stop cooking and cleaning for him as of tonight.

thorsoak

You only have one life: so start living the one that you have!

You've sadly realised that the relationship you have had with your OH has come to the end of the road - so now, it's time to start on your new journey.

Start by the practicalities: set up your own bank account if at the moment you have a joint account. Gather up your own documentation - passport, birth and marriage certificates, insurance policies etc.

Do you have a joint mortgage? Or are you in rented accommodation. Do you want to leave the house and start all over again - or do you want to stay and want him to leave? Start to clear your thoughts. As Person One has said - stop doing for him - cook, clean and do laundry for yourself only - he's going to have to do his own from now on!

Of course you are going to be sad - you will be grieving as much as I did when my OH died- you've lost something that you thought you had for life. Allow yourself to grief - but start looking forward to making a new life for yourself - pleasing yourself and doing what YOU want to do - it will be a challenge, but you can do it. You will find support from friends and work colleagues once you take them into your confidence.

You are not alone x

themull1

thrifties wrote: »

Husband thinks no one else would look at me, in fact its the last thing on my mjnd. Thanks all,

They all say that, make you feel inferior, but you know what? i found my prince charming who loves me more than anything in the world, and its only now, i realise what ive been missing.

Pont

Nice post thorsoak - couldn't have put it better myself!