Would you say something?

dandy-candy

My DS1 is 21 years old and has had terrible eczema since he was a baby. He honestly has the worst eczema I've ever seen, it is head to toes and is both scabby and peeling. When he was little it was my job to keep him creamed, medicated and fed on thing that didn't make it flare up, but it never went away completely.

He lives at uni now and doesn't bother watching his diet, stays up late, drinks, can't be bothered to shower and cream everyday etc.

He's home still on his Xmas break and he sits around scratching all day and it is going to sound harsh but as much as I love him and feel sorry for him it is getting pretty disgusting.

I went to change his bed and there was a pile of dead skin in it, he sits in the lounge in front of his laptop scratching away and a pile builds up on the floor. I came down the other morning and in front of the brown armchair he had abandoned his shoes and sock and the chairs seat was littered with white flakes of skin where he had put his feet up for a good scratch.

A few nights ago as he came to sit at the table for dinner he said "My skins really bad today" and began picking big flakes of his forearms at the table. DH said "that's nice dinner time conversation" and DS1 started saying "you should try living with it! How do you think it is for me!" We are all sorry for him, it must be awful and we know he hates it - sometimes he won't go out and he never gets a girlfriend - but it is really gross when he won't bother taking care of himself. If you say put some cream on or have a bath, he just says "yeah in a bit" and keeps playing his console games and never does it.

Last week I made him have a bath and got him to sit on my bed in his pants while I creamed him from head to toe and put on his tube bandages like I used to when he was a baby - but he's 21 for goodness sake! He should make the effort himself.

Yesterday he looked bad and I said "you need a bath" and he said "later" he sat for 10 hours on his laptop and never had his bath. He walked around scratching then kept going into the fridge for stuff. It turns my stomach sometimes but if I say anything I'm afraid it will be seen as heartless. What should I do?

mcja

Bear in mind my kids are still only 9 and 6, but if you cant say something as his parents, who can?


If it is as bad as you see, and he isn't looking after it, he is going to make himself raw and bleed soon. Then he runs the risk of infection.


Apologises if I am wrong, but hubby suffers from fairly mild excema and that's bad enough when he scratches raw and CBA to put cream on.

lee111s

Tell him it's unacceptable the way he's going on and if he wants to be like that at uni so be it however when living in your house you require him to shower or bath every morning and put his cream on as you're not going to put up with having to clean up after him every day.

Mojisola

dandy-candy wrote: »

He lives at uni now and doesn't bother watching his diet, stays up late, drinks, can't be bothered to shower and cream everyday etc.

A few nights ago as he came to sit at the table for dinner he said "My skins really bad today" and began picking big flakes of his forearms at the table. DH said "that's nice dinner time conversation" and DS1 started saying "you should try living with it! How do you think it is for me!"

He should make the effort himself.

Yes, time for him to grow up. He's making his condition worse by not bothering.

It must be hard for him but a heart-to-heart talking about how he is making it worse is called for. He's going to be very unpopular with flatmates if he continues to neglect himself.

He probably feels that everyone else has a brilliant life and he's the only one with problems. The reality is that lots of his peer group will be dealing with health issues - diabetes, IBS, etc.

Georgiegirl256

mcja wrote: »

If it is as bad as you see, and he isn't looking after it, he is going to make himself raw and bleed soon. Then he runs the risk of infection.

This is very true. I think one of the things that stopped me itching so I removed layers of skin was the fact that I kept on getting told that it might get infected. I have eczema, and whilst it is not really that bad and only flares up now and again, I did once get it quite bad in he crooks of my arms and on my legs, and I was prescribed a steroid cream which helped a lot, and really calmed the itching. But I guess if his is more widespread then that might not be an option. When did he last see the doctor about it? The creams recommended for eczema like E45 etc, really didn't do anything for me at all, in fact, I found it sometimes made the itching worse, and like I say, the only thing to get it back under control was the steroid based cream.

I appreciate it isn't very pleasant seeing someone scratch away, but until you've been in that position yourself, you wouldn't believe how unbelievably itchy it is! :eek: Having said that, he is at an age where he needs to take control of it himself.

ostrichnomore_2

Poor lad. He's probably feeling very hard done by and that it's very unfair he has to deal with this. It is unfair. He still has to deal with it, and until he accepts that then his condition is only going to get worse.

You might point out that while he can't help having a skin condition, it's just good manners not to leave piles of skin everywhere. How revolting! You might also point out that while he feels like a hideous freak (tongue in cheek if he's got a bit of a sense of humour about it) he is not unlovable. He'll get a girlfriend. People fall in love with people with terminal diseases, serious disabilities, and conditions that are far more disfiguring than this. His condition won't put off the right person. But what WILL put them off is his refusal to manage it as best he can, use the baths and creams and wraps that reduce it, and they will absolutely be put off by someone with the disgusting habit of peeling off skin at the dining table, and who abandons piles of skin flakes around for them to clear up.

Manners, boy, manners!

OH has eczema, fairly mildly now, but quite bad when he was younger. He found it embarrassing (still does sometimes) but it never stopped him doing anything or turned him into a person with disgusting habits. It doesn't bother me in the slightest. Does your son think everyone with it is single?

Mind you, it can be hard to get any 21 year old lad to take enough baths...:rotfl: but for him it is too important to neglect.

You can't force him to look after himself. It's his choice to suffer more than he needs to and feel sorry for himself. OK. Maybe he has to learn his own lessons about that. But you can insist that he behaves in a more considerate way in your home.

JimmyTheWig

dandy-candy wrote: »

My DS1 is 21 years old and has had terrible eczema since he was a baby. He honestly has the worst eczema I've ever seen, it is head to toes and is both scabby and peeling.

He has my sympathies. I get it from time to time, but nothing like as bad as you describe here.

When he was little it was my job to keep him creamed, medicated and fed on thing that didn't make it flare up

But that's not your job now.

He lives at uni now and doesn't bother watching his diet, stays up late, drinks, can't be bothered to shower and cream everyday etc.

Ultimately that's his choice. If he would rather do these things and cope with the consequences to his skin then that's up to him.
As long as he knows what you know about what makes his skin bad (e.g. if you've always done the food shopping at home, does he know what to look out for on labels, etc?) then it is his choice whether to look after his skin or not.

I went to change his bed and there was a pile of dead skin in it

Ok, that's easily fixed.
From now on, everyone in your house over the age of 17 (say) changes their own bed. Up to him if he does it or leaves it.

he sits in the lounge in front of his laptop scratching away and a pile builds up on the floor. I came down the other morning and in front of the brown armchair he had abandoned his shoes and sock and the chairs seat was littered with white flakes of skin where he had put his feet up for a good scratch.

Next rule - everyone in your house cleans up after themselves. Not as easy as the first rule as it is harder to enforce because it affects other people if it doesn't get done. Hopefully he'll just do it. If not you will need to come up with incentives / punishments / consequences.

A few nights ago as he came to sit at the table for dinner he said "My skins really bad today" and began picking big flakes of his forearms at the table. DH said "that's nice dinner time conversation" and DS1 started saying "you should try living with it! How do you think it is for me!"

Picking flakes at the dinner table is not appropriate.
But talking about his medical condition at the dinner table seems reasonable to me. It's good that he is happy to talk about it rather than brush it under the table. If he talks about it you can remind him of ways that you have dealt with it in the past.
I accept that it would be better to have that conversation elsewhere, but how often do you get a chance to talk as a family? If he is playing computer games all the time, you guys are out at work, there's always jobs that need doing around the house, etc there may well not be many other chances for him to talk to you.

Rottensocks

I suppose I am going to sound evil saying this, but if his own mother finds his scratching & bathing habits stomach churning, what will this be doing to him socially?

I imagine a first dinner date going well, if he's unaware that picking scurf off his arms at the table isn't just a teensy bit gross?

His condition is horrible - we have eczema & psoriasis in our family too. But as you say, it can be dramatically improved by eating decent stuff, and more importantly by NOT stressing your system with loads of 'orrible toxins: booze I imagine would be foremost amongst these, but telling a student to moderate the drink is probably a fairly hopeless task.

I think you will have to say something - even if it just about observing some basic courtesies for the benefit of others in relation to his skin condition.

I think I would faaaar rather my mother told me (even if I did get a bit touchy and shirty about it) than that people at uni started taking the pee out of me behind my back.

Poor chap, I hope he's ok.

fairy_lights

Perhaps as his eczema is so severe he doesn't see much improvement when he does bother using the creams etc and see's it as a bit hopeless to try and take care of himself. You say he sometimes doesn't go out because of the it and never gets a girlfriend which makes it sound as though it could be affecting his self esteem quite badly.
It might be worth taking him back to the doctor and trying to get a referral to a dermatologist, there are other treatments and medications for eczema if the creams alone aren't enough.


I would definitely talk to him about it, leaving piles of skin around the house is pretty disgusting and certainly won't help him make friends when he's back at uni. Plus, the thought of a 21 year old lad not showering every day fills me with horror, let alone one with a skin condition :eek:

Rottensocks

fairy_lights wrote: »

It might be worth taking him back to the doctor and trying to get a referral to a dermatologist, there are other treatments and medications for eczema if the creams alone aren't enough.

Also natural sunlight is usually very good for these skin conditions, so it may naturally be worse over winter, but also, he's not doing himself any favours by staying cooped up with the X Box.

Fuzzy_Duck

The poor lad's probably depressed. I have eczema myself (thankfully I have managed to work out what causes flare ups, so I can generally avoid it now) but before then there were times when I was miserable. On top of the itching and pain caused by scratching your skin raw, you also have to deal with embarrassment if it's visible. There are people that feel the need to point it out and act like you're contagious. I'm not surprised he seems so disinterested in the world around him- staying in and playing computer games is the best way of blocking it all out.

Personally I don't think you should be forcing him to have a bath. Baths, especially if the water is hot, dry out the skin even more. He should be having a quick shower with cooler water, and avoid showering every day if he can. As barmy as it sounds, water is actually one of the things that causes a flare up for me. I simply can't soak in a bathtub as it plays havoc with my skin.

As his skin is obviously really sore at the moment, he'll need to go to his GP and get it checked out. They'll probably prescribe steroid cream and antibiotics. Neither is ideal in the long run- steroids thin the skin and can cause more problems, and antibiotics will ultimately become less effective the more they are prescribed- but it should be worth it to clear his skin. After that, he will have treat his skin well (lots of moisturising) and start paying attention to what causes a flare up. There is no cure, so prevention is all he has.

I think a sympathetic talk is what's needed. I realise it must be frustrating for you as well, but try to be sensitive and encourage him to make an appointment with his GP. Once his skin has cleared up him picking his skin at the table won't be an issue after all!