new-age arranged marriage advice

Morglin

My son courted an American lass for months, and they skyped, mailed, messaged and visited each other as often as possible.

Finally, they decided they wanted to get wed, so he got a 'fiance visa' for the US, and they married two years ago, and he now lives out there.

It can work by distance, but it does depend on how much both parties want it.

Go and visit and take it from there - you might not like each other!

Lin

building_with_lego

Prothet_of_Doom wrote: »

Can I say, "Arranged" is when neither party is allowed to say no
...

That's a forced marriage; arranged is when the parents make the introductions. (There can be a fine line between the two though.)

The Indian parents of a family friend had arranged a match and she was offered a young man as a potential husband. Her reply? "I'd rather have his brother!" :rotfl: She's been married to the brother for 40ish years and have two children and one grandchild.

RAS

Prothet_of_Doom wrote: »

Can I say, "Arranged" is when neither party is allowed to say no.

What you describe is how it used to be in the past in all cultures.

Mother wants to marry off son, knows the mothers of eligible daughters, and makes informal enquiries as to whether they might be interested. Eligible daughter decides if she might like to go for a date with eligible son, and if she like him, the message gets back via the mothers, that she wouldn't mind another date, and eventually love blosums with the blessing of both sets of parents.

In small villages, in Norfolk this is how you end up marrying your cousin.

Read Jane Austen - much of her writing is about the difficulty of finding a suitable match when women had few opportunities to work outside the family (that did not involve servitude) and men had to think about what skills and financial advantages a woman would bring to the family unit.

heartbreak_star

building_with_lego wrote: »

The Indian parents of a family friend had arranged a match and she was offered a young man as a potential husband. Her reply? "I'd rather have his brother!" :rotfl: She's been married to the brother for 40ish years and have two children and one grandchild.

That's quite tickled me

Get yourself away to meet her OP...and good luck!!

HBS x

HPoirot

I would say do not jump the gun, you have to know each other first before knowing if either of you would like to settle down with the other. There is no shortcut to winning her heart over, you just have to be yourself and let her decide for herself whether you are the one for her. If you come across as too intense it might not be to her liking, just be an attentive friend, meet up as suggested, and you may both take it from there.

HPoirot

Sorry cant quote, but wrt skype, i would think conversations would be quite awkward if the two if them have not met before. I had a long distance relationship with oh and we relied on skype a lot, but i cant imagine skyping a stranger who could be a potential partner. If i were the op i would have met the girl and spent some time with her first.

Gigervamp

HPoirot wrote: »

Sorry cant quote, but wrt skype, i would think conversations would be quite awkward if the two if them have not met before. I had a long distance relationship with oh and we relied on skype a lot, but i cant imagine skyping a stranger who could be a potential partner. If i were the op i would have met the girl and spent some time with her first.

Not necessarily. I met my husband online in a forum. First we chatted on the forum, then IM, then phoned. By the time we actually met, we knew that we were going to be together and it didn't take long for the first snog!

heretolearn_2

A friend married an American she got to know on-line - they met up a few months after emailing/chatting. In fact her whole family went over on holiday to meet him! I don't see this 'arranged' marriage as any different to just being introduced to someone nice by a friend or family member. It's up to you both to decide whether to take it further or not.

The 'powerful woman' thing? Hmmm.maybe you aren't as westernised as you think. To most couples it's irrelevant who has the 'better' career or who earns more money. Do you think that whoever has the most money is in power over the other person? Do you think that should naturally be the man? Do you believe in equality in a relationship? If you really believe in the more traditional ideas of man is in charge, and breadwinner is in charge (and so that's causing confusion to you as those are two different people here, not automatically the man) then this is something you seriously need to discuss with her before going out there. Do you feel you can't be the 'real man' if you don't earn more than her? There's some complex issues involved. It doesn't matter what you both believe about this (I have my opinion but each to their own; whatever works in anyones marriage is their business) as long as you both believe the same.

theoretica

titanium123 wrote: »

... but its just a bit difficult as it would I have to fly there for a short holiday and it might be a bit awkward.

I would expect an arranged marriage to be a bit awkward. Even having friends set you up with an arranged date can be. You have very little chance of finding a permanent relationship without a bit of awkwardness at some stage.

Enjoy your holiday!