new-age arranged marriage advice

titanium123

Hi,

Being a British born male Pakistani, I always thought I would never get an arranged marriage and it was never really force on me. However I am nearly 30 and still haven't found "the one". So I turned to my parents recently and said I was interested in perhaps getting married if they had anyone in mind - its kind of how the new age arrange marriages work now, your family introduces you to someone and then its up to you guys to take it from there, so not forced in any way. Anyway, they asked around in the community and found a nice girl for me.

She sounds amazing, she is a doctor and from what I gather a fairly middle class/rich family. I know money is not important but it would certainly be nice and would definitely help. She is from Canada but also a first generation so I kind of gather her attitude and mentality would be a bit like mine (adopts both western and traditional cultural values). I am really interested specially as I am fed up of being single and lonely and want to be in love and start a family.

We have emailed each other a few times for about a month now and exchanged pictures but neither of us have brought up anything regarding relationships/marriage. I really want to but I don't know how, also I don't really know how to progress. Should we just email each other getting to know each other for a few months or are things suppose to move faster? I am willing to move to Canada for her but also don't know how to mention this without sounding too desperate/eager. Also I know it is probably a better idea if we meet first before I migrate to Canada but its just a bit difficult as it would I have to fly there for a short holiday and it might be a bit awkward.

I am a bit worried I might be below her status, as she is a doctor and i'm not. I'm still trying to find my way. I use to have a well-paid job but I quit (part of my mid-mid life crises) as I hated the job and now just do a bit of freelancing work (which actually I am making a decent living from). but am also planning to do an online vocational course, which would allow me to work in a field I think I would enjoy more.

Anyway I would really appreciate some advice on how to progress in this 'relationship' and how I can win her heart over.

ps i wold love to hear from anyone who is born in the western world but had also opted for an arrange marriage or any guys who are married to more powerful women and how things are working out?

duchy

Your parents are probably tearing their hair out that you two aren't moving forward .
Plenty of people take vacations to Canada .....and if there is any possibility however distant it feels right now that you are thinking of emigrating a recce of the country might be a good idea...... so why not plan a holiday that happens to include her home city -Tell her you're planning a trip and would like to see her whilst you are over -and see how she reacts. It's less pressure on both of you if you're theoretically passing through ....and of course if things did go fantastically well your plans would be fluid enough to stay longer

coolcait

I have no idea what kind of internet search would bring up this board as a first choice for posting your dilemma.

My first thought is that there must be other message boards which are more specific and relevant to your questions.

My second thought echoes the one already posted. Canada is accessible. You have the opportunity to check your questions out face to face.

Why not go for it?

claire16c

Take a holiday & visit her?

Or if the whole Canadian thing is going to cause too many problems then ask your parents to look for someone else a bit closer!

FBaby

Just wanted to say your post was very pleasant to read. Good luck with this relationship. Only advice would be trying to get to know about her as much as possible. How old is she? Is she in the same situation than you that she hasn't found someone to marry? Is she more traditional or more western? I think email would be very good start, talking on the phone and then both agreeing how to take it from there.

fluffnutter

titanium123 wrote: »

.. its just a bit difficult as it would I have to fly there for a short holiday and it might be a bit awkward.

Do this ^^. It's precisely the way forward and I'm not sure why you think it would be awkward. Have fun. I'd love to go to Canada again.

Kayalana99

coolcait wrote: »

I have no idea what kind of internet search would bring up this board as a first choice for posting your dilemma.

My first thought is that there must be other message boards which are more specific and relevant to your questions.

My second thought echoes the one already posted. Canada is accessible. You have the opportunity to check your questions out face to face.

Why not go for it?

This is a relationship board for people with problems in relationships is it not?

6feet

titanium123 wrote: »

Hi,

Being a British born male Pakistani, I always thought I would never get an arranged marriage and it was never really force on me. However I am nearly 30 and still haven't found "the one". So I turned to my parents recently and said I was interested in perhaps getting married if they had anyone in mind - its kind of how the new age arrange marriages work now, your family introduces you to someone and then its up to you guys to take it from there, so not forced in any way. Anyway, they asked around in the community and found a nice girl for me.

She sounds amazing, she is a doctor and from what I gather a fairly middle class/rich family. I know money is not important but it would certainly be nice and would definitely help. She is from Canada but also a first generation so I kind of gather her attitude and mentality would be a bit like mine (adopts both western and traditional cultural values). I am really interested specially as I am fed up of being single and lonely and want to be in love and start a family.

We have emailed each other a few times for about a month now and exchanged pictures but neither of us have brought up anything regarding relationships/marriage. I really want to but I don't know how, also I don't really know how to progress. Should we just email each other getting to know each other for a few months or are things suppose to move faster? I am willing to move to Canada for her but also don't know how to mention this without sounding too desperate/eager. Also I know it is probably a better idea if we meet first before I migrate to Canada but its just a bit difficult as it would I have to fly there for a short holiday and it might be a bit awkward.

I am a bit worried I might be below her status, as she is a doctor and i'm not. I'm still trying to find my way. I use to have a well-paid job but I quit (part of my mid-mid life crises) as I hated the job and now just do a bit of freelancing work (which actually I am making a decent living from). but am also planning to do an online vocational course, which would allow me to work in a field I think I would enjoy more.

Anyway I would really appreciate some advice on how to progress in this 'relationship' and how I can win her heart over.

ps i wold love to hear from anyone who is born in the western world but had also opted for an arrange marriage or any guys who are married to more powerful women and how things are working out?

I am not of your culture and a female, but....I met my husband while I was on holiday in London. It was love at first sight and we had a long distance relationship taking turns visiting each other for long weekends once a month. This was in 2000 when flying was cheaper (new York city to London was the commute). After 6 months he proposed, I came over on a fiance visa which lasts 6 months and when we married we had known each other 14 months.


We have been married almost 13 years and have a girl and boy. MY husband was 39 when he married me I was 32.


Long distance can work and we are even from different cultures. Write emails, get the cheap phone cards that are 3 pence a minute and get to know each other. I would definitely suggest you visit so you can lay eyes upon each other to see if there is chemistry. If there is a connection physically I bet things will progress...good luck.

harrys_nan

Pack your bags and go for a holiday, you will love Canada and may even end up in a loving relationship.
I cant give you any advice re your marriage, but will say just because she is a doctor and your not, why should that be a barrier? Most women love a man that has a lot of confidence, you probably have a lot of good quality's so let her see them. You sound like a lovely man, let her see that.
Have a brilliant holiday and let us know how you get on xx

Prothet_of_Doom

titanium123 wrote: »

Hi,

Being a British born male Pakistani, I always thought I would never get an arranged marriage and it was never really force on me. However I am nearly 30 and still haven't found "the one". So I turned to my parents recently and said I was interested in perhaps getting married if they had anyone in mind - its kind of how the new age arrange marriages work now, your family introduces you to someone and then its up to you guys to take it from there, so not forced in any way. Anyway, they asked around in the community and found a nice girl for me.



ps i wold love to hear from anyone who is born in the western world but had also opted for an arrange marriage or any guys who are married to more powerful women and how things are working out?

Can I say, "Arranged" is when neither party is allowed to say no

.
What you describe is how it used to be in the past in all cultures.

Mother wants to marry off son, knows the mothers of eligible daughters, and makes informal enquiries as to whether they might be interested. Eligible daughter decides if she might like to go for a date with eligible son, and if she like him, the message gets back via the mothers, that she wouldn't mind another date, and eventually love blosums with the blessing of both sets of parents.

In small villages, in Norfolk this is how you end up marrying your cousin

Your lack of self worth is classic 1980's Smiths :

Girl afraid
where does his intentions lay?
Or does he even have any?

She says:
"He never really looks at me
I give him every opportunity
in the room downstairs
he sat and stared
in the room downstairs
he sat and stared
I'll never make that mistake again!"

Boy afraid
prudence never pays
and everything she wants costs money

"But she doesn't even LIKE me!
and I know because she said so
in the room downstairs
she sat and stared
in the room downstairs
she sat and stared
I'll never make that mistake again!"

You need to see yourself as not worthy. You have a plan, you work, you take your personal development seriously. You might sound a little desperate, but I think perhaps a bit less email, and a few more dates. :rotfl:

Errata

We have emailed each other a few times for about a month now and exchanged pictures

Is your Skype broken?