Apparently I'm the wicked witch from the west

missty25

Had a bit of a blow up at the MIL at the weekend as my DD really wanted her cousin to come to her birthday but she hasn't been the past two years and didn't come this year either my DD was so upset and doesn't understand the reasons which are as follows.

The BIL and SIL basically don't want her coming, I told my MIL that they can hardly call themselves family when they don't have the decency to put their own personal feelings aside for the sake of a child. I am quite aware they have a problem with me and did not know what it was. Well I do know now, apparently I deliberately stopped them from seeing my DD by arranging for my own family to watch her one day a a week instead of bil and sil, yes I did arrange this but purely to keep the contact going with my family, not for a malicious reason or to stop them seeing her. Another time I apparently didn't let my BIL in the house when he came to the door, the only one time I remember him coming to the door was to drop off something which I took and told him his brother (my OH) was just away out and DD was just in her bed, didn't even think he would what to come in tbh, never thought I was being rude, but apparently I deliberately kept him out the house. Not only that there is a list if other wrongs I have done to my BIL and SIL.

My MIL always says she doesn't discuss us with them nor them with us but quite clearly they have all been calling me for this that and the other. She has also said I can't go and say anything to them as quite obviously this would cause a huge falling out knowing that she has broken there confidence in telling me the above.

I'm sad because I haven't and never would stop them from seeing my children they have made that decision themselves.they have made it quite clear that there child will not be in our house again with or without them, we have asked about 5 times in the past 8 months and the answer is always busy but I now know it's because they wont allow it.

I don't know what to do, I really want to defend myself as I'm being made out to be something that I am not, as I said I would not and never will stop family from seeing my DD without a very good reason and tittle tattle and he said she said is not a good enough reason in my opinion. But I know that no matter what I say it won't make one bit of difference as their minds are already made up. Even if my OH has words I know that it won't make a difference so almost feel like its pointless and just keep my/our mouth shut. I also really don't want to cause a rift or big falling out.

How am I supposed to have a relationship with my MIL from now knowing that they think I'm this wicked person that stops people from seeing children when I'm really not. Do I just leave them all to it and have minimal contact with them all, and I mean me not my children they can still see the children as much as they want. My problem with this is at any family gatherings that have to happen am I supposed to just smile sweetly and carry in as if nothing's happened when inside I'd be seething knowing what they all think of me.

As a side note, I had cross words with one of my own family and we are not on speaking terms much but the children still do see each other.

Thanks if you got that far
What should I do???

19lottie82

what. what, what?

Your post is quite hard to follow and seems full of emotion, rather than the cold hard facts.

I really don't see why you are so wound up with you MIL? From the sounds of it she is trying to stay out of it but you are convinced otherwise. Why? You haven't given any real reasons.

If you DD is really upset and wants to see her cousin, why don't you just call your BIL/SIL and try and sort out the problems like adults rather than dragging your MIL in to it, or asking strangers for advice online? That would be a no brainer to me, rather than dragging more people into this bizarre game of Chinese whispers.

Rottensocks

Can't the cousins just contact each other? (Don't know their ages etc, sorry)

Presumably, if their kid says "I'd really like to go play at Missty junior's house" they're not actually going to explain their pathetic reasons to a child, are they?

missty25

Yes post is emotional but MIL said that SIL basically can't do any wrong due to a tragic event that happened in the past so I can't win. If I do contact then to try to sort things I will be in the wrong for breaking a confidence and as I said they already think I've done all of these things and I don't think any amount of talking will change their mind tbh.


As for the children keeping in touch independently, they are too young. Thy see each other at grandmothers for which I am grateful.

Rottensocks

If the kids see each other at Grandma's, then let sleeping dogs lie (for now).

If the cousins get along well, then sooner or later one of them will ask for a sleepover or something, and the adults involved will have to wise up!

Don't bother trying to justify yourself to SIL or MIL. Play the long game. The kids will challenge the situation themselves, once they are older, as it won't make sense ot them that they are not 'permitted' in their aunt's house.

ilikewatch

I would be very surprised if your OH wasn't already aware of how your BIL and SIL feel...
To be honest, I don't see that anyone's done anything wrong - your MIL has tried to stay out of it, and your BIL/SIL are enititled to hold whatever opinions of you that they wish, whether or not you think that it's "fair" - at the end of the day you've obviously managed to really upset them in the past.
Once your DD gets to 6/7 she'll be quite capable of contacting her cousin independently and building her own relationship with her.

missty25 wrote: »

I told my MIL that they can hardly call themselves family when they don't have the decency to put their own personal feelings aside for the sake of a child.

Could they call themselves good parents if they allowed their child to spend time with someone who they dislike and have such a poor opinion of?

balletshoes

why did you blow up at the MIL?
This is to do with your SIL and BIL - not her. I can't see, from what you've said, that this is in any way your MIL's doing or fault, so why blow up at her? If you did, I think you need to apologise to her, and tell her, calmly, your side of the tale she's told you. Thats all thats required - clearly your SIL and BIL are a different kettle of fish and they don't want contact with you. So leave that alone.

missty25

I think deep down I know I should just let it lie. It's a shame because the other child asked gran to phone her mum to Chang her mind about coming to my DD birthday. Grandmother said no to this request which is fair enough, her choice not wanting to get involved. The other child always asks when they can come to my house and I always say they are welcome any time, what can you do though when every time you ask the answer is always no.

I feel clearer for just writing this all Dow even though my first post is a bit garbled.

Prothet_of_Doom

It's very easy. Tell your OH to talk to his mum and his brother and sort it out.

Rottensocks

missty25 wrote: »

The other child always asks when they can come to my house and I always say they are welcome any time, what can you do though when every time you ask the answer is always no.
.

Do nothing. The child will raise it with their own parents sooner or later.

Pollycat

It sounds to me that you have more of a problem with your SIL & BIL than your MIL.

What does your OH say about all this?
Can't he explain to BIL & SIL why you made the decision about who looked after your daughter?

Actually, I can't see what it's got to do with them anyway.

It all sounds very strange.