Rant - but nothing I can do anyway.

Kayalana99

xxx xxx xxx

Mojisola

Has she been in contact with https://www.al-anonuk.org.uk/ for support?

HPoirot

She can listen to you but will she do anything at all? She's taken him back and bailed him out time and time again, now she says she doesn't like to upset him and give it another 10 years, does she even want to get out of it?

The solution to all the mess she finds herself in is easy enough if she looks for it, but only she can do anything about it, you can only tell her things and it would be her call at the end of the day.

Oh, and this thing about him creeping back into the family home bit by bit - it takes two to tango, right? She could have put her foot down and actually meant it any time she chose. Bottom line is, she still can - put her foot down and mean it.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Tell your mum that by letting him drive (and not calling the police and reporting him as having stolen it IS letting him drive), feeding him, clothing him, letting him stay, even just being nice to him is going to kill him sooner than saying no, I don't want you like this, will.


Every time she protects him, she may as well be tipping ten cans of Tennants or a litre of vodka down his throat herself - because she's made it possible for him to do it.

If he moves in, he's entitled to half her house. She won't be able to ever chuck him out - and it's quite likely that this is part of his plan; force her to keep him, he gets to sit at home for the next few years drinking, she goes to work and pays all the bills, never seeing a penny from his house but losing her rights to her own. Until he dies/kills one of the children in the process.

Kayalana99

I think I just needed a rant but I don't want to leave it up.

You are right she should of put her foot down but she hates to cause a fuss and upset people regardless of herself, but I know she would never make him homeless - which she would be doing if kicking him out at this point if his home is repossesed... so it feels like the end of the line shes going to be stuck with him because he cant support himself...

HPoirot

OP, there are times in life when No.1 has to come first. And No.1 for your mum would be herself and any siblings you may have under 18. I doubt his antics are doing any of them any favours. And as for being homeless, he has always had it easy at her expense, who is to say that he won't wake up and smell the coffee once he has had a kick up his b*ckside? She might do him a favour yet.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Kayalana99 wrote: »

I think I just needed a rant but I don't want to leave it up.

You are right she should of put her foot down but she hates to cause a fuss and upset people regardless of herself, but I know she would never make him homeless - which she would be doing if kicking him out at this point if his home is repossesed... so it feels like the end of the line shes going to be stuck with him because he cant support himself...

Not that I'm in favour of this approach, but as an alcoholic, he could be regarded as a vulnerable person eligible to be housed through the local authority. Even with a repossession. But she cannot be seen to be helping him at all, not even for one night, or they'll say he has somewhere to live.


And if you know he's out in the car, there's nothing stopping you calling 999 and reporting him as a drunk driver without a licence. Or do you want somebody's death on your conscience?

The police need grounds to pull him over. Your call would give them that. And it'll be fewer people upset than if he drives over a pregnant woman with a toddler or takes out a bunch of seven year olds at a bus stop.



I've been there with someone like that. Being nice to them will not only be used against her forever, it will kill him.

The person I'm thinking of, once he tried to force moving in and was clearly told no, and realised I meant it and there was no more wheedling his way back in by making me feel like I was kicking a puppy, got help, got housing and is probably still drinking, but he's not hurting or endangering anybody else but himself now.

And I don't have to clean up after he's left a trail of broken promises and destruction ever again. Which is the best thing of all.





But if she likes the idea of being culpable in his death and potentially other people's - including their children - then she can carry on being 'nice' and 'not causing any bother'.

Her choice. Be as guilty as him or try to protect innocents from the selfishness that characterises an addict. If not more guilty, as at least he can claim to have a faulty outlook on life and responsibility.


He needs to understand his actions have consequences. She's never let him see them and he won't care when he knows he just has to be a bit persistent and she'll always give in.




Hell, give me his name, address, car reg and planned route and ill report him myself.

Kayalana99

I posted this a while ago, and I deleted it because I didn't like all details on here really but things have progressed so I am bumping it up.

Orignally I posted about my Mum being stuck with her partner just because she wouldn't tell him to go home, he's turned into an alcholic which has cost him his job and is now out of money.

I FINALLY got to the bottom of why she hasn't told him to get lost yesterday her words 'I just can't leave him I can't he gets so nasty and stops me seeing the kids when I've done it before, when we went to the hospital last week my heart actually sunk when they told me nothing was wrong with him'

He is a nasty man. My mum plays nice so that he is nice but if he doesn't get his way he gets angry, and doesn't think like normal people do, their is no reasoning with him.

Now his money has ran out his house is getting sold or repossied I'm not sure and he will have no where to live other then my mums I don't know if she would make him homeless orignally I said she wouldn't but looking at her yesterday I think shes really at the end of her tether and doesn't know what to do.

The kids are 12 and 9...the 12 year old adores her Dad and the 9 year old I *believe* has problems(won't look you in the eye stuff like that very hard to talk to without him looking serouisly uncomfortable) and has nothing to do with him (well dad just doesn't like him he used to take eldest out all time and never has anything to do with youngest apart from telling him off)

FYI he's not my Dad btw, half siblings.

I can see it all now...him taking kids police getting invovled mum worried every miniute of the day if hes gonna turn up at the door...she mentioned buying a caravan to live in!!!

On drinking side he has cut down since the doctors confirmed he has liver damage but he is still stealing money to buy alcohol as he is compelty skint now... she did say she was going to try to hide it better but she isn't a bank person prefers to keep cash on her.

It makes sense now... I don't know what to say to her.

Mojisola

Kayalana99 wrote: »

I FINALLY got to the bottom of why she hasn't told him to get lost yesterday her words 'I just can't leave him I can't he gets so nasty and stops me seeing the kids when I've done it before, when we went to the hospital last week my heart actually sunk when they told me nothing was wrong with him'

He is a nasty man. My mum plays nice so that he is nice but if he doesn't get his way he gets angry, and doesn't think like normal people do, their is no reasoning with him.

You can contact https://www.womensaid.org.uk/ for ways to help her - they will tell you that she needs to want to leave before much can be done but, if fear is keeping her in the relationship, they will support her to get free.

Kayalana99

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Hell, give me his name, address, car reg and planned route and ill report him myself.

Thanks for this post Jojo, for now he isn't driving, but I never knew when he was anyway... if I hear he starts again I think I might go down and have a word with police personally and explain that the situation as my partner said the same thing but I didn't want my Mum to get in trouble as she was helping him do it tbh.

Mojisola

Kayalana99 wrote: »

It makes sense now... I don't know what to say to her.

Make sure that you have support for yourself. It's incredibly upsetting to see someone you love being hurt and not being able to do much to help them.