How safe is a refuge?

Mrs_Imp

I know this is a delicate topic, and I understand that there is information that cannot be given out, so I appreciate any help which is given.

I will give as much information as I can to make things easier to answer.

My neighbour, we'll call her A, has taken in a friend (B) and her son (baby . B is pregnant with her new on/off boyfriend (C).

C became violent and aggressive, which B reported. She won't press charges (she says she loved him enough to get pregnant with him, so she can't bring herself to press charges). She was offered a place in a refuge, but the nearest space was in the next town. She doesn't want to leave her friends so my neighbour, A, has taken her in for now. A thinks that C doesn't know where she lives and won't be able to find out. And even if he does, then she can call the police. When A went to collect B, C was there and started getting violent, so A phoned the police, who didn't come out.

My concern is that B and baby B aren't getting the help they need to deal with C, and that he will find out where A lives and cause trouble for her and her family. A thinks that C would find out where the refuge is and cause trouble there.

So my question is. How safe would B be at the refuge? Do the police respond quickly to calls from them? Is the security aspect a good trade off for leaving her friends behind? Will she get counselling and help to leave C permanently?

I hope that makes enough sense to be answered.

Thanks.

Hermia

As I understand it refuges are extremely hot on security. I work in a library and we don't even note the woman's address down on our database when registering these women for a library card. The local refuge gives us a PO Box address we can use. My worry in this situation would be more about how near the next town is and whether he has any friends there. I used to come into contact with women in this situation at work and their worry always seemed to be whether they would bump into somebody they know. I know a few ended up moving across the country because they said they couldn't cope with the stress of always looking over their shoulder.

shelley_crow

My other half's sister went into a refuge after her husband showed his true colours. She was offered a space at the nearest one (2 miles away from where she lived) or one that was 20 miles away. She took the one furthest away and then moved to the other end of the country shortly after.

peachyprice

A refuge is only as safe as B will let it be, if she's going to tell all and sundry where she is staying she won't be safe for long, but if she's willing to not say anything she'll be safer there that she could ever be with A.

How does she think C will find out where it is? Refuges are very anonymous, they're not listed anywhere and if you're staying there you don't give out the address, so unless she she continually returns to the area to see her friends and thinks he's going to follow her back he shouldn't be able to find her. It sounds as if she doesn't quite think she can cut ties to the area.

Frith

I was in a refuge for about 6 weeks a few years ago.


They are VERY hot on security with cameras at all angles and a keypad to get in (code for it changes all the time which was confusing!)


Just before I moved in, a lady's ex had found out where she was (in the refuge) and the police were there within minutes and arrested him.


They don't have addresses as such, just PO Box numbers and the one I was in was set a long way back off the road up a long drive. If there is a doubt that an ex has found someone, they ask if you would like to move to a refuge in a different town.


The only downside I found is that I thought the staff would know all about the legal/financial side of things (e.g changing child benefit to my name/getting a non-molestation order to keep the ex away). They really didn't so finding a good solicitor is always a priority.

robin_banks

Hermia wrote: »

As I understand it refuges are extremely hot on security. I work in a library and we don't even note the woman's address down on our database when registering these women for a library card. The local refuge gives us a PO Box address we can use. My worry in this situation would be more about how near the next town is and whether he has any friends there. I used to come into contact with women in this situation at work and their worry always seemed to be whether they would bump into somebody they know. I know a few ended up moving across the country because they said they couldn't cope with the stress of always looking over their shoulder.

When I worked in a benefits office this was also the case with PO Boxes.

rpc

Refuge's are probably about as safe as you can get (but you can always compromise your own security). The police will know them and you can bet any 999 call will get a prompt response.

If B must stay with A, get her down to the local police and explain that she is hiding from domestic violence. They should be able to put a marker against A's address which will help ensure a response should the ex turn up.

Mrs_Imp

Thanks everyone.

The problem at the moment is that B doesn't seem to want to cut ties with C, even though their lives could be at risk and A wants to try and 'help' so isn't encouraging B to take the refuge place or seek the help she needs.

I'll try and talk to her to see if she'll take things more seriously. I think she's putting herself, B and baby B at risk.

Mojisola

rpc wrote: »

If B must stay with A, get her down to the local police and explain that she is hiding from domestic violence. They should be able to put a marker against A's address which will help ensure a response should the ex turn up.

Mrs_Imp wrote: »

The problem at the moment is that B doesn't seem to want to cut ties with C, even though their lives could be at risk and A wants to try and 'help' so isn't encouraging B to take the refuge place or seek the help she needs.

I'll try and talk to her to see if she'll take things more seriously. I think she's putting herself, B and baby B at risk.

It's quite common for women to want to stay with their abusers or at least keep the option of going back to them.

That shouldn't stop your friend talking to the domestic abuse unit at the police station and explaining the situation.

She needs to protect herself.

peachyprice

Mrs_Imp wrote: »

Thanks everyone.

The problem at the moment is that B doesn't seem to want to cut ties with C, even though their lives could be at risk and A wants to try and 'help' so isn't encouraging B to take the refuge place or seek the help she needs.

I'll try and talk to her to see if she'll take things more seriously. I think she's putting herself, B and baby B at risk.

If she doesn't intend breaking ties with C it would be very unfair to encourage her into a refuge when revealing the whereabouts of it will put the lives of all the women there at risk.

Mrs_Imp

peachyprice wrote: »

If she doesn't intend breaking ties with C it would be very unfair to encourage her into a refuge when revealing the whereabouts of it will put the lives of all the women there at risk.

Her friends and family are encouraging her to stick by him she really needs a fresh start away from it all. TBH A hasn't helped either.

I'll get A to speak to the police so they know where B is, in case C finds where A lives. At least that'll be some help.