What to do after partner of 13 years walked out

AnnieO1234

Okay, I'm here for some advice having been left to take the lead in this situation for a family member.

Unmarried couple, house in joint names and mortgaged, stay at home mom to 10 year old.

Dad walked out over Christmas to move in with his mistress.

Dad says will continue to pay for bills etc, take mom grocery shopping etc indefinitely.


What or where should we be going for advice, apart from obviously a solicitor? I'm sorry, I really don't have a clue whether this needs to be a council, CAFCASS, benefits people, jobcentre thing?

Mom doesn't drive and lives remote to good public transport, has essentially been cut off from a lot of people for the last decade and is still in shock. I'm trying to help her get her ducks in a row in case or when dad decides enough is enough.

Thanks in advance!

Xxx

claire16c

I certainly wouldnt take his word for it he'll continue to pay bills. My mums friends ex said hed pay the mortgage on their house for 2 years until the kids moved out, soon changed his mind 6 months down the road once he realised he couldnt afford a new flat with his new woman and pay the mortgage.

She could make a private arrangement for child maintenance, or go to the CSA. She should probably work out how much hed have to give her if she goes through them, see what hes willing to pay and then decide which way to go.

And yes Im sure she will need to see a solicitor.

Do they have any joint bank accounts?

j.e.j.

AnnieO1234 wrote: »

Dad walked out over Christmas to move in with his mistress.

Dad says will continue to pay for bills etc, take mom grocery shopping etc indefinitely.

I can't imagine the 'other woman' putting up with that for long..

happy35

I would stay put as long as she can but the paying of the bills etc will depend largely on his salary and/or lifestyle choices. If he is a large earner who can easily afford to pay the bills and lead a decent lifestyle of his own with his new partner then he may continue to pay. However if he earns a fairly average/good wage then he may find that he cannot afford to pay all his previous bills and 50% of expenses for his current household and this is when things may turn messy

I would book an appointment with CAB who should be able to advise on benefit entitlement, maintenance and rights in this situation

If I were your friend I would be looking to see how much equity is in the property and how much a 2 bedroom property in the area or surrounding area costs incase she does have to sell, at least then she knows what she will need to obtain if she has to negotiate from the settlement figure

Dunroamin

She'll need to start looking for a job and claim JSA. If they're claiming tax credits as a couple, she should close this and open a new single claim.

duchy

Maybe it is time for Mum to learn to drive especially if she plans to stay living in the same (rural) area. I'm a bit surprised she hasn't learned before as a SAHM -the last ten years.

I_try

Contact council regarding single adults discount on council tax. If he has left paperwork in the house take photocopies of recent payslips and especially recent P60, this will document earnings and help with sorting out child maintenance etc.


Speak to the mortgage company to let them know the situation, if there are joint bank accounts that needs sorting ASAP as do any joint loans or credit cards.


Do not trust anything the Dad says he will do, he has been dishonest to benefit himself for who knows how long and will continue to be.


Speak to a solicitor sharpish!!!

WantToBeSE

If i were her, i'd learn to be independent and not rely on his paying the bills.
Does the son have an special needs/disabilities?
If not, she can get a job to start being self-sufficient. It would really help her to get a social life etc and stand on her own 2 feet.

clearingout

She needs to sort out her financial situation as soon as possible which includes contacting Tax Credits (have his name and income removed from the claim), the local council (for a reduction in her council tax for there being only one adult in the household and to have him removed from the bill) and the Job Centre to make an application for JSA (she is under no obligation to do this, however...if she can't face the idea of working at the moment, it will mean the loss of £71 a week but she won't have to be complying with stringent requirements of job seeking whilst she's struggling...on the other hand, having something to do such as job seeking might be a very useful distraction and stop her wallowing...much will depend on her personality). There is a government scheme to help with the payment of mortgages which she could look into to have up her sleeve should her ex decide not to pay.

To claim the benefits she is entitled to, she will need to be acting as a single person and be seen to be acting as a single person. He therefore needs removing from all utility bills - gas, electric, water, phone, broadband etc. She needs to close or at least freeze any joint bank and/or building society accounts they may have. She will need to ask him to re-direct his mail and to deal with things such as his car registration details with the DVLA - she can't control whether or not he actually does this but I have seen situations where single mums are investigated for benefit fraud because their ex still has a connection to their home so at least keep texts, e-mails and copies of any letters she may send him trying to get him to remove himself from being officially resident at their home. This also means, unfortunately, that him taking her to the supermarket is, potentially, problematic because it suggests sustained partnership - if she is genuinely isolated, then Internet shopping might help overcome this and if she does need his help (and I would recommend she tries very hard to see herself as single and removes him from her everyday life as much as she can) then I would recommend discussing it with the Job Centre/DWP to avoid any accusations of benefit fraud in the future.

He will be liable to pay 15% of his take home pay as child maintenance and there is the CSA to help with that if he becomes difficult. I would recommend avoiding it if she possibly can - there are calculators available online so she can work out what he should be paying as a minimum .

Finally, when she's ready, she should get herself clued up on what might happen with the house. Legal advice might be necessary at some point but I wouldn't make it at priority at the moment - as long as he's being decent about things, she should focus on coming to germs with things and getting her life back together as best she can. Tell her she'll survive - because we all do - and to seek support online if she needs it. Wikivorce.com is a great starting point to 'meet' people going through the same thing and was a lifeline for me personally when my ex walked out. Having a friend you can rely on not to glaze over and yawn when she feels the need to go over and over the finer detail of the relationship and how she's feeling is possibly some of the best support you can give. That, and getting yourself up to speed (as you're doing here) with things she may struggle to cope with at the moment. It can be a long road but there is life at the end of it and I know that my life is a lot better today than it was with my ex.

Laurajo_2

Very useful advice from clearingout.

AnnieO1234

Thanks all for your help! I knew this wasn't going to be an easy task, but didn't realise how difficult. I really appreciate the direction! Xxx