Thinking about selling wedding stuff

Sazzarella

I understand what you are saying and honestly I just don't know! My head is pickled!

Stephb1986_2

Hi Sazz, hope you are ok, if I was you I would postpone it until you feel ready that you can forgive him or not.

Massive hugs

Steph xx

BlueMoo

So sorry to hear about the news Sazzarella and Steph. Hugs to you both.

I would also suggest counselling - it is something that I have found very useful in the past and can highly recommend.

CompBunny

Sazzarella, without digging for details that you might not want to share can I assume it was "technology cheating"? Before we were engaged (and the catalyst for us starting relationship counselling) H2B was texting another woman. Nothing physical happened (He swore, I confronted the girl and actually believed her and the texts didn't suggest physical cheating) but I felt quite the same way as you - as our counselor said it doesn't matter whether its an "Affair" with a capital A or not if there has been a betrayal of trust. It needs to be handled with the same sincerity.

You must be feeling so confused and angry right now. Don't let him pressure you into making any firm decisions about your future right now.

Please consider counselling if you want to fight for your relationship and possibly go ahead with your marriage. For us, his cheating was a symptom of the wider problems in our relationship, mainly situational. There's always a reason for cheating, even if that reason is his was bored and wanted to be flattered. Having someone to help you talk to each other openly and honestly without passing judgement helps you identify issues you may not have even been aware of.

It takes a long time to rebuild trust, a lot of it depends on your personality and previous experiences too. But it can be done if he is willing to accept that you can't just magically forget about it and brush it under the carpet. Open-ness with technology is a great place to start xxx

Anyway, sorry for rambling, just thinking of you and how you must be feeling. Loads of hugs xxx

Sazzarella

You are correct with the "technology cheating". He has said nothing physical happened, I have read all the "evidence” and have no reason to believe otherwise.

We have talked a lot the last few days, probably more than we have ever talked in our whole relationship. He usually bottles everything up and won’t talk about it to anyone. He has been having "performance" issues and he said he felt he couldn't talk to me about such things as he would get upset/cry. He said that he has been avoiding it completely because he knows he wouldn't be able to "perform" and that it was easier to do what he done to get his kicks so to speak!

I've never tried to make him feel bad for not "performing”. I have told him I think it’s a mental thing as this is a relatively new problem and comes at the same time where he has put on some weight and feels crap about himself. I am not a prude in any way shape or form and don’t think that you can only "perform" in one way, there are many ways. Unfortunately he didn't come and talk to me about it. Obviously we have talked about it now and he said he didn't realise I felt that way/was scared of letting me down/thought I wouldn't like any other way.

As I've said to him if it was only visual then that wouldn't have bothered me but the fact he got involved with the people, talked to them back and forth about it, photos etc. That’s what makes it so hard for me to understand/forgive.

I do still love him a lot which makes it hard to walk away. I haven’t really been able to talk to anyone about it, I have only told 1 of my friends as I feel immensely embarrassed about the whole thing.

In terms of the wedding, at this point I really have no idea what to do. I do still want to be with him and get married but I certainly don’t want him to think he can do this ever again. He hasn't been pushing me to go ahead with the wedding, he says it is up to me. In his favour(?) he has been an absolute wreck the last few days and promises he will never do anything like this ever again - but don’t they all say that??

Also a bit rambly, sorry!

CompBunny

Sazzarella, totally understand how you are feeling. I hope that the friend that you have confided in is being supportive - easy to say but you have nothing to feel embarrassed about as you have done nothing wrong.

Yes they all say that, and only you know whether he will likely be able to keep his promises or not. Even then there are no absolute guarantees, I guess love is always a risk in some form. Sorry to keep bleating on about counseling, but it would give both of you the tools to help prevent anything like it happening again... its the communication thing! Its great you've opened the lines of communication in the past few days. Keeping them open long term is the key IMO. Not easy but do-able if he is willing to try as hard as you obviously are.

Has he been to his GP about his performance issues? xx

Sazzarella

Not been to the GP, I had previously mentioned it but it was off the cards. He has said he will go now and would be willing to do counselling.

The problem I have now (other than not being able to trust him) is that I keep getting moments when all the things he has said to people rushes into my head. I must have slept about 2 hours in the first week as it was all in my head beating me up. Now evertime I get these moments I am giving him a verbal lashing I don't want to do it, I just can't help myself.

Stephb1986_2

Maybe having some counselling together as a couple to see if you can sort these issues out properly rather than just talking to eachother.

Steph xx