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Poppops

DCFC79 wrote: »

Well look at your finances or your partner needs to do it and cut back on stuff to pay it off.

I am new to this forum and have read a lot of posts and I just don't get some of the responses. On the intro pages Martin asks posters not to be judgmental and new members' profiles are clearly marked asking people to be kind. Yet the forum is riddled with more experienced members stating the obvious in a derogatory manner. Some even have details of the massive debt they themselves have managed to clear in their signatures. No-one wants to be in debt or deliberately sets out to be so, and in most posts I read people admit they have been foolish. If the whole point of this forum is to help people out of debt and encourage and support them on the right path, starting a sentence with 'well' comes over in quite a derogatory manner.
How are posts like this helpful?
Believe me, when you've been a total idiot and got yourself in trouble, you beat yourself up enough without other people doing it for you.

scaredlady

Poppops wrote: »

I am new to this forum and have read a lot of posts and I just don't get some of the responses. On the intro pages Martin asks posters not to be judgmental and new members' profiles are clearly marked asking people to be kind. Yet the forum is riddled with more experienced members stating the obvious in a derogatory manner. Some even have details of the massive debt they themselves have managed to clear in their signatures. No-one wants to be in debt or deliberately sets out to be so, and in most posts I read people admit they have been foolish. If the whole point of this forum is to help people out of debt and encourage and support them on the right path, starting a sentence with 'well' comes over in quite a derogatory manner.
How are posts like this helpful?
Believe me, when you've been a total idiot and got yourself in trouble, you beat yourself up enough without other people doing it for you.

Sort of go along with that, but some people do not seem to beat themselves up over it.1 pay day loan, ok, but when people have just started on the merry go round of pay day loan after pay day loan, each one used to pay off the one before, they still do not seem to have had a lightbulb moment that says STOP SPENDING in large lit up letter.
We await January to come with the usual Christmas turned up again this year, and I was not aware of it so spent £££££ 's I did not have to buy pressies , that are not needed now I am in debt ,what do I do.
My OH ,myself and my mother have stopped buying pressies. We still have a wonderful Christmas.

Poppops

scaredlady wrote: »

Sort of go along with that, but some people do not seem to beat themselves up over it.1 pay day loan, ok, but when people have just started on the merry go round of pay day loan after pay day loan, each one used to pay off the one before, they still do not seem to have had a lightbulb moment that says STOP SPENDING in large lit up letter.
We await January to come with the usual Christmas turned up again this year, and I was not aware of it so spent £££££ 's I did not have to buy pressies , that are not needed now I am in debt ,what do I do.
My OH ,myself and my mother have stopped buying pressies. We still have a wonderful Christmas.

I think you add to my point. The OP doesn't suggest that she has been frivolous in any way and so didn't deserve the comment I took offence at. I'm not going to go on about it. It just seems to me from trawling through the posts that the tone of many of them are the exact opposite to how Martin speaks to people on TV who are in trouble. Firm but kind and with empathy. It's not always as easy as cut back. Sometimes it is. But not always.
Rant over

meer53

There are boards on the forum where people are treated more kindly due to their circumstances, no judgements made.

This isn't one of them.

It's an open forum, you will always get posts where posters are criticised, thats life. People are free to post comments, you have to be thick skinned enough to ignore them and pick out the constructive ones.

Apples2

Poppops wrote: »

It's not always as easy as cut back. Sometimes it is. But not always.

It is that easy and it must be.

You cannot borrow your way out of debt, the ONLY way is to reduce outgoings to pay more toward the debt (aside from such drastic actions as Bankruptcy et al.)

There is a huge (and growing) wave of opinion that lenders should not be entitled to be repaid, they are vilified like they are the devil incarnate yet still those same people keep on applying for more loans.

Reality is it isn't loans they are looking for, it is free cash and come here for support in avoiding ways to repay.

Looking at your Sig, you are standing on the edge of this cliff, hopefully you have caught it in time.
Many in your position will start applying for loans to help with the repayments and come on here venting, ranting, shouting that it is all the lenders fault.

When it all goes wrong there is a simple, structured way to deal with repayments and complaints of mistreatment.

Welcome to MSE by the way. For info the DFW board if for cuddles, out in the open the responses can be more blunt but no less correct.

Poppops

So what you're saying is that the etiquette guidelines, right next to the open forum notice, are meaningless?

Look, all I'm saying is that new people here are likely to be here because they are frightened or panicking and I don't get why anyone would even bother replying if the response was anything other than helpful.

I honestly thought that people responding to requests for help would either be experts, or people who had gone through similar things and could be empathetic and supportive.

I think tough love is fine. If that's what it is.

Maybe I am being overly sensitive but I know how the fear and dread, along with the shame and regret, can really affect you. You'll see from my signature I have a long way to go but thankfully not as far as I've already come and I have spent years disgusted at my behaviour. I don't need anyone to be scornful to me. I've been an idiot.

I am new here, but I know my path would have been easier had I had support.

meer53

Poppops wrote: »

I think you add to my point. The OP doesn't suggest that she has been frivolous in any way and so didn't deserve the comment I took offence at. I'm not going to go on about it. It just seems to me from trawling through the posts that the tone of many of them are the exact opposite to how Martin speaks to people on TV who are in trouble. Firm but kind and with empathy. It's not always as easy as cut back. Sometimes it is. But not always.
Rant over

Just noticed your signature after reading Apples2's post.

I know you're not asking for advice, but here's some.

Why not sell your hoarded handbags and shoes to pay towards your debt, instead of taking a holiday ? Just a thought.

Poppops

Apples2 wrote: »

It is that easy and it must be.

You cannot borrow your way out of debt, the ONLY way is to reduce outgoings to pay more toward the debt (aside from such drastic actions as Bankruptcy et al.)

There is a huge (and growing) wave of opinion that lenders should not be entitled to be repaid, they are vilified like they are the devil incarnate yet still those same people keep on applying for more loans.

Reality is it isn't loans they are looking for, it is free cash and come here for support in avoiding ways to repay.

Looking at your Sig, you are standing on the edge of this cliff, hopefully you have caught it in time.
Many in your position will start applying for loans to help with the repayments and come on here venting, ranting, shouting that it is all the lenders fault.

When it all goes wrong there is a simple, structured way to deal with repayments and complaints of mistreatment.

Welcome to MSE by the way. For info the DFW board if for cuddles, out in the open the responses can be more blunt but no less correct.

This is going to be my last post on the subject but you are wrong in so many ways that I have to respond.

Firstly, I'm not on the edge of a cliff. I was half way down one, but have worked and studied and worked to get the job I have now which has allowed me to get rid of my horrific debt. What's left is small fry compared to where I was. I'm nearly there. I'm now over-paying my minimum payments. 2014 will see the end of it and I'm not ashamed any longer but proud of how far I've come.

Secondly it just is not always that easy. If your elderly parents have to move in with you, you cannot always turn down your heating. If your disabled son gets pleasure only from watching sport on TV, you can't unsubscribe from satellite. If your husband leaves you with debt which was manageable on two wages but not at one, and you have already cut your shopping down so much you are losing weight, there isn't anywhere else to go. If you live rurally, and there is one bus per day, you can't cut back on fuel to get to work.

I agree whole heartedly with your points re taking on more debt and people trying to get out of paying their debt, but as a newcomer, there is a feeling of tarring all newcomers with the same brush in some, by no means all, posts, and I think it's a shame.

My point was merely that some people are in crisis and need someone to say, come on, you can do this, and not it should never have happened in the first place.

Despite this being an open forum, the etiquette rules do support my opinion.

meer53

Poppops wrote: »

This is going to be my last post on the subject but you are wrong in so many ways that I have to respond.

Firstly, I'm not on the edge of a cliff. I was half way down one, but have worked and studied and worked to get the job I have now which has allowed me to get rid of my horrific debt. What's left is small fry compared to where I was. I'm nearly there. I'm now over-paying my minimum payments. 2014 will see the end of it and I'm not ashamed any longer but proud of how far I've come.

Secondly it just is not always that easy. If your elderly parents have to move in with you, you cannot always turn down your heating. If your disabled son gets pleasure only from watching sport on TV, you can't unsubscribe from satellite. If your husband leaves you with debt which was manageable on two wages but not at one, and you have already cut your shopping down so much you are losing weight, there isn't anywhere else to go. If you live rurally, and there is one bus per day, you can't cut back on fuel to get to work.

I agree whole heartedly with your points re taking on more debt and people trying to get out of paying their debt, but as a newcomer, there is a feeling of tarring all newcomers with the same brush in some, by no means all, posts, and I think it's a shame.

My point was merely that some people are in crisis and need someone to say, come on, you can do this, and not it should never have happened in the first place.

Despite this being an open forum, the etiquette rules do support my opinion.

Read the posts on the DFW board. If people need support, it's there for them.

I, for one, don't get the "tarring everyone with the same brush" feeling.

spacey2012

You never "ask" or request anything, you serve written legal notice.

A request can be denied, a legally served document has standing in law.