How can I help my cousin?

Lequirk_2

It would be good if you could give her an open invitation to come and stay with you when she feels up to it. Maybe in the new year when christmas and the new year have past. It might be just what she needs. It is all well and good to have family and friends support you, but sometimes you just want to get away and go somewhere else because being where you are is driving you crazy. It was enormously helpful of my cousin (200 miles distant also) to offer me a place to go for a 'holiday' when i experienced a deeply distressing time in my life. It really did help me. Just be there for her, as you are. I'm sure it means so much to her to have your support.

paulineb_2

By just being there. Its horrible when you lose someone you love at any time of year. I lost an uncle in tragic circumstances just before Christmas when I was 21, I also lost my grandpa young,again just before christmas and my gran died 3 years ago and even though she was in her 80s, it was sudden, her funeral was the 23rd of December, christmas was a complete write off that year

I know it sounds like a cliche, but time is the only thing thats going to help, I reckon it takes a year for you to start feeling half normal again, all you can do is make sure she knows you are thinking about her and that you'll do what you can to support her through the next few weeks/months.

Lequirk_2

FatVonD wrote: »

I've always tied myself in knots wondering what to say when someone has died (I avoid those threads on here ) but my dad died last week and I've learned that there isn't a right or a wrong thing to say. Not as in, nothing is going to make it better, but as in there's nothing you can say that's likely to offend so just say it anyway.

So I would say, don't stay away thinking it's a difficult time and she won't want to be disturbed. Don't tiptoe around her giving her 'time', call her, she might like someone to offload to.

I am sorry for your loss.

I ditto what you wrote about not avoiding the bereaved. There isn't really a wrong thing to say, unless a person is antagonistic, of course. Lots of what. Is said to the bereaved wont be remembered anyhow. when one is in the throws of grief, it just matters that people show their support and offer words of solace and sorrow for the loved ones passing.

ash28

CRANKY40 wrote: »

There's not much you can do for her just now, she'll still be dazed with grief. My suggestion, if you want to be helpful is to send her a message, once a week on the same day saying "Is there anything that I can do for you today/this week". So many people say "if you need anything just ask". You wouldn't believe how hard it is to ask.....it's so much easier to accept an offer.

As you probably know, after about 4 months, people who have never been in this situation will start to say she should be over it by now, or moving on. That is the time that she will need you the most. That will be the time to throw some plans in the mix to give her something to look forward to, like a weekend away with you, but keep up the weekly offer for a bit.

I spent the first 3 days after my husband died trying to figure out a way of killing myself and my 4 year old at the same time, so it's not the most rational time of her life I'm guessing. I couldn't take sedatives because of the 4 year old, so it hit me head on with no respite. I did find a web site with other people in the same situation as me. Google Kate Boydell, that should give you some info to pass on when the time is right.

I have to agree with your suggestion - I think regular contact is really important.

My sister lost her son earlier this year in tragic circumstances....initially they (sister and her husband) didn't want to see anyone or really speak to anyone, we live a 150 miles away and it was quite difficult.

I rang her about a week after the funeral to see how she was and I told her I would ring her every day (whether she wanted to me to or not) until she told me stop....I don't ring on weekends but Monday to Friday at the same time every day I speak to her for an hour.

She hasn't asked me to stop and it's been 7 months. In the beginning I dreaded (in a way) ringing her, it was quite awkward and I didn't feel comfortable, but I had to get over myself. She was (is) having to cope stuff I couldn't and can't even imagine, feeling a bit uncomfortable was absolutely nothing.

At least I know she's spoken to another human being other than her OH, I know there are still days when she doesn't get dressed, nights when she can't sleep etc.

We talk about nothing in particular, if she mentions him that's fine, if she gets upset that's fine....we've asked them if they want to spend Christmas with us as it's the first Christmas without him - but they're spending it at home - I told her if she changes her mind on Christmas Day just to turn up, we aren't going anywhere.

Normally in our family it's a case of "get on with it", we don't show our emotions easily and outwardly she always appears really strong and living so far away I support her in the only I can. I know things will get better for her and her OH, but they'll never really ever get over it, they'll eventually learn to live with it.

Indie_Kid

Very sorry to hear this.

Unfortunately, I received a phone call from a friend. We were meant to be running today. Instead, he had to cancel because his brother has just died. I knew his brother was ill (he has cancer) but didn't know it was that bad. It was difficult to know what to say.

I do think, as has been mentioned, just being there is fine. Some people do act as though nothing's wrong.

Liz3yy

Thanks again all for your helpful and kind words.

My cousin is a huge user of Facebook and we are keeping in regular touch this way. I have emailed her some photos of her fianc! from our wedding this summer and also let her know I am constantly thinking of her. A week ago I was hearing nothing back, now although only 7 days on from the tragic event she is responding back straight away with notes of thanks which is heartening.

My husband and I have invited her to stay with us in the South West at any time for as long as she likes - we have a spare room and are more than happy to look after her to give her a break from everything. We have made it clear that our door is always open to her and that she is welcome at any time.

I have never been very close to her, there is a 4 year age gap between us and apart from Xmas / Easter / New Year and big family gatherings we didn't see each other much as kids. In recent years however we have made the effort to get in touch again and stay in touch, which to me is especially important as she is the only cousin I have and one of the few surviving relatives of mine that I would want to see regularly.

She is a spiritual person and always see the good in people and situations, never more so when she went though a painful divorce several years ago. He was violent towards her but she would in public never bad mouth him. When I asked what happened between them she simply said their lives were no longer moving in the same direction and that they were no longer suited.

Her beliefs got her through that difficult time though I wonder whether she will struggle this time around with the death of her beloved - she has always maintained that things happen for a reason and that our destinies are determined for us....will that change now her fianc! has gone?

I am waffling now and going on off a tangent, apologies, thinking out or should I say typing out loud now....

Thanks again all, it helps to put things in writing and to hear others thoughts and opinions.

I will of course contact my cousin this week and maintain that vital contact going forward, she needs all the help in the world and I want to ensure she gets it.