How can I help my cousin?

Liz3yy

Afternoon all,

Last Sunday my cousin lost her beloved fianc! in an accident, from what I've been told it was quick and we all hope therefore he didn't suffer.

My cousin is obviously distraught, he proposed on Xmas day last year and they were building a future together which involved buying a home and eventually children.

I haven't spoken with her yet though have received texts thanking me for my good wishes and a card I sent earlier this week. I've been told by her mother and friends that she's not coping well and is dreading Xmas coming up - totally understandable.

I can't of course give my cousin what she wants, no one can, I do wish I could do something to help or to least ease her suffering? I feel so helpless....

She lives in the South East whilst I am a good 200 miles away so it's difficult to drop by.

Is there anything more I can do other than let her know I am thinking of her?

ValHaller

Liz3yy wrote: »

Is there anything more I can do other than let her know I am thinking of her?

Probably not. It is dreadful for her, Christmas will be awful and there is no avoiding it. Being there for her once Christmas has been forgotten about will make much more difference.

maman

ValHaller wrote: »

Probably not. It is dreadful for her, Christmas will be awful and there is no avoiding it. Being there for her once Christmas has been forgotten about will make much more difference.

I'd agree with that. Perhaps you can suggest she comes up to visit you if she wants a break.

go_cat

Terribly sad particularly at this time of year :(

just be there for her is all you can do really

DigForVictory

Send flowers? Or a sack of bulbs - you can plant them even in bad weather & they are little beacons of hope...

If you've any photos she hasn't got, they might be welcome.

whitewing

You could maybe send some cash (only whatever you can afford). Unexpected events always seem to cost in so many ways and that adds to the suffering.


Such a sad time.

FatVonD

I've always tied myself in knots wondering what to say when someone has died (I avoid those threads on here ) but my dad died last week and I've learned that there isn't a right or a wrong thing to say. Not as in, nothing is going to make it better, but as in there's nothing you can say that's likely to offend so just say it anyway.

So I would say, don't stay away thinking it's a difficult time and she won't want to be disturbed. Don't tiptoe around her giving her 'time', call her, she might like someone to offload to.

Liz3yy

Thanks all, my cousin is far from alone - her mother, other cousins and friends are with her and giving her plenty of shoulders to cry on and to get angry at / with.

This coming week will be awful I know, especially towards Thursday / Friday. After then I would imagine arrangements for the funeral will be made which I hope will help give her something to focus on however heartbreaking.

I fully intend to do what I can to support her after the festive season, including inviting her to stay with me and my husband should she wish to get away from things from a while - she was a rock to me when my parents died in recent years so of course I feel I should be here for her in her time of need.

krlyr

I would think about how you felt when you lost your parents and things people (her or other family) did that seemed to help. It's not going to be the same for everyone, but it may be a starting point.

As a way to help practically from afar..maybe doing a little online shop to have delivered to her would help? She may not want to face the shops at the moment and having some staples as well as some little treats may help. Having someone else buying her some groceries may make her feel a bit more obligated to look after herself and eat some proper meals (which will help her physically and mentally - eating junk or not eating at all won't help), but saves her the worry of having to think of what to cook (maybe you could base the shopping on a mealplan and email/post a copy to her?) or needing to nip out for the ingredients.

CRANKY40

There's not much you can do for her just now, she'll still be dazed with grief. My suggestion, if you want to be helpful is to send her a message, once a week on the same day saying "Is there anything that I can do for you today/this week". So many people say "if you need anything just ask". You wouldn't believe how hard it is to ask.....it's so much easier to accept an offer.

As you probably know, after about 4 months, people who have never been in this situation will start to say she should be over it by now, or moving on. That is the time that she will need you the most. That will be the time to throw some plans in the mix to give her something to look forward to, like a weekend away with you, but keep up the weekly offer for a bit.

I spent the first 3 days after my husband died trying to figure out a way of killing myself and my 4 year old at the same time, so it's not the most rational time of her life I'm guessing. I couldn't take sedatives because of the 4 year old, so it hit me head on with no respite. I did find a web site with other people in the same situation as me. Google Kate Boydell, that should give you some info to pass on when the time is right.

sassyblue

FatVonD wrote: »

I've always tied myself in knots wondering what to say when someone has died (I avoid those threads on here ) but my dad died last week and I've learned that there isn't a right or a wrong thing to say. Not as in, nothing is going to make it better, but as in there's nothing you can say that's likely to offend so just say it anyway.

Sorry to hear that fatvond x

OP, how about sending down a lovely candle she could light over Christmas? X