At what point do you give up trying with family?

krustylouise

Hi all,

Just abit of a moan/vent I'm afraid. I am soon to be 29, I have a 6year old DD. I have a dad who has remarried. My mum passed away nearly 11 years ago. I have a brother and 2 sisters, they're all older than me.

Sister 1 I don't speak to at all, absolute fruit loop and alcoholic. Sister 2 lives a considerable distance from me, as does my brother. Last Christmas I sent my sisters 4 children 3 presents each plus cards. I also did the same for my brothers little girl. Not 1 of them even got my daughter a card! Now I don't buy to receive but when they don't even send a card, that just hurts. Anyway this year I decided to send them cards, and again they haven't even sent a card!

They don't bother during the year, never ring or text unless I make the initial effort, they also never visit me, it is always me visiting them, bearing in mind I suffer really bad panic attacks when driving so I either suffer or pay to go on the train and as a single parent it is money I could really use elsewhere.

Our family has always been fractured due to our upbringing, but despite effort after effort NOTHING I do improves this. I keep trying because I'd like to be able to look back on life knowing I gave 100% effort.

When is enough enough? I don't have my mum anymore, don't have many friends where I live, dad doesn't bother (this year he went from January until October before i contacted him because he wasn't going to!) and my siblings don't bother. Am I fighting a losing battle here?

Sorry for the long post, just feeling hurt by this all (yet again!)

OrkneyStar

krustylouise wrote: »

Hi all,

Just abit of a moan/vent I'm afraid. I am soon to be 29, I have a 6year old DD. I have a dad who has remarried. My mum passed away nearly 11 years ago. I have a brother and 2 sisters, they're all older than me.

Sister 1 I don't speak to at all, absolute fruit loop and alcoholic. Sister 2 lives a considerable distance from me, as does my brother. Last Christmas I sent my sisters 4 children 3 presents each plus cards. I also did the same for my brothers little girl. Not 1 of them even got my daughter a card! Now I don't buy to receive but when they don't even send a card, that just hurts. Anyway this year I decided to send them cards, and again they haven't even sent a card!

They don't bother during the year, never ring or text unless I make the initial effort, they also never visit me, it is always me visiting them, bearing in mind I suffer really bad panic attacks when driving so I either suffer or pay to go on the train and as a single parent it is money I could really use elsewhere.

Our family has always been fractured due to our upbringing, but despite effort after effort NOTHING I do improves this. I keep trying because I'd like to be able to look back on life knowing I gave 100% effort.

When is enough enough? I don't have my mum anymore, don't have many friends where I live, dad doesn't bother (this year he went from January until October before i contacted him because he wasn't going to!) and my siblings don't bother. Am I fighting a losing battle here?

Sorry for the long post, just feeling hurt by this all (yet again!)

I'd say never break the tie completely, but don't put yourself out either. I'd suggest sending a card to them at birthday and Christmas (basically the price of a cheap card/stamp), but no presents. Perhaps they didn't send anything back because they didn't care, or they couldn't afford it (a lot of families are having to cut back these last few years), perhaps you will never know?
Maybe in the New Year you could think about joining a club or something (sports, craft, something you enjoy), that way you might at least meet some new folk, or even make some new friends? Or maybe volunteer at DD school if you have time free?
It's hard with families sometimes, what an understatement lol!
Have a good Christmas with DD!

DKLS

Sounds like a perfect time to cut the ties, enjoy your Christmas with your little one.

red_devil

Sounds like you have done enough.

they arent interested. Some people are very strange and their behaviour is selfish and hurtful.

Toto

Enough is when you have had enough.


I have an extended family a bit like yours. After my mum died 12 years ago we all fragmented and after years of trying I realise nothing will mend that. I think you need to concentrate on things you can control, perhaps improving your social life, joining clubs, doing stuff which will broaden your social circle.


Sadly we can't change how other people behave but we can control how their actions, or lack of them, affect us. I would stop trying so hard, you have done all you can and now, every time you reach out to them you are opening yourself up to rejection and pain. Try to accept that perhaps these people won't be in your life in any significant way and by doing so release yourself from the hurt they cause you.

red_devil

Do the others see each other and make an effort.

LEJC

I'm of the opinion dont lose contact....but leave it with what you are comfortable with in order as to not cause friction
if thats a card at christmas and maybe birthdays then so be it....but it does demonstrate that you have no bad feelings towards others in the family and if they choose not to reciprocate anything then you havent spent the earth on them!

krustylouise

Hi OS,

Thank you for your reply. My sister admitted today that she had written out the card but just "hasn't posted it so I won't receive it now" so to me that's a couldn't be bothered.

I have no time to join any clubs as I work full time, DD's dad isn't involved a great deal. I do have a partner, we recently got engaged but again aside from this I don't have much of a family/friends support network.

I am looking to reduce the number of days I work as of next year because I just cannot cope any longer working crazy hours, looking after DD alone and keeping a house. I know others may be able to, however as difficult as it is I have to admit I cannot do it all on my own. So possibly volunteering at DD's school may be an option next year.

Hope you have a lovely Christmas and a happy new year

krustylouise

Red devil - my dad communicates with my sister via email. He doesn't bother with my brother (not his biological child) and my sister an either aren't related (sister is my dads but not my mums and my brother is my mums but not my dads!!!)

DKLS

Last time I saw the majority of my family was at a funeral 12 years ago and my parting words before the alcohol started to take effect was "see you at the next funeral"


Relationships with family and friends are a two way street where all parties need to make an effort, if one party doesn't make an effort sod em.


Send a card if you wish to keep the comms channels open, personally I would choose the really cheap cards, where the card is so thin the card wont stand up on its own, that's an effective way of showing how much you care.

Adrenalina

Hiya, I don't really have any good advice, but I didn't wan to just read & run. There have been lots of similar threads on here recently. Such a shame to see so many people feeling lonely/cut off. I guess this time of year highlights the flaws in the "happy family" films.
My family is also very spread out. As we get older it's harder to keep in touch. Time is precious, and we spend it on immediate concerns: our children, partners, work, friends. Is easy to think family will always be there. On the one hand I think it must be very hectic, especially for your sister with four kids. On the other hand, my siblings and I don't talk often, and sometimes feel disconnected, but I know if I needed anything they'd be there for me.
Maybe your siblings are thinking "bless that wee sister of mine, she s so good to keep in touch". And maybe not. But the only way to find out is to talk to them about it.
On another note, I find the men in families are usually more crap a keeping in touch. And I find buying three presents for a nephew/niece a bit overkill.

Hope you feel better soon.