Not having an engagement ring

Fuzzy_Duck

Not sure why I'm writing this really- probably more to have a rant than anything else.

I didn't have a traditional proposal. It was more a mutual agreement. We were both fine with that- it seemed a far more natural way of going about it.

Obviously there wasn't a ring involved. My partner said he'd get me one afterwards. I said I didn't want one, because I don't like the connotations involved and I consider them a waste of money. I did choose to wear an engagement ring I had inherited however, which seemed a nice compromise to me.

Problem is I've been feeling really hurt but other people's reactions. Both sets of parents were totally disinterested which left me feeling a bit deflated. They don't understand why I don't have an engagement ring bought by my partner, and my parents seem especially unimpressed that he hasn't bought their daughter a shiny ring.

I've also been getting this carp off friends. I've been told various times now that it's not a 'proper' proposal, and my engaged friends are particularly smug about their romantic proposals and expensive rings, which is getting a bit annoying to say the least.

I got so fed up by it all I went totally against my beliefs and asked my partner whether I could have a cheap ring for my upcoming birthday just to shut them up. He said he was willing to buy me a ring but he had to spend a certain amount of money on it, and I had to be willing to wait for him to save up, which I was totally against. We had a argument about it over the weekend and now I feel terrible.

Don't suppose any one else here has passed on engagement rings and experienced the same? Just feeling a bit alienated really and unsure how to handle the constant criticism.

Trixsie1989

Hey I'm sorry you've had to deal with your friends and family being awful to you. At the end of the day it's your choice not to have a brand new engagement ring and if that's what you were happy with don't let other people make you think differently. We were engaged a long time before I got my ring and my dad was the most hurtful to me about it, he didn't even say congratulations until I showed him my ring. Tune out the people who just want to bring you down, everyone wants different things from a proposal and they should be happy for you regardless.a t least you know who your friends are now xxx

Dekazer

Firstly, congratulations!

Now, how can people be so rude as to question the choice you and your fiance have made about rings? How old fashioned, silly and insensitive.

Frankly, although it's easier said than done, you should forget them all and concentrate on making your own decisions. It's up to you and your fiance to decide whether you want a ring, or whether you would (jointly) like to spend the money on something else. It seems perfectly sensible to save the money for something that you will both use/enjoy/share.

I've noticed that many older women don't seem to wear engagement rings as a matter of course. Have they all got them hidden away somewhere, or was it less common to have an engagement ring? Either way, in a few years' time no one will question it either way.

Try not to be upset by people's rudeness - they're just silly and inconsiderate. This is a joyous time - you're getting married! Try to focus on that and enjoy the planning

DigForVictory

Congratulations on your engagement - I hope you both have a long & happy life together!

Why on earth a lovely family ring isn't appreciated, I couldn't begin to explain - but amidst the current daft consumerist mayhem, the small voice of sense, calm & delight at your future appears to have been drowned out.

Go & buy a dress ring you like that fits & "wrap" it in a cracker.
This should see you with a ring you like, that fits, that's affordable this week, & that you can slap back nosey parkers with the "it came out of a cracker" with.

Of course feeling judged/compared is lumpy & why your families aren't saying the obvious polite things I will have to attribute to "joy to the world fatigue" in the absence of any unpalatable facts. Give them time &, eventually, a rocket.

How sweet he feels he has to save up for a ring - splendid - what a marvellous wedding ring you can look forward to. Or a second ring, but this first one can be your "right hand ring" (I'm not quite sure what that is but if I understand correctly it's the ring you give yourself because you're worth it, not some ownership token...).

Eventually this will pass, but the feeling bruised will take some time to settle down. I'd go and have a stand up howl on my mother's shoulder that I'm so happy & everyone's being rude, myself. It might jog her into saying the polite stuff, or the news that she's just been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.

I fear the apparent lack of interest may be the sheer timing - everyone is so involved in Christmas they forget that the baby was born thousands of years ago & their daughter/friend/special person is right here right now!

clarethere

Sounds like you've had a rough ride from some people! I don't have an inherited ring but have a slightly similar story. My partner didn't do the whole surprise proposal, we'd been talking about getting married for months before we officially got engaged and were both very happy with it being a mutual decision rather than a surprise. We don't have much money either at the moment and I'm firstly not a particular diamond fan and don't like the idea of expensive jewellery (in case I lose it) so my ring's a second hand job from the pawn shop of all places, and cost quite a bit less than £100, but it's gorgeous and I love it.

When we told people we did get the "how did he propose?" and "did he get down on one knee" type questions but I told everyone we'd mutually decided and that I was very happy with it that way. Tbh if friends are acting that smug and making you feel rubbish they either aren't decent friends or are so insecure in their own relationship that they have to focus on the 'boastable' stuff.

Would be careful of letting them sway you though and make you unhappy - if you were genuinely happy just being engaged, never mind the ring, then focus on that and let them focus on the 'sparkles'. Just remember what it's about, having someone special for the rest of your life - if you're happy with that person then everything else is just extras.

Have a couple of one liners up your sleeve for any future comments such as "I couldn't stand being gullible enough to pay a 400% jewellers mark-up when I already had this gorgeous ring anyway" or "Poor <partner's name>, he was cheated out of buying me a diamond because I loved this one so much".

ariba10

Dekazer wrote: »

Firstly, congratulations!



I've noticed that many older women don't seem to wear engagement rings as a matter of course. Have they all got them hidden away somewhere, or was it less common to have an engagement ring? Either way, in a few years' time no one will question it either

Probably Don't fit.

tiger_eyes

Congratulations on your engagement, which is real and valid regardless of any ring. It shows a lack of class on the part of your friends and family to undermine that. Don't let their failure of manners start arguments between you and your fiance - that's letting the enemy win.

Fuzzy_Duck

Wow, wasn't expecting so many replies so quickly! Thanks all, some very reassuring posts that put things in perspective for me.

I suppose to be fair to my parents, I always said I wasn't going to get married, so maybe it was a shock for them and they didn't really know what to say. And the ring is inherited from my family so perhaps they're worried I'd going to lose or damage it. I'm worried about that too but I also think it would be a shame for it to sit in a box being unappreciated.

I will remind myself that my critical friends must be feeling insecure themselves to put me down, and I will definitely come up with a good come-back for the next negative comment I receive I just want to be married really and once we've sent the invites out, everyone will have to accept it really is happening (despite the lack of 'proper' proposal!) and none of this will matter then anyway.

Stephb1986_2

I know how you feel we got engaged at Christmas 2009 everyone knew before hand and we didn't even get 1 card of congratulations on our engagement it still riles me now

Where as my step sister got engaged and was given money off my folks and there was a big deal made about it. I hardly got a congratulations.


Steph xx

Fuzzy_Duck

Stephb1986 wrote: »

I know how you feel we got engaged at Christmas 2009 everyone knew before hand and we didn't even get 1 card of congratulations on our engagement it still riles me now

Where as my step sister got engaged and was given money off my folks and there was a big deal made about it. I hardly got a congratulations.


Steph xx

That's terrible I do wonder whether it has something to do with how you go about announcing it? We were very casual about ours- just mentioned it briefly to our close friends when we saw them next. On the other hand a couple of friends when they got engaged called everyone to their home and made a grand announcement about it.

Still seems harsh though. If you're the type to send a card you should always send a card, not pick and choose who gets one. Maybe DigForVictory was right about it being the timing and everyone gets distracted with it being Christmas. We actually got engaged in July, but I'm still getting snippy comments about it several months down the line!

clarethere

Wow, I was assuming it was a recent thing but to still be getting comments months later is awful! I'm not a confrontational person at all but in your shoes I wouldn't be able to resist pulling them up on it and saying something like "Are you STILL bothered about that? Wow, get a hobby!"