'Don't have kids unless you are ready to marry' says judge

thorsoak

thegirlintheattic wrote: »

I don't know where you got that idea from. I did not say or imply that. If you're married fine, if your not fine, it's your own personal choice but some of the comments on here suggest that you're selfish, immature, uncommitted etc. for having kids without a marriage, and strongly imply that being married is a better and more committed relationship then cohabiting. That's just tosh - each relationship is different.

There are those who dive into a relationship, think whilst they are all "loved up" that to make a baby with a particular partner is the be-all and end-all of life. To find the relationship has folded within months of the birth of a vulnerable child. There are those who slide into a relationship which culminates in the birth of a child without giving a thought to the future. There are those who decide that they are committed to each other, who save for marriage and home and then have a child; there are those who decide not to marry but still save for a home and then have a child.....all are different.

Me - I'm widowed after longer than most of you have been alive - my commitment was life-long - but that was our choice. Not necessarily the choice of a lot of you - but nonetheless valid.

I'm not judging anyone ....are you?

lostinrates

Dunroamin wrote: »

Surely we all think that the route we've chosen is the better way or else we would have done things differently?

Really? I don't think that about everything in my life at all. I know I have got somethings that I could have done better or been better not to have done. You cannot redo what you don't think is ideal but you can learn from it!

Savemesomemoneyplease

thorsoak wrote: »

There are those who dive into a relationship, think whilst they are all "loved up" that to make a baby with a particular partner is the be-all and end-all of life. To find the relationship has folded within months of the birth of a vulnerable child. There are those who slide into a relationship which culminates in the birth of a child without giving a thought to the future. There are those who decide that they are committed to each other, who save for marriage and home and then have a child; there are those who decide not to marry but still save for a home and then have a child.....all are different.

Me - I'm widowed after longer than most of you have been alive - my commitment was life-long - but that was our choice. Not necessarily the choice of a lot of you - but nonetheless valid.

I'm not judging anyone ....are you?

What does that mean?

thorsoak

What it says! We married when I was 20, he was 23. We had 4 children, we went through good times and bad times, lively times, boring times - but we were committed. I nursed him through cancer, his last words to me were "I love you" and I held his hand whilst he drew his last breath. 50 years after we were first lovers.

That's commitment.

fawd1

I have to admit I haven't read the whole thread, or the judges report, but here's my tuppence anyway. I don't think it matters whether people are married when they decide to have a child or not. BUT, I have never and will never, understand why people are happy to make the commitment to each other of having a child together, but are unwilling to commit to each other without the involvement of a child. The reality is that divorce without children is easy, and you need never see that person again.

Having a child is a lifelong commitment, much more so than marriage, so I don't understand saying you're happy to do one but not the other. It's like saying the a peugeot is too fast and then buying a porsche.

Dunroamin

lostinrates wrote: »

Really? I don't think that about everything in my life at all. I know I have got somethings that I could have done better or been better not to have done. You cannot redo what you don't think is ideal but you can learn from it!

I meant in the present rather than in the past - I'm sure we've all made mistakes.

Savemesomemoneyplease

thorsoak wrote: »

What it says! We married when I was 20, he was 23. We had 4 children, we went through good times and bad times, lively times, boring times - but we were committed. I nursed him through cancer, his last words to me were "I love you" and I held his hand whilst he drew his last breath. 50 years after we were first lovers.

That's commitment.

I don't disagree with you and I'm very sorry for your loss!

I don't think anyone would disagree with you, many people still have this though.

Billie-S

thegirlintheattic wrote: »

Marriage is a bit of paper - there are committed couples, living together who have kids and it all works out, all without that bit of paper.

There are others who get married within months and wonder why it all falls apart when they have kids.

I do hate married people thinking that they are better than people who decide not to marry. No, that's not bitterness before anyone asks, I just don't see the need to have a contract to prove my love and commitment.

If you think that is all it is, then you are very naive. There is a lot more to marriage than 'just a piece of paper.' I despair of people with this attitude. The older you get, and the longer you go on in your life being part of a couple who is not married, the more you will realise it is not 'just a piece of paper.'

If you split up, or he dies (God forbid,) you will find the rights you have quite different from people with just 'a piece of paper.'

'Just a piece of paper' is not what marriage is, and people who believe this need educating.

Billie-S

fawd1 wrote: »

I have to admit I haven't read the whole thread, or the judges report, but here's my tuppence anyway. I don't think it matters whether people are married when they decide to have a child or not. BUT, I have never and will never, understand why people are happy to make the commitment to each other of having a child together, but are unwilling to commit to each other without the involvement of a child. The reality is that divorce without children is easy, and you need never see that person again.

Having a child is a lifelong commitment, much more so than marriage, so I don't understand saying you're happy to do one but not the other. It's like saying the a peugeot is too fast and then buying a porsche.

I am with you here. never got this either.

clearingout

whilst I would agree that having children seems 'easy' these days, my ex husband and I met in our late 20s, lived together for a couple of years before marrying, were married 3 years before having children with decent jobs/business and a nice home under our belts...didn't stop him straying when the opportunity arose. There are no guarentees in life.