Teen son - first job

Fivenations

My eldest - 18 in Feb 2008 - has just started a part time job. Payday is not until the end of the month but he has already spent the £50 I lent/gave him on trifles and has nothing left for bus fares etc. I have explained the principles of budgeting but he isn't listening, as usual, so this morning I made myself very absent. I heard him asking his younger brother for money.

I know he will have a lightbulb moment any day now - probably later on when he needs to buy lunch (says he cannot bring in own food - need to check that one out). I'm sure others have similar stories to tell. How do you deal with this? My attitude is to give offer advice but give him enough rope to hang himself and only help when he sees the error of his way. Only problem is my OH is a softee and will hand over cash. I'm convinved he does it to wind me up and son knows it.

Off topic, he has been staying out, on weekdays, until 12, 12.30. He doesn't think this is a problem and I should lighten up/ not wait up for him Am I being too protective? I am trying to loosen the ties but he is not streetwise - only just breaking out of a shy phase - and I worry that "friends" will take advantage of him. PLus the lads that collect him intheir cars have just passed their tests and I know they drive too fast. Son admits it. My close friends think I am right to be concerend but then they shar same values as me and worry about their sons too. Tell me to chill out!

Idiophreak

Tbh I think you should chill out

I was staying out til 12 when I was 14, I'd quite often totter around the country without telling my parents etc etc. (that said, I'd got thoroughly bored with it by the time I was 18, so tended to be quite a good lad then ) Pretty much every 18yo in the country will be out until 12 at the weekend, at least.

You've just got to trust your son...he's not a child, if he doesn't think it's safe to get in a car with someone, he won't...

That said, you should clamp down on the money thing...just don't give him any. Make sure he realises that once he's earnt the money he can spend it, not the other way round. Hopefully this shouldn't be an issue once he starts earning anyway...from around 16 I never wanted to take money off my parents or ask them for help, was much "cooler" to earn it myself.

newcook

perhaps ask him to give you half of his pay - you keep some aside for his keep and then you can dish out the rest as and when he needs it after he has spent his half. get him to buy a month bus pass on payday so regardless of what money he spends he can at least carry on going to work.

I have never heard of a company that wont let you bring your own lunch! I think this may be that everyone else buys sarnies and he doesn't want to be the only one who takes his own.

if he wants to stop out til 12 then let him - so long as he is still getting up for work and doing his job properly.

make sure everyone he has tapped for money has kept a record so they can get it back (even if it is spread over paydays so he isn't paying back what he borrowed only to find himself short and needing to borrow again).

pinkshoes

You need to speak to your OH, tell him NOT to give your son any money, because otherwise it's not showing a united front, and it's making you look like the bad guy! If he's just handed money every time he runs out, then he'll never learn.

You need to loosen the reigns on your son though, and let him go out when he wants!! It might make him budget his money a bit better!

Alikay

Make sure that on payday, his first priority is paying back his family/friends and putting aside 4 weeks worth of busfare and lunch money. You could ask him to put it a separate envelope for each week (and maybe you look after them) until he's a bit more used to budgeting.

The going out late and riding round too fast in mates cars is just something that many lads of that age do ( and they did in the 70's when I was a teenager too!). Its a worry, but statistically he'll probably be OK, and he'll take no notice of your wishes anyway.......as we all know, parents are OLD and just want to stop them having fun:rolleyes:

Acc72

You can take a horse to the water etc......

After explaining budgeting, it is up to him now - the first time he has to walk to work because he hasn't got the bus fare will help to bring on his "light bulb" moment !

Without stating the obvious he is now able to vote / get married / leave home / fight in a war etc etc so you need to give him a bit of leaway to make his own decisions and mistakes.


Ps - why does he spend so much on trifles ? - does he really like custard or something ?? ..... :rotfl:

Fivenations

Thanks folks. Yes, it is time I relaxed the motherly ties. I guess it's always hard to let go of the first one! Even harder to watch them make mistakes but I know I have to let him learn the hard way. We have been having quite a few " I told you so" type moments at his expense. (I dont actually say it - he already knows. Quite amusing!). I will ask that he tells me what time he isexpecting to come home late so I dont worry. That's a compromise I think we can both live with. He was late for work at the weekend, after going to bed at 1am. I happened to be going out so gave him a lift in to town but warned him that I would not go out of my if he overslept again after a late night.

As for OH, that's another story I wont go into here as it's way OT.


Trifles - as in things that dont really matter much - at least that's what I meant.

Idiophreak

Fivenations wrote: »

I will ask that he tells me what time he isexpecting to come home late so I dont worry. That's a compromise I think we can both live with.

That sounds fair...I always tell my parents when to expect me home and will call/text them if I'm going to be late...(I'm hardly ever late, anyway, I always get bored and come home by 9:30 now, but that's beside the point )...not too much to ask.

dfwz

You could help him with the budgetting if that's what he wants, eg.. keeping some cash for him etc.. but you really need to get him to decide to do that, if you attempt to force the issue all that will happen is that when he truly is independent from you he will not have learned.

Although

he has been staying out, on weekdays, until 12, 12.30. He doesn't think this is a problem and I should lighten up

It isn't a problem as long as he feels he's getting enough sleep and he feels he's making his work/study commitments.
By the time he's 18 he should be capable of making his own decisions and mistakes.

By the time I was 15 I had much more independence than that, but because I had it, I let my mum know what was going on anyway, because I had respect for her and knew she worried - I knew she was sitting at home cringing and worrying she'd given me too much rope.
The rule I had was that if I decided to stay out I had to call my mum in the morning to let her know I was OK. Since I had so much freedom I used to call the night before anyway.

You really should lighten up, he's legally responsible for his own actions in a number of different ways, from law to credit. I wouldn't advise trying to stand in his way if he's going to make a mistake, I'd advise calmly offering advice/help and then help deal with the mistakes - even if he ignores your good, well though out, advice.

koksrob

over sleeping- he will quickly learn that its hard to burn the candle at both ends, he is still going to want to stay out and enjoy life with his mates.
that age 12-1am is early if he went out clubbing (which he is old enough to do) you could add 3 hours on that.

when i went home for a couple of months- my mum still worrid till i got in and im 25! but as you are doing i just let her know what rough time i was getting in (if at all :P). i texted if that changed by a large amount in case i woke her.

hoping you meant 2007 . idea would be do you have oyster there? as could get travel sorted and keep on card for month.

its always when you start having more money than before you spend more not realising how quickly it goes.


is he learning to drive? giving him the incentive to save for a car or lessons may give him the idea to try and put some money aside, but when starts digging into it for bus money-might make him think -only an idea.

anyway thats my ramble

Bennifred

[quote=Acc72;553340
Ps - why does he spend so much on trifles ? - does he really like custard or something ?? ..... :rotfl:[/quote]

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