Irrational dread of making a fuss?

dandy-candy

I am sitting here feeling ill because I have made a fuss. I bought an expensive item online and the description of its condition wasn't accurate. I have emailed the seller saying I'm not happy and how can we resolve it, and now I'm quaking in my boots.
I was polite, I haven't done anything wrong and am completely in my rights but I feel like you do when you get sent to the headmasters office. I rarely complain, maybe because I have a fear of them saying "so what?" or "tough!" And then I would have to slink away wishing I'd never mentioned it. I can't tell you how many times I've accepted shoddy workmanship or an awful meal with a "thank you".
Are other people like me? How to I learn to stick up for myself and not take any rubbish?

NoAngel

It's a British thing I think. Never like to make a fuss!

hazyjo

In certain respects, yes. I quake in my boots. But if it comes to sticking up for someone else, I am first in the queue and will go as mental as it takes.

I have had a couple of things off ebay I've not wanted to make a fuss over and have ignored (frayed hole in one top). I also didn't moan about a brand new kitchen having a tiny saw mark on the edge of a unit which wound me up beyond belief.

BUT I would go marching into a shop if I absolutely knew I was within my rights. I recently went a bit mental dealing with Very over trying to get a fridge freezer delivered.

I think it's when I feel I have a personal attachment to someone (even with ebay as you really ought to leave feedback) or if you've dealt with people like builders who are in your own home.

My mum would have no trouble in telling someone in her home that they've not done something right. I still feel (and quite often act) like I'm 17, not 43. I don't always really feel like an adult lol.

I think it changes when you have kids. My sis wouldn't say boo to a goose, but has got into 'discussions' with other parents, teachers and the like since having three kids.

My line manager gets me like that. I have awful nightmares about having to ring in sick. She's horrible. Really downright awful. The only time I really bit back was when she told me to take some of the two weeks I had off when my dad died as holiday. B**ch. I wish awful things on her - and can't imagine ever feeling like that about another human being. Everyone feels the same.

Sometimes anger helps me be defensive, but it is hard and I'm generally not a confrontational person.

Jx

BitterAndTwisted

Sticking up for yourself or insisting that you receive goods or a service that's commensurate with the price you've paid for it is not making a fuss! That's just being assertive. Do it once and you'll have the confidence to do it twice.

Yorkie1

Where did you buy it from?

If the seller gets difficult, then it might be worth looking into the Distance Selling Regs, which allow you to return something bought online if it isn't suitable, depending on the timescales involved and (I think) who you bought it from.

MrsDrink

hazyjo wrote: »

In certain respects, yes. I quake in my boots. But if it comes to sticking up for someone else, I am first in the queue and will go as mental as it takes.

Totally the same. Injustice to me and I won't raise my hand. But injustice to those I care about (or sometimes even those I don't) and I'll not only raise my hands but I'll jump in with both feet!

HPoirot

Just ignore the quaking-in-your-shoes part of you, raise your chin and get on with making yourself heard. That's how I got on with my job in the early days. Obviously what's done is done, so you can't indulge in self-doubt after the deed...

j.e.j.

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

Sticking up for yourself or insisting that you receive goods or a service that's commensurate with the price you've paid for it is not making a fuss! That's just being assertive. Do it once and you'll have the confidence to do it twice.

I think that's true. I hate the thought of leaving negative feedback on EBay for instance, but I once bought a coat from a seller who'd described it in the listing as: hardly worn, nearly new, unwanted present.

Well, when it arrived, the "nearly new" coat was rank!! The cuffs were covered in grime, the inside was actually torn, the pockets had stuff in them and were filthy. I couldn't even pass it on to a charity shop, it was so disgusting.

I told the seller (politely!) about the condition of the coat and they started to say things like "Sorry you feel that way. I'm only trying to make myself a bit of money on EBay.." and generally trying to make out it was me who was at fault.

I got a refund, offered to return the coat to her (she didn't want it back, funnily enough..) then spent ages scrubbing the dirt off it and took it to a charity shop.

While most people are ok, one or two will try it on, you just need to be a bit assertive.

Hermia

NoAngel wrote: »

It's a British thing I think. Never like to make a fuss!

Too true. I had a meal in a terrible restaurant years ago. The place was a disaster. People were waiting ages to be served. People were being given the wrong meals or meals that were cold or undercooked. It was like Fawlty Towers! Eventually I asked to speak to the manager and complained on behalf of everyone. At the point all the other customers all looked at their feet and muttered that it wasn't THAT bad!

Rebecca01

Dont put up with it. Why should you? Are you a lesser a person than them? Of course not! Do you deserve shoddy stuff ? No!

If the boot was on the other foot, you can bet they would " make a fuss".

Nobody deserves substandard service or items.

Put yourself first for once.

marisco_2

You haven't made a fuss. You received an expensive item which has fallen way short of its advertised condition. Quite rightly you have contacted the seller and raised this with them in a polite and articulate manner. The level of anxiety and stress you are now experiencing, suggests you suffer from low self esteem and don't value yourself enough, to be able to set a bench mark at which you expect others to treat you. If you respect yourself and stand your ground others will respect you and not mess you about. It all begins with you.