Letting Go

joolesw1972

Long story, but 18 months ago we took our teenage nephew in, he has a troubled back ground and at times it has been incredibly hard, but the last few months he has been settled and we had started the ball rolling for a special guardianship, however, last week he suddenly said that he wants to return to live with mum, we are devastated, it is completely natural for him to want to be with mum, we understand that, but love him so much and can't now imagine him not being here, we are also worried about the life he will have moving with mum.
So, how do we let go?
At the moment it's been mostly tears, please be gentle, am a little delicate right now.

ognum

Well done on opening your home and your heart to a person who needs you.
Leave your door open, just because he wants to move back does not mean he will stay there.
You need to make him understand that you will be there for him, talk with him about what his decision will mean to him, how his life will be and that you will be around if he needs to come back.
Set up some special ways he can communicate with you and tell him all he needs to do is call and you will be there.
You have done a great thing, the next chapter will be hard for you but it's a long journey and many things change along the way.

fluffnutter

How old is he? Does 'I want to live with mum' mean 'I fancy it just like I fancy a new xbox but next week I'd prefer a bike'? What I'm getting at is.. is he old enough to know what this might entail? Is he making an informed decision?

It's interesting that he's saying he wants to be with his mum just now that you're talking about a guardianship with you. Does he see his mum? Perhaps he feels guilty? Perhaps he's torn? He loves being with you but worries that if you and your husband become guardians that his mum will be left with nothing? He might be acting out of loyalty even though he actually wants and needs to be with you.

If he does go to live with mum, you've found it in your heart to support him, perhaps you can do the same for him and his mum? Just because he wants to be with his mum doesn't mean he doesn't need you, nor that you can't carry on helping him. What's the relationship? Is mum your sister? Your OH's sister? Do you get on with her?

Obviously I don't know the detail and it might not be possible, or take a lot of working out, but it would be wonderful if you could carry on loving and caring for him even though he's back living with his mum. Who knows what the future holds - things may not work out. But they deserve a chance together I expect and if you can help with this, that's something isn't it?

I really feel for you and I think this needs exploring more and perhaps with the help of people who are trained and au fait with this sort of situation. I don't think anything should be rushed into.

bagpussbear

Sorry to hear that :-(

Not much advice to offer other than to say could you still have a fair bit of contact with him eg. days out or evenings when he comes over to dinner? Is he living nearby to do that?

meritaten

hun - do you think that now you have got him to a better place he feels he can go back and 'help' his mother to one? you must have done a fantastic job with him!
you aren't 'letting go' - you will ALWAYS be family and he should know that if it doesn't work out as he wishes, he will always have his place with you!
in a way, its because of your love and support he feels able to go back.

joolesw1972

Thanks for the replies, it is quite complex, (my partner is female by the way ) nephew is to OH brother, who has no contact & his ex-wife. She lives almost 2 hrs away from us, when he effectively became homeless, she said no to taking him (he didn't live with her) childrens services were involved & we became foster carers, there is a possibility that the SGO has spooked him, because it gives us say over what happens to him, I think the real attraction is that the will be few rules or boundaries, there wasn't when he lived with her & isn't many for sister who is 1yr older, he's 14 so can make his own decision, but what he wants and what he needs aren't the same thing!
Because mum still has parental responsibility, its not so simple that he can just come back, we have needed support with him and aren't sure if we could manage alone, plus he would be unlikely to get a school place where we live without the looked after status.
We will let him know that we are always here for him, I just don't think he will realise what he is leaving behind until its too late.

Spirit_2

That must be very hard for you.

If you can make the love unconditional, so that you are there for him when needed, then you may have him for life even if not resident with you.
It is selfless but sometimes nothing less will do.

That you have shown him what stabilty looks like may be an unforgettable lesson in life. Well done for helping him.

andygb

OP, well done for taking him in when he needed help.
Unfortunately he wishes to return to his parent, and although this may seem hard, it is something which was possibly always going to happen.
As long as you can still see him, maintain some sort of contact, then you know that you have played a positive part in his life.
Good luck.

Savvy_Sue

meritaten wrote: »

hun - do you think that now you have got him to a better place he feels he can go back and 'help' his mother to one?

I wondered that too, but I have to ask, if Mum said 'no' to him living with her before, what's changed now? Does she want him, or just the Child Benefit?

Does he have anyone he can talk to at school about his options, and how he feels?

marisco_2

joolesw1972 wrote: »

We will let him know that we are always here for him, I just don't think he will realise what he is leaving behind until its too late.

Then spell it out to him. Putting all the natural family attachment and emotions aside, at 14 he is at a crucial stage of his education. To move to another area now is not a wise idea. Especially as he will be with a mum who has struggled to parent him properly previously.

Well done to you for taking this boy in and making such a huge difference to him :T

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Could there also be a bit of the Christmas advertising getting to him?

Or some grief at school about his home circumstances?