A Singularly Lonely Christmas

LavenderBees

BookWorm wrote: »

Def not laughing at you but with you. You managed to keep your sense of humour about things - which is fab. I def need to work on that :think:

I often don't have a sense of humour about things like this, but am trying to. I think the fact I didn't just cry with exhaustion as would have happened last year at various times, does help! But one of my being mindful resolutions is to not sweat the small stuff...I'm trying!! :T

LavenderBees

trifles wrote: »

I think I've learned to 'be comfortable in my own skin'-I think I realised that in this life we really have to like ourselves,be our own best friend by being as kind and tolerant to ourself as we would to a close friend -too easy to slip into negativity by beating ourselves up over what we see as our shortcomings and failure to reach self-imposed targets:)

:T Well said - we all need to be kinder to ourselves.

calicocat

Evening people (or morning for me).

LB...shame about not being allowed a cockerel , the ones my uncle and other farming family members used to have were always real characters.....feisty I will admit, and occasional violent tenancies I agree.....but really funny.

Last shift tonight thank god, I went out am this morning to de-ice the car so ready for when iwas leaving, and ended up doing the whole street of cars due to people from other wards clocking me and shouting out the windows for me to do theirs too. By the time I got back in I looked like a very cold Ray Mears...but clearly without the survival skills to match.

Hope Old boy is feeling better and not feeling sick still, your post and the chaos reminded me of when another cat came into my old flat....Asbo was not amused. Asbo was on top of wardrobe, visitor was on the bed with me....i told him not to purr as she would wake up, did he listen?.....nope.

End result a curtain pole down, all dishes and glassed on sink smashed and on kitchen floor, 3 lamps over and two broken plus a coffee table on its side....all within about 1.5 mins.

Hence....i have 1 cat.


One thing us singles have as a positive....

When I used to work in elderly, it was always those who had been widowed early, or who had lived on their own who were much better at coping in later life. Also they were the ones with the sense of humour, and realistic expectations about their future. I will say again the sense of humour, as this stood out a mile compared to those in couples or recently on their own.........so take heed, and revel in the fact that when you are elderly, and someone is trying to pull your false teeth out to clean (the false teeth you don't have but the carer hasn't worked that out yet).....you will be laughing your head off, whereas the the smug-married will be traumatised.

On smug-marrieds......lots I know definitely aren't smug, and are in relationships that cheese them off big style, or they do seem to envy the singles option of having freedom of choice without having to work out if the other half will mind etc.

As with anything, the grass can seem greener on the other side, but there are pro's and con's for anything. We just have to try to find a happy medium, or happiness that suits us in whatever form that takes....but admittedly that isn't always as easy to do as say.

I think this thread has highlighted this though, and made everyone on here think about that, and how best to achieve it for themselves...which is good, as as someone posted I think we can tend to beat ourselves up about the negatives and not look at what we do achieve.

Right....my sermon is over....lol. Off to get ready, have a good evening folks.

Byatt

Thank you for all the linkies, I've enjoyed reading or listening. Wonderful to feel validated as an introvert, in a family of extroverts.

Lovely post Trifles, in the last year or so I have begun to be a best friend to myself, and it's really rather nice knowing I like me, (for the most part).

Sorry LB, for the foot in sick moment _pale_, I've had a few of those, and worse...:eek:

I've been cat sitting, where a stranger cat comes in at night and eats all the resident cats' food. This morning, I was greeted by the residents looking forlorn and hungry and found packets of Dreamies had been ripped open by stranger cat, and various things knocked over, all food bowls were empty, even the biscuits I had accidentally dropped on the floor as a result of its previous attacks to the packets giving rips where I wasn't expecting, had gone. It even tried to eat an orange! I'm convinced it's bigger than a domestic cat. :eek:

GQ, hope you feel 100% soon.

I have felt emotionally battered, but nonetheless, decided to *do* something, so made a list of my cupboard contents (freezer tomorrow), which is so unlike me, it's unreal, but found it very soothing and productive. Made some bread in the BM after finding a lone packet lurking which was ood, but sadly it went wrong, so turning a negative into a positive, and whilst debating whether the fox/badger that eats what I throw out, would actually eat the stodgy bread, I concluded I could make a bread pudding, which I have, smells lush. Will cool it, and then freeze portions instead of eating in one go! What me? Never! :rotfl:

Listened to the radio instead of having tv on, I want to stop my tv licence so practising, really enjoyed the comic and drama type plays/entertainment.

Calico, I agree about the elderly, when I worked for HMRC, I had a lot of elderly clients, and often when one of them died, the other would say, their partner always did this...(financial, practical etc), and they didn't know where to start. They would always be very worried. Sad really.

On the subject of people staying with someone because they don't want to be alone, well I have known (know) some like that. My ex on being busted, bleated, oh no, I'm going to be all alone now...(thinking we'd both dump him)...no, oh I'm sorry I broke your heart...:rotfl::cool: It's quite a taboo really, as if somehow you're to blame.

Thinking about it, I have made the choice to be on my own now, albeit initially forced on me, and there's lots I do enjoy about it. Changing my frame of mind and seeing the positives does help.

spirit

trifles wrote: »

I read with interest the Guardian article that Sophieschoice highlighted-plenty of food for thought:)-thank you. I have lived on my own for well over 20 years,have no children, pets (yet) and very little close family.All of my close friends are married with their own families,and have very little time to meet up. I am retired (early, please note:D) from an increasingly stressful job and on a much reduced income.So far,so depressing-BUT-while my life may not have gone down the more traditional route,and at times,like every other human being I can be profoundly lonely,I have the belief that I should cultivate an "attitude of gratitude" for the very many positives I do have.
I have CHOICE in doing what I want to do.I see so many people stuck in marriages they don't want to be in often because they don't want 'to be on my own'-in my opinion they are on their own and in a very negative way because it is surely much lonelier to stay just so they have somebody to go to events,family gatherings,holidays etc.so they don't look 'out of place' or fear of solitude living alone. That's true loneliness,to me.I have been there-the relief when I left a disastrous marriage was huge.I was grateful actually not to feel lonely.
Maybe the looks some 'smug marrieds 'give us' singlies' are really envy:D Lack of invites from 'couple' type scenarios are their loss. But it can be hard to walk into a social event on your own-I'm similar to the 'Miranda' sitcom character in height and general clumsiness!:rotfl:A sense of humour conquers most things!
I think I've learned to 'be comfortable in my own skin'-I think I realised that in this life we really have to like ourselves,be our own best friend by being as kind and tolerant to ourself as we would to a close friend -too easy to slip into negativity by beating ourselves up over what we see as our shortcomings and failure to reach self-imposed targets:)

Love this post. I am a frequent lurker, occasional poster on the marriage & families board. I read some of the life stories on there and it makes me feel almost a smug single. I have ventured into the online dating community a few years back and really not liked some of the behavious I've encountered from intelligent, professional men. It's not that I'm scared of finding someone else, but I can honestly say that there isn't something missing in my life that I need a man for (that I couldn't pay for if I wanted - fence erecting that is!)

LavenderBees

calicocat wrote: »

Hope Old boy is feeling better and not feeling sick still.

On smug-marrieds......lots I know definitely aren't smug, and are in relationships that cheese them off big style, or they do seem to envy the singles option of having freedom of choice without having to work out if the other half will mind etc.

As with anything, the grass can seem greener on the other side, but there are pro's and con's for anything. We just have to try to find a happy medium, or happiness that suits us in whatever form that takes....but admittedly that isn't always as easy to do as say.

Old boy is fine, thanks. That's why I'm not sweating the small stuff. Far bigger would have been if this bout of sickness had been an indication of a big deterioration. As it was, while I was trying to clear up, he was mithering for his breakfast...never shut up until he had it. Obviously feeling very empty... he is hyperthyroid and it is controlled by diet as complications mean he cannot take the tablets for this condition. He's got to young boy cat's food once too often I think, so I need to get control again.

Sorry, didn't mean to imply all partnered people are smug marrieds. Far from it, and I know many partnered people who have empathy for people on their own (as I have for others in relationships) But I work with 3 of them, unfortunately. One upset me greatly a few years ago, when I said I'd happily spent a weekend on my own pottering. Her answer...rolled her eyes, and said "oh yeah, well you have no option so you have to say that...I couldn't stand to be in your position". I was rather taken aback. Mind, she's the same one who, on hearing my Mam was seriously ill with altzheimers, shrugged and said she didn't know what all the fuss was about "it's just a bit of forgetfulness"...I try not to talk to her unless I absolutely have to...:(

I LOVE the idea of becoming a smug singlie though ... it certainly does seem that a change of mindset rather than situation is very possibly the answer.

Today's feeling of gratitude for being a singlie...I have just had the most gorgeous mince dinner, and I haven't had to consider anyone else's requirements, nor had to share it :rotfl:

LavenderBees

Byatt wrote: »

Thinking about it, I have made the choice to be on my own now, albeit initially forced on me, and there's lots I do enjoy about it. Changing my frame of mind and seeing the positives does help.

Yes, I suspect I have too. I do miss the partnership part of a good relationship, and the emotional support, though.

Changing mindset is definitely required...

calicocat

LavenderBees wrote: »

Old boy is fine, thanks. That's why I'm not sweating the small stuff. Far bigger would have been if this bout of sickness had been an indication of a big deterioration. As it was, while I was trying to clear up, he was mithering for his breakfast...never shut up until he had it. Obviously feeling very empty... he is hyperthyroid and it is controlled by diet as complications mean he cannot take the tablets for this condition. He's got to young boy cat's food once too often I think, so I need to get control again.

Sorry, didn't mean to imply all partnered people are smug marrieds. Far from it, and I know many partnered people who have empathy for people on their own (as I have for others in relationships) But I work with 3 of them, unfortunately. One upset me greatly a few years ago, when I said I'd happily spent a weekend on my own pottering. Her answer...rolled her eyes, and said "oh yeah, well you have no option so you have to say that...I couldn't stand to be in your position". I was rather taken aback. Mind, she's the same one who, on hearing my Mam was seriously ill with altzheimers, shrugged and said she didn't know what all the fuss was about "it's just a bit of forgetfulness"...I try not to talk to her unless I absolutely have to...:(

I LOVE the idea of becoming a smug singlie though ... it certainly does seem that a change of mindset rather than situation is very possibly the answer.

Today's feeling of gratitude for being a singlie...I have just had the most gorgeous mince dinner, and I haven't had to consider anyone else's requirements, nor had to share it :rotfl:

Oh no, I didn't think for a moment that you were implying that all couples are smug or even happy for that matter.....more that I think that sometimes we singles assume couples are in some way better off....because they often like to tell us they are (as in the woman at your work).

To be honest I have a couple of couple friends who are often fed up with not being able to do as they fancy (the women half) due to insecure needy men....not something I could put up with....nore ever have however.

I think I too have decided I am happy to remain single, or at least it would take someone very very special indeed to get me to swap the positives I do have now with the cons I have had in past relationships. I guess you should never say never.........so they say....but I guess it's ok to whisper it in the back of your head every now and again.


For instance...the male guest I had staying recently.....to be honest I couldn't wait for him to leave, I found him really irritating to be around for any serious length of time....and leaving his mess annoyed me too. URrrrmmmmm.........pick up your cup and take it to kitchen....and don't put the empty sweet wrappers back in my bowl of sweets!!!......

Lol......I had this HUGE alarm bell going off in my head......not that it would ever be the case....but I had really scary visions of a life with him 2 yrs (if not 2 months down the road)..not with me but with any female......of him doing bot all around a house and waiting to be waited on hand and foot..........i found myself having serious Bridget Jones head moments and an inner voice screaming 'get out of my house!'.........lol.

BookWorm

Byatt wrote: »

Changing my frame of mind and seeing the positives does help.

LavenderBees wrote: »

Yes, I suspect I have too. I do miss the partnership part of a good relationship, and the emotional support, though.

Changing mindset is definitely required...

I agree with both of these points and this thread has helped me realise that. Now I just need to put it into practice...which is always easier said than done!

trifles

I can relate to the 'alarm bells', Calico:D While I like the idea of a settled relationship,like yourself I would have to feel he was very special to me-maybe there's a sewing/knitting pattern somewhere!I'm too used to pleasing myself in my own home.One thing that I do find a bit difficult is going away for breaks or holidays.

Cheeses me off having to pay single person supplements if travelling alone,and lucky that I am to have close friends,usually they have to have their holidays with family-understandably. Rather than not go away at all,I find some shared-interest/activity holidays can work out cheaper and more congenial sometimes.Better than the Shirley Valentine' scenario of being adopted by a couple in a hotel:rotfl: