Maintenance, marital home, new home.. help!

Caz3121

chilli_burn wrote: »

2. pay higher maintenance but put house in her name and let her deal with it (more risky for me I think)

But unless she can take over the mortgage on her own (which is unlikely with no equity and only working part time) you will need to remain on the mortgage

chilli_burn

OK, which leaves me with option 1... I remain actively on the mortgage, 50% ownership. I will continue to maintain the house, fix stuff, and we can together fund fixing it up (keep receipts and documented evidence of everything that is done etc for resale)

and I will continue to pay half the mortgage on top of maintenance...

HoneyNutLoop

Your wife can submit a claim now as a single parent but it will be tricky at this stage. The benefits office will need to consider if you are still living together as husband and wife - I.e. still maintaining one household rather than maintaining two, like student housesmates, etc. This is a link to the DWP's decision makers guide on the subject:
https://www.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/251390/dmg-vol3-ch11.pdf and also a link to an old annex which poses some questions to consider: https://www.google.co.uk/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&ei=4WyYUsGeF-jH7AaToYG4BA&url=http://www.dwp.gov.uk/docs/c1annxa.pdf&cd=5&ved=0CDYQFjAE&usg=AFQjCNEEdEkVnoE057kwoEx1pCoTm_vrjQ&sig2=_OhusDHDy8tHqS5LDGVhzA

As for the housing situation, when making these kind of plans, plans you will end up living with for years to come, you need to consider how those plans will pan out in the worst case scenario too. Things are pleasant now, how will things work in 5 years if things sour? What if you lose your job? How about if either you or she get in another serious relationship? If you have more kids? If interest rates and so your mortgage payments rise? If she struggles financially and doesn't pay her half of the mortgage?

It's hard to consider some of these options when you want to remain friends but you need to have an objective head on. You will be stuck with your decision possibly for the rest of your life. If you can't look at all the possible future scenarios emotionlessly you are best at least getting some professional advice. This could be from a charity or specialist organisation rather than a solicitor, like families need fathers for example. Don't rush a decision like this.

chilli_burn

thanks for the pointers... I have emailed families-need-fathers NI sister organisation as I am sure the laws and procedures here are different and probably a few years behind those in England...

If it was not for the worry of what the future holds, how does the plan seem? am I being fair in what I have suggested? or am I being nuts?

I need to get professional help and hopefully the FNF people can help before I go to a family lawyer...

I just want to get the point where I can get a new house, where wife can stay in our own house, and everything is hunky dory... we stay friends forever and life is great!

EclipsedMind

The first thing to do is sort out a clean break divorce agreement. With no equity in the house it should be quite easy.

If you stay on the mortgage (the only way that house is not being sold) it will severely impact you ability to borrow for another property. So take that mortgage value off your affordability based on income multipliers to see if you can afford anything.

You should also be thinking of what happens years down the line if you have met someone maybe more kids and need to buy something bigger and can't because of this millstone mortgage.

Now looking from your soon to be ex wife's perspective you are retaining power over her post separation. Should you make yourself unemployed or not pay the mortgage she is still liable for the unaffordable mortgage and could end up homeless. What happens if she loses her job are you going to bankroll her? Its messy imho.

There is a lot of sense in making clean breaks between parties and whilst it might be undesirable for her to move I would suggest it is the best way. Can you manage to cohabit for a while until there is equity or the house value has risen? If it is amicable then it would allow you both to save up and look at the options better. You could still sort out the clean break in the interim.

EM

HoneyNutLoop

This is a link to the NI version of the sorting out separation info available in CM options: http://www.nidirect.gov.uk/index/do-it-online/parents-online/help-with-sorting-out-separation.htm?smartphone=no

Here is also some further reading about living together as husband and wife, this time from the tax credits perspective: http://www.hmrc.gov.uk/manuals/tctmanual/tctm09330.htm

http://www.hmrc.gov.uk/taxcredits/start/claiming/get-started/joint-single-claim.htm

Your plan is risky and leaves you both vulnerable and neither of you can really move on from each other as you remain financially tied and dependant on one another. I personally would not choose this option but if you are willing to assume the risk and some potentially nasty consequences, that's your prerogative.

Your ex will be vulnerable because she would not be self-sufficient. She also would not be autonomous as she could not move etc without your permission. I personally believe, child maintenance aside, the less financially interdependent and linked you are, the easier it is to remain amicable. Most couples argue about money and financial problems and they have love to smooth things over. You will no longer be a couple but could be subject to the same arguments as you remain financially tied in the same way.

chilli_burn

hmmm takng all of the risk into account, and with our plan going forward, I still think that this might be right for us... it probaqbly sounds crazy from the outside, but with our situation I do think it might work..

the future plan (which includes me NEVER wanting to meet and settle down with anyone ever again, fovever and ever!!) is to get the big one off to college in 18 months, and then get the younger one through primary school

at that point (in 4 years) the housing market should have recovered meaning we can sell this house and split the profits.... (or rent it out and split the profits). the Ex then wants to travel the world being a writer (it is what she always wanted to do, so wants to do 3-6month stints around the world on her own) meaning I would then take on full parenting of the little one through secondary school

I know this sounds mad, but it is a plan that I fully believe can be followed through without issue on both sides

there is a massive amount of trust involved here I know but this feels right inside...

I don't know, I guess I am still living a little in coockoo land, and I am making a lot of assumptions, especially about the risks... but if everything went as planned, then it would be a good approach I think...

chilli_burn

thank you so much for those links, I will do some more research.... that said, it looks like the next step should be for me to get the (ex)wife to go into the benefits agency and have a chat about options, what it means this year, next year and the year after in terms of levels of benefits.. as I know there are things that change as the kids get older, and then the big one will be going to college so if her benefits fell to nothing, it might make living more difficult... that said, she cold work more so who knows.. (i then of course should refer back to the above, we are being quite inter-dependant which i know is a big no-no in separation)

thank you so much everyone for the help on this... i know i am not being an easy patient, and i assume everyone who enters this things their situation is different and they can handle it better, so i am sorry if i sound like that... i just want to find the best possible solution taking into account our "planned" next 5 years...

kelpie35

I think you are a very trusting person and would not like to see you being used both financially and emotionally.

You are the only person who can decide if you trust your ex to keep her side of the bargain.

From a personal point of view, I would be looking out for myself and child.

You read on here every day promises that have been made between couples breaking up which have gone drastically wrong and people get really hurt.

I hope you manage to find a solution to your problem.

chilli_burn

Thanks Kelpie, I agree with you 100%.... I think if I hated the wife it would be so much easier, but we are such good friends. if truth be told, we should never have got married, we should have stayed friends.. (but then I would never have gotten my beautiful daughter, and been able to be such an active role in my step-son's life).

i would never get custody of the kids if this went to court, not a hope. Dad's have to have a pretty good reason for getting it over the mum and I have no reason to think she would be a particularly bad mother... this plan gives me than in a few years anyway...at least in a form...