im the only one who didnt know.

red_devil

Family has always been abit secretive. You get told things that you werent supposed to know also told you shouldnt say you know that kind of thing. Not very open as a whole family.

my brother recently told me that my sister had split with her husband, from what i can gather they still live in the same house but seem to bd doing separate things. My parents knew as well. Mum died in may sadly but she knew.

it irritates me all this secrecy all the time. I live a distance from them i hate it thought. I suppose i could ask ky sister outright dont see alot of her though. Its made me feel awkward. Sometimex i think dont worry about it and dont mention it, then other times i want to say something.

what do you think, not bother or broach it. Is anyone elses family like this.

pollypenny

Let her tell you. She may be living in hope they the the will be a reconciliation.

maman

pollypenny wrote: »

Let her tell you. She may be living in hope they the the will be a reconciliation.

I tend to agree. It's your sister's news to tell.

All I'd add is that you perhaps need to decide whether your brother was just 'gossiping' or he was telling you so that you could offer your sister some sort of support.

Personally I'd do nothing.

In answer to your question, I wouldn't say my family is secretive but there are things that DH and I have chosen not to share with our (grown up) daughters mainly not to worry them. I think it's fairly common. There are loads of posts on these boards where people say things to their 'virtual' friends rather than asking/telling family. There are many reasons like pride or don't want to be judged or least said soonest mended etc.

red_devil

It would just be better that if you werent supposed to know then you wetent told, because then you know but cant speak about it.

thorsoak

Does it really matter that you didn't know? You've all had to deal with the death of your mum, and maybe the rest of the family weren't sure that you were strong enough to deal with that news.

I don't tell my much-loved sisters everything - somethings I prefer to share with friends, but some things are shared only with my sisters.

Don't let it upset you - feel upset for your sister, yes - but let her tell you in her own good time.

building_with_lego

Ah, families
My Father- in- law told my sister- in-law that I was pregnant for the first time, thus denying my partner the chance of telling his big sister that he was to become a father.
My Mother- in-law told my brother- in-law that I was pregnant for the first time, thus denying my partner the chance of telling his big brother that he was to become a father.
This after breaking the news to them and asking that they kept it to themselves for now. The contrast between my in-laws and my parents, who asked whether they were allowed to tell other family members yet and reassured us that they would not mention it until given the go- ahead, still amazes me.
(ETA: I've never expressed to my parents-in-law how that made me feel but my partner and sister-in-law understand completely!)


Red Devil, in your situation I think I would, the next time you speak to your sister, ask her how she is. How life is for her. If she chooses to open up to you that's great, but equally if she doesn't you'll know to keep quiet. Or you could ask your brother whether your sister had asked him to tell you- it may have been easier for her to get him to break the news. Start talking!

BitterAndTwisted

If you want to cause ructions then repeat any gossip you like. That goes for friends, acquaintances as well as for family.

No-one has an absolute right to know anything about anyone's personal life. In your shoes I'd be having a conversation with blabber-mouth brother about the virtues of tact, diplomacy and discretion and his need to keep his fat nose out of other people's private business.

Fully expect anything you may have told him in the strictest confidence to be printed in the newspapers within 24 hours.

marisco_2

red_devil wrote: »

what do you think, not bother or broach it. Is anyone elses family like this.

Thankfully my family isn't like this. If anything they are way too open and upfront about things which can bring its own problems too.

In your position I wouldn't broach what you know about your sisters marriage issues with her. She has chosen who to confide in and as an adult she must have her reasons for doing that. Perhaps she only felt able to share what is happening with a couple of people, in order to take their advice on how to attempt to resolve the problems in her relationship. She may not have wanted the issues she and her husband have to be public knowledge at this time. You sound like a supportive and kind person who would help if she could. Respect your sisters need for privacy and let her turn to you in her own time if she needs to is my advice.

74jax

red_devil wrote: »

I live a distance from them i hate it thought. I suppose i could ask ky sister outright dont see alot of her though.

Sometimex i think dont worry about it and dont mention it, then other times i want to say something.

what do you think, not bother or broach it. Is anyone elses family like this.

Do you talk on the phone a lot? When you asked what she and her husband were up to did avoid the question? Seems odd if you talk etc that it wouldn't come up.

I understand how it can happen if you don't talk alot (on top of not seeing each other). I wouldn't make a phone call just to explain it to someone I didn't speak to all the time - even if it was my sister.

When I split with my BF years back, he moved out and I got the house put in my name and mum never knew till she decided to visit and I told her.

Vicky123

Going to sound weird but I don't know any family that doesn't keep secrets from one another, maybe I move in strange circles.
I wouldn't say anything in your position, wait to be told by your sister.

hazyjo

Sometimes people don't want their 'secrets' shared. For whatever reason - but it is their reason. We have no rights to expect to be told.

I remember when my cousin died. He was only in his 30s with a young family. My mum and her sister are extremely close, but my cousin had absolutely banned his mum from telling anyone he had cancer. He didn't want anyone knowing or seeing him like that. My mum was devastated when she found out - more that she'd not been able to support her sister. Mum did get to see him right near the end. Thankfully her sister had talked to her before my cousin died. Very emotional time.

I still haven't told some people at work I'm no longer with my husband (divorced a year ago). I just can't handle the conversation cos I'm still an emotional wreck over that and losing my dad (and cat) in the space of a year (2012-2013). I blub at anything and hate the attention being on me. Need to change my name back at work but keep putting it off. Might do it the next time I'll be off for more than a week so I don't have to face everyone and they can gossip when I'm not there. It's old news to me, but I just don't want the conversations.

Jx