Advice please...

Pigeongirl

Hello all

My son is 8 years old and has recently made friends with a girl from a nearby house. He has only recently started being allowed to play on the small green outside without supervision (though I'm always in my house if he needs me).

This girl is a couple of years older, polite and well behaved though can be quite 'forward'. What I mean by that is she keeps asking to sleep over and I keep saying no (because I don't know her family and I'm not comfortable with it).

I've spoken to her mum a few times and she seems pleasant enough - a bit rough round the edges perhaps.

The thing I'm finding hard is that this girl wants to be here all the time. She even asks to come in when my son is not here. She will stay all day if allowed. Her mum seems happy for her to do this and I hate saying no but I'm finding it hard to feed her and my son all the time and also, i feel like i want some space back!

What concerns me is that there must be a reason she doesn't want to be at home and if I reject her then I'm damaging a possibly lonely and neglected girl. But if I have her over all the time am I just a mug?

Any advice?

kelpie35

I think I would be having a word with her mother letting her know that her DD is wanting to be with you all the time.

If you feel you cant speak with her how about mentioning it to the school.

Obviously it is worrying you. Has your son been to visit the girl in her own home. Does the girl tell your son how things are at home?

balletshoes

Pigeongirl wrote: »

Hello all

My son is 8 years old and has recently made friends with a girl from a nearby house. He has only recently started being allowed to play on the small green outside without supervision (though I'm always in my house if he needs me).

This girl is a couple of years older, polite and well behaved though can be quite 'forward'. What I mean by that is she keeps asking to sleep over and I keep saying no (because I don't know her family and I'm not comfortable with it).

I've spoken to her mum a few times and she seems pleasant enough - a bit rough round the edges perhaps.

The thing I'm finding hard is that this girl wants to be here all the time. She even asks to come in when my son is not here. She will stay all day if allowed. Her mum seems happy for her to do this and I hate saying no but I'm finding it hard to feed her and my son all the time and also, i feel like i want some space back!

What concerns me is that there must be a reason she doesn't want to be at home and if I reject her then I'm damaging a possibly lonely and neglected girl. But if I have her over all the time am I just a mug?

Any advice?

Kids don't know the boundaries in your home/family unless you let them know what they are. So if its not convenient for you for the girl to be there all day playing with your son, just say so - when she calls for him, tell them both that she can stay for a while, but should go home before tea/lunch/whenever you think is appropriate.
Just say no if she comes calling and wants to stay in your home when your son isn't available to play - just tell her your son will see her next time he's home.

Nothing wrong with saying no to sleepovers if you/your son don't really want them. I rarely said yes to sleepovers when my DD was your son's age, usually it was only for birthdays among her best friends.

balletshoes

oh, just thought i should mention also - i used to have 2 neighbours kids, one boy and one girl, who would also call round and want to stay at my house and play even if my DD wasn't home. It was because she had different toys to them and it was a go on the toys they were after .

BitterAndTwisted

You are the adult so you are the one who decides whether this child can be in your home and for how long. She could be starved of attention at home but that's not your problem. When your child is playing with her you decide how long he's allowed out for, when he should come back home and whether that's alone or not.

It's quite straightforward to tell child of that age that she should go home for her lunch/tea/dinner and that yours won't be allowed back out after that/you've got other plans/whatever. I was always sent home at mealtimes when I was a nipper. No-one expected to feed other people's kids unless it was a pre-arranged between the adults. This was likely because others couldn't afford to feed another mouth on a regular basis.

jackyann

A lot of parents find themselves in this situation, and I expect there will be a number of replies that will help you sort out how best to deal with this.
My take is:
check things out gently with your son - does he like having her around? If he doesn't then you have to say no.
If he does, then sort out some ground rules around the times you are OK with having her in your house. You can set up a "code" as well, with your son asking a question like "what time did you say we have to go to nanny's?" for when he wants her gone!
You can also say to her (and her mum if you like) - "Sorry, it's not going to be convenient / work out for Jemima to stay to tea today"

This child is not your responsibility in terms of her general care - that is for her parents. If you have concerns that she is not being cared for properly, then keep a note, and contact social services / NSPCC / her school as you see fit.

Basically - your home, yours (and your son's) rules.
Sadly lots of chiuldren are not badly neglected, but perhaps don't have the love & care that really helps them flourish. If you have the time & energy to spare to help one along the way, great; but never at the expense of your own family's well-being.

Hope that helps - and thank goodness for people like you who do take an interest.
And PS: I would not have a child this age on a sleepover unless I knew them / their parents well.

pukkamum

I went through this but I'm embarrassed to admit I was the girl.
We had a neighbour, a young mum with a little girl my little sisters age.
I would go round with little sister but would chat with the mum, I adored her, her house was trendily decorated, they had sky t.v, she had chocolate biscuits and she seemed genuinely interested in what I had to say.
it got to the point where I was knocking on the door every day, spending whole days there, not because anything was wrong at home just that her house was so much more exciting and she was so much fun.
imagine my horror when mum told me I had to stop going over as much, I was so angry with mum, convinced she was just being mean.
in reality I suspect the neighbour had had a word with mum.
They moved not long after..............

BitterAndTwisted

Lots of kids get chucked out of the house so they're not under Mum's feet all day. We were and loved to be INVITED into a pal's home but parents were quite candid about whether it was convenient or not. If it wasn't we played outside until meal-time/it started raining. Wanting to come into your home when your child isn't there is an imposition but that's not something I would expect a young child to be able to understand. "No, not now" is all that needs to be said there.

top_drawer_2

PigeonGirl,

Your post brought back memories for me too of being that girl, unfortunately. I would have very much liked to have at my best friend when I was around 8, it was safe, predictable and quiet, plus she had many toys and her parents were lovely. Its so sad that there are children who feel they want to be away from home.

I support JackyAnn's response though, that its great if you can offer the space but not at the expense of your own family. I personally hope that I would be able to find the space if I found myself in a similar situation, even if it means reorganising space / time to be more flexible. Tread carefully as to this day I can remember my best friends Mum saying I couldn't go to her house each night, anymore - she could come to mine, which I knew wouldn't last long.

TD

Pigeongirl

Thanks all.

My son loves having her round and she really is good as gold, it's just a bit full on! She's skinny but not malnourished and always clean and well clothed.

My house is a quiet house and my son an only child - my husband and I are happily married. I know her parents are divorced and there's apparently nine children altogether so perhaps she likes the contrast!

You've put my mind at rest somewhat as my friend told me today I was being a mug and I should be careful. I just feel that if my home can be a place of peace and stability for a child then I shouldn't begrudge that.

I think I'll just be a little stricter about when is our family time!

marisco_2

Pigeongirl wrote: »

What concerns me is that there must be a reason she doesn't want to be at home and if I reject her then I'm damaging a possibly lonely and neglected girl. But if I have her over all the time am I just a mug?

Set boundaries that you feel comfy with around this child and stick to them. Make it clear that she can only visit your house when your son is there, and decide in advance with him how long she can stay for. Supply a drink of squash and a biscuit and leave it at that. If you make her over welcome and comfy then of course she will want to visit often and for long periods. I work as a teacher and strongly advise against having any child in your house alone with you, when you barely know them or their parents. Especially so when you hold concerns about the families dynamics. You are not responsible for this child and if you are worried about her speak to the appropriate agencies.