how can I tell him to leave without causing offence...!

newcook

got a call the other night from my dad saying he and his OH had fell out and could he come and stay with us for a couple of days... of course I said yes.

well, he arrived yesterday and told me why they fell out - a silly row about dad's OH's SIL (kind of SIL!!)

The pair of them are as stubborn as each other - I have told them both not to let this SIL cause rows between them. It turns out SIL said some really nasty things to dads OH which my dad didn't like and said so but because OH was upset she took it out on my dad and told him to leave. Rather than go for a long walk and let her chill, he did as he was told and left and got the train to where I live spending pretty much his last penny on the fare.
Anyway, I spoke with my OH today who said that my dad has been to the benefits office and changed the address to my address so he can collect it next week - thing is he didn't ask if this was ok or if it was ok to stop longer than a few days. His OH has said to me that its not my dads fault and would like him to return so they can get it sorted between them but my dad is being quite stubborn so when he calls OH they end up arguing about it all over again!!!

As much as I love my dad to bits I really don’t want him stopping indefinately - for starters we cant afford it - I had only budgeted for food for 2 and as he spent his money on his train fare he will expect me to buy his cigs and beer when what he has bought runs out - we cant even afford these luxuries ourselves!!!
Any ideas how I can tell him nicely to go home?!?!!?!

black-saturn

Ask him to contribute towards the rent, food and bills by dividing them by 3. If he says he can't tell him that you are having financial problems as it is and can't afford to take another person on.

outrageous_monkey

How about asking your dad's OH if she could come over to yours and then you and your OH go out for a bit and you never know, they could kiss and make up

But I wouldnt be buying your dads cigs or beer, he is a grown man and he should buy his own.

I like BS suggestion of asking him to contribute towards the household, that might make him want to make up with his OH sooner than later:T

Justie

it sounds like you need to have the 'when are you going home' conversation. Asking to stay for a couple of days is different to expecting to be there for a week or more. Face him head on with it and don't try to sugar the pill . It doesn't mean you have to say 'I want you to leave' but you need to make it clear that he can stay for 'x' number of days but then you expect him to go home.

reheat

Lovely guy though your Dad is, I think he is presuming a bit too much on your hospitality ~ settling himself into what should be your groove. It may be impossible to avoid hurting him a bit, but the longer things go on the more everyone's going to end up getting hurt in the end. Better a bit of hurt now than loads of it later? ... 'cos it will happen later if it goes on.

So as with so many relationship things, it's not so much about not hurting the person at all, it's about hurting them as little as possible. Sometimes striving to avoid any hurt results in lots down the line. And don't forget you-and-your's own feelings as well, it's important. If these things are allowed to get out of hand they can become very destructive.

newcook

thanks all - well, I got home last night and he was on phone to OH and fingers crossed they have made it up!!! I spoke with his OH and told her that she cant let SIL come between them and told dad the same. said that SIL is just a bully and if they let him come between them then he has won which they both agreed so my dad is going up to the benefits office today to try and get a crisis loan for a train or coach ticket back home so everyone keep your fingers crossed that they say yes!!

dottyanne

Well i Can totally sympathuse with you - my mum kicked my dad out - complicated and he asked to stay with me and hubby till he sorted out - that was over 2 and half years ago - he's well overstayed his welcome but he's my Dad and although he does contribute by paying keep its not the point - our home is not our own anymore and we have very little privacy - and advise to me would also be appreciated!!

dotty xx

pinkshoes

dottyanne wrote: »

Well i Can totally sympathuse with you - my mum kicked my dad out - complicated and he asked to stay with me and hubby till he sorted out - that was over 2 and half years ago - he's well overstayed his welcome but he's my Dad and although he does contribute by paying keep its not the point - our home is not our own anymore and we have very little privacy - and advise to me would also be appreciated!!

dotty xx

2.5 YEARS?!?!

Have you tried having very loud sex, or maybe doing it in the living room?? He needs to be reminded that you're a couple that do require privacy, and what better way to do it than that!! :rotfl:

reheat

dottyanne wrote: »

and advise to me would also be appreciated!!

dotty xx

Don't think I could top pinkshoes' advice! ... but I'd say your a deal further along the road I was warning newcook about. But whatever point you are at it invariably comes down to the same thing ~ you may have no choice but to hurt somebody so some extent, just keep it as little as possible. But the further down the road you are the more that "'little as possible" ends up being, and the longer you go the more it will be. You and yours have a right to your own lives, you just have to be as compassionate as you can whilst achieving that. Good luck.

ailuro2

Dotty- start leaving property guides lying around with one bedroom flats circled....if you rent then say you want a foot on the property ladder, if you own already say you the flat is for him to view/ you are downsizing?

He may get the hint...2 1/2 years is too long- it must really affect your relationship...

newcook

yay!!! waved my dad off on the train yesterday!!!!! bless him! I said to him it was lovely to have him stay but it would have been better under different circumstances (ie a planned visit). hopefully I will be registered as a childminder soon so if there is a next time I can tell him to stay put and sort it out as he wont be able to stay with me as he is not CRB checked...!