Advice on relationship breakdown/ family split

cms33

Up until Feb this year i had been in a relationship/co-habiting with now ex partner.. Unfortunately i came to probably the hardest and longest decision ive had to make to leave... and go back to my parents.
We never got married.. she had a daughter (17)from previous marriage and we had a son(11) together, at the time of leaving i continued to pay money into the joint account as if i was still living there, this included the bills and mortgage and extra money for food etc.. she has never worked since before we got together and claims a disability/sickness benefit.. her ex husband doesnt pay any csa for his child so i thought the reasonable thing to do was to continue to pay for everything.

From August i froze the joint account for fear of her withdrawing more than she should, i did this because it was linked to my main account and didnt want to get dragged under. I also talked to her and we transfered the bills into her name which she now pays but i still pay the mortgage which is about the same as a csa payment would amount to.. give or take a couple of quid.

Im worried that before long she is going to stop me from seeing my son and constantly uses him as a weapon to get at me.. how would i fair if she does? as ive never been violent in any way although she has attacked me twice, once in front of both kids.

We still have a mortgaged property in joint names together and 2 cars in differing value both ive paid for and 1 in my name.. even though ive paid the majority into what was our relationship/family i just want my half out so i can start again.. may sound selfish.. she cant afford to buy me out and is refusing to sell the house.. we have just started mediation which seems to be going nowhere with her refusing to come to any reasonable solution.. She thinks because i left i deserve nothing. I can see mediation being dragged out for a long time and getting very expensive..

The other issue i have is my son.. he always seems to be in trouble with her, and i feel she is neglecting him.. he seems to be still up at 10pm on a school night and on his xbox until gone midnight on a weekend for whatever reasons.. maybe im getting old or something but i think these times are quite late for an 11 y/o..

Any advice would be much appreciated
Many thanks

19lottie82

You were right to close the joint account. You're not together anymore, so there shouldn't be one.

In terms of the house, I'm afraid there prob isn't much you can do. if she doesn't earn enough to take on the mortgage then your name can't be removed from it.

And as you have a child together, you more than likely won't be able to force a sale until he is 18.

10pm is late ish for an 11 year old during the week, I agree BUT realistically, it's not unheard of. My OH's daughter was going to dance classes during the week when she was 12, that didn't finish until 945.

Also, your son may be playing up at home (possibly due to the separation) , hence why he is "always in trouble". As hard as it is, I'd try to avoid this part of the problem, unless things get really serious / bad. You wont do yourself any favours arguing with your ex about this.

the best advice I can give you is try and keep things civil, it will mean your son is happier and also make things easier for all fo you in the future.

cms33

Thanks for the reply.. Ive tried as much as possible to keep things as amicable as possible, ive not turned up without saying something, i dont go into the house or cause any problems.. unfortunatley shes not been the same.. i can understand she is upset etc so go out of my way not to insite her in any way.

If i stay on the mortgage it looks like i am going to be restricted to what im going to be able to borrow for another mortgage so i will have to stay at my parents or rent for another 7 years??.. im 39.. this seems a little unfair. She has also indicated she doesnt want to sell at any time.. never mind when my son is 18..

Cheers.

19lottie82

cms33 wrote: »

If i stay on the mortgage it looks like i am going to be restricted to what im going to be able to borrow for another mortgage so i will have to stay at my parents or rent for another 7 years??.. im 39.. this seems a little unfair.

You're right, it does seem unfair, but again, there's not much you can do about it, unless you can increase your income so you can afford two mortgages. Or she increases her income and buys you out.

cms33 wrote: »

She has also indicated she doesn't want to sell at any time.. never mind when my son is 18..

That's understandable, but again, if you go to court to get an order in place, stating that you can sell when your son is 18, there won't be much she can do about it. You are legally obliged to provide for your child (until he is 18), not her.

I would advise going to see a solicitor re the house and what your best path would be.

19lottie82

PS how much equity is in the house. would it be enough for her to be able to buy a smaller property and fund any mortgage with her benefits?

only an option if she agrees tho, and from your OP, I'm guessing she wont.

Sinhanada

Break ups can be hard, not just on you but also on your son. I would suspect this may be why he is acting up and always in trouble. Meditation although it may seem to be going nowhere is hopefully your best shout before costly court proceedings.

Is your son able to come and stay with you for a while and see if that helps his behaviour (Obviously with the ex's permission).

I agree with the other posters here - until the children turn 18 there is very little you can do to get them out of the house. I'd be more happy in the knowledge knowing that they will have a good landlord.

Lastly, good luck and I hope things turn around for you

RAS

cms33 wrote: »

If i stay on the mortgage it looks like i am going to be restricted to what im going to be able to borrow for another mortgage so i will have to stay at my parents or rent for another 7 years??.. im 39.. this seems a little unfair. She has also indicated she doesnt want to sell at any time.. never mind when my son is 18.

Hi

Because you are not married, it is much harder to deal with the joint mortgage situation.

Basically, you have two options (and one of these may be forced on you)

1. If she accepts your continued payment of the mortgage, once junior is 18 years old (or a bit before) write and advise her that when he leaves school, you will be seeking a sale. You may have to go for an order of sale which takes time. if it is a joint tenancy rather than tenants in common, the normal split is 50:50.

2. If she decides to go to the CSA, you stop the mortgage payments otherwise you will end up paying both. Speak to the mortgage provider. She gets the CSA and pays the mortgage and can claim MIA on top of her existing benefits. In which case, it may be best to get the place valued and when you go for the order for sale ask for half the equity at the time of the valuation (because she has been paying since that date).

Probably a good idea to speak to someone from an organisation like Families need Fathers.

cms33

19lottie82 wrote: »

PS how much equity is in the house. would it be enough for her to be able to buy a smaller property and fund any mortgage with her benefits?

only an option if she agrees tho, and from your OP, I'm guessing she wont.

there would be around 100k atm if the house was sold/mortgage paid off.. the mediation chap said thats 50k each which she nonchalantly said why should he get any of that.. ha im up against it. shes also in line for a endowment pay out.. so yeah she should be able to get something fairly reasonable.. just refuses.

cms33

Sinhanada wrote: »

Break ups can be hard, not just on you but also on your son. I would suspect this may be why he is acting up and always in trouble. Meditation although it may seem to be going nowhere is hopefully your best shout before costly court proceedings.

Is your son able to come and stay with you for a while and see if that helps his behaviour (Obviously with the ex's permission).


Lastly, good luck and I hope things turn around for you

My son stays with me once a week on a friday night.. couple of weeks ago stayed 2 nights whilst on half term.. i was suprised that she even noticed and said that he was more relaxed after being with me..

My son tells me hes angry (with her) because they are always talking about meand having a go, i try to tell not to worry about it... i dont know for sure if thats the case and obviously im not completely blameless for leaving but i try and make things as normal or as happy as i can for him in hope it stops him thinking about things too much..

cms33

RAS wrote: »

Hi


Basically, you have two options (and one of these may be forced on you)


2. If she decides to go to the CSA, you stop the mortgage payments otherwise you will end up paying both. Speak to the mortgage provider. She gets the CSA and pays the mortgage and can claim MIA on top of her existing benefits. In which case, it may be best to get the place valued and when you go for the order for sale ask for half the equity at the time of the valuation (because she has been paying since that date).

Probably a good idea to speak to someone from an organisation like Families need Fathers.

True i do need to speak to mortgage company.. over the last few years id paid extra on my mortgage in hope of finishing it early.. may be able to use some of these over payments.. would she need to agree to this?.. doubt she would

Cheers.

Mojisola

Do you have parental responsibility for your son?

If not, get that dealt with.

A child doesn't automatically have to stay with the mother. Would it be better for him to come to live with you?