Getting past a dislike of OH's family member?

Fosterdog

If you look at it from her point of view, your OH is someone she has known and loved for a long time and she has recently found out that there has been a big secret kept from her.

When I came out as bi I lost my best friend. She is not homophobic and she has other gay friends but she was hurt that we had been friends for so long and I kept that part a secret from her. It hurt her more that instead of coming out to her first I came out to other people because I hadn't known them as long it was easier for me to come out to them.

After a year we really did try to rebuild bridges and she even introduced me to a girl she worked with that I had a great short term relationship with, but the damage to our friendship was done and we are still friends but have drifted so far apart that I don't know if it can be fixed.

lufcgirl

Fosterdog, I can understand that and why your best friend felt that way. It must have been awful for you to lose such a close friend.

In my case, OH came out to everyone at the same time. Her Mum knew when she was younger however she'd been in a relationship with guys all her adult life until she realised what she actually wanted. Which is why when we met she told everyone pretty much within days, even her sister who she's really close to. I don't think it's a case of her being in the dark, I think maybe she's having a more difficult time than everyone else adjusting to it.

paulineb_2

I think tbh, theres more to worry about than if you like or dislike a member of your OH's family. If you grow to like her in time, fine. If you dont you dont, but try and be discreet about not liking her, because the old saying blood is thicker than water comes to mind.

marisco_2

You never can get on or like every person you come into contact with. How much you allow them to negatively affect you is within your control however. This relationship you are in has been going smoothly for around four months. In that time you say you have only met this cousin a handful of times. That is a positive straight away. As close as she and your OH are they are not living in each others pockets. Nor would it seem that their individual opinions and views has any influence on the other. My advice would be to just stay polite when in her company and don't let any of her odd little quirks irritate you.

maman

In answer to your question lufcgirl, yes there have been people in DH's family that I've found hard (and so did he;)). One example was one of his sisters who acquired this loud, 'estuary' English when the whole family had been brought up speaking BBC in the Home Counties. I found it hard to say in the same room as her as her voice grated so much.

But I don't think that's what you really want to know.

It sounds as if you're insecure about your relationship and want everyone to accept it. Giving details about you putting your stuff in your friend's suitcase sounds very needy to me. I'd guess that this cousin is either protective or just plain curious about a gay relationship. Four months isn't very long. Her family are probably accepting of you as a recent friend but no one has any idea whether it will be a life long friendship or not at this stage.

hgotsparkle

Just remember, you're with your OH, not their family.Thats what I tell myself anyway!

maggy50

hgotsparkle wrote: »

Just remember, you're with your OH, not their family.Thats what I tell myself anyway!

Thats fine but what about their feelings why should they be seen as a threat to this relationship.

It is very damaging ti think this way .

maggy50

hgotsparkle wrote: »

Just remember, you're with your OH, not their family.Thats what I tell myself anyway!

Thats fine but what about their feelings why should they be seen as a threat to this relationship.

It is very damaging toi think this way .

pops5588

Hi OP, I am in a situation that is similar to yours in a couple of ways - except with one of my OH's many brothers.

The only advice I can really offer is that I know it's easy to let this kind of thing get into your head and make you feel a bit rubbish, but it isn't a reflection on you or your relationship. Try not to let it get you down. It isn't personal, as she doesn't really know you after 4 months does she? Often these people have their own issues going on in their mind and you just have to leave them to it. When/if she wants to come to you and make the effort she will.

I'm four years in and still waiting for that day but I have come to accept that it may never happen and it will always feel a bit rubbish but that's life! Can't please 'em all!

ETA: Despite my issues with the way that OH's brother has behaved towards me, I don't actively dislike him, and agree with pauline when she says try to be discreet about it if you can't get past it.

Bazey

Are you sure she's not in to you? Have you tried hitting on her?

I've just given myself wood at work.