OH's lies and refusal to act responsibly with money

Funky_Bold_Ribena

Add up what he needs to pay for his half of the house and food expenses and get him to transfer it to you each payday. Do not let it slip even once. Then leave him to it and don't sub him.

System

I don't know what sort of relationship he's got with the ex but he really needs some sort of proof that he is paying maintenance otherwise she could say he's not being paying it and he has.

He really needs to think things through.

Lieja

Judi wrote: »

I don't know what sort of relationship he's got with the ex but he really needs some sort of proof that he is paying maintenance otherwise she could say he's not being paying it and he has.

He really needs to think things through.

This is a worry as when we first moved in together his ex stopped access and he had to go through the courts, so I wouldn't put it past her. They seem to have an ok relationship again now, although I wouldn't know if he'd paid as I have no relationship at all with his ex.

I think I'm going to sit him down tonight and speak to him about it. I'm going to do the maths today and suggest he just transfer his half to me each week when he gets paid, and then the rest is up to him, including his maintenance payments.

The worst part is that when I know he's told a lie, even a little white one, it really makes me feel very differently towards him. I've told him this before so I doubt anything will change, but it really makes me doubt him. I just wish he'd stop behaving like a child and hiding everything!

C_Mababejive

You love it....

[Deleted User]

I sympathise.

As someone who's been in two long term relationships with very similiar men.., I realise now they just aren't on the same wavelength as you are.

It didn't matter what I said or did.., sooner rather than later we'd be in a hole because of something I hadn't been told about our finances. Neither had any guilt at all, or any conscience when we were in a mess. With my second relationship.., whenever we lived together I'd start off able to pay everything, even a little left over for non essentials but within a few months I'd have problems just buying food let alone paying the rent. Yes, I was told the same thing.., if they'd have been honest with me, they felt I'd go mad (not true at all, it was just an excuse). I'd say well, ok, if you genuinely thought I'd go mad how did you think I'd react when I disovered you'd not only done this but lied about it? How was lying going to improve things., you must have known I'd find out? There was never an answer to this one and the same thing would happen again further down the line. It was almost like I was the 'parent' in the relationship, which I didn't want to be.

Both are now ex's. You tend to think that if you could just find the right words, do the right thing, this problem would all be sorted out. But both of my relationships lasted 10 years and I never did find the right words, or the right thing because it just didn't exist.

It also affected my confidence because neither relationship was fulfilling or supportive for me. And being lied to constantly made me feel worthless.

Now I'm wondering where my life went while i was trying to 'sort' these problems out.., and lately I've been wondering if I'd be in a better place if I'd stayed alone or made different choices about men over 20 years ago. I feel awful when I look at the children (we are facing a christmas when I don't have a spare penny to buy them anything, I'm just about keeping my head above water, I split up with my second child's father three months ago and its been a doozey to recover financially this time.., I'm still working at it).

Don't put yourself through this please. Look at why you are in this kind of a relationship. Are you a 'carer'? Make different choices. I wish I hadm(although I realise that regrets are a bit of a waste of time and I know I have to concentrate on the future as well).

dandelionclock30

What about giving serious thought to moving out and getting your own small flat/ bedsit or something and leaving him to it? Hes perfectly capable of sorting out his own finances but has no respect for you and doesnt give a toss about your feelings.Do you really want to be with a liar who wont pay his way? Your going to end up with low self esteem if you put up with this type of behaviour from him.
Kick him to the curb and let someone elce be a mug for him.

FBaby

I've been there and escaped and looking back, I am so grateful I did when I did as I would inevitably ended up stuck in the spiraling of my ex's debts one way or the other through no fault of mine.

It is really hard to know what to do because ultimately, you want to be with him, but you can't make him responsible with money. The only way is by controlling it 100%, but he has to agree to it, and of course, you have to be prepared to do it. I wasn't as I wanted a partner to share my life with, someone I could trust and depend on, not another child to look after and who might always be hiding things from me. In the end, this is what killed my love for him.

I think all you can do is try to make your partner see what this is going to do to your relationship if he doesn't start taking control of it all. Do you know if this was also an issue with his ex and what contributed to the end of their relationship?

I really feel for you because it is heartbreaking to be the one having to cope with the stress that results from his irresponsibility. I don't know what else to advise

LannieDuck

Of course he can sort out his money, he's just choosing not to. This way he gets the nice things he wants, and you have to deal with all the boring bits (and subsidise his nice things).

Either:

i) Get his money paid into your account each week, and budget a small allowance for both of you. You both get the same, so he can't complain it's not enough. (Perhaps pay his CSA on top.) It has to cover all his 'wants' that month, and once it's gone there is no more.
ii) Continue the way you are, but insist he sells something to replace the £130 he 'mistakenly' withdrew. Not sure how he'd react to this - probably just ignore you.
iii) Consider whether this is truly a relationship of equals that you want to be part of.

Personally, I couldn't live with someone that selfish.