OH's lies and refusal to act responsibly with money

Lieja

Hi all,

I think I just need to vent more than anything, but some practical advice would be good too!

My oh is shocking with money, I've always known this and so have always been responsible for paying the majority of the bills and budgeting. However, things have recently gotten pretty tight and I've had to budget to literally the last pound so we can afford food and petrol to work.

The reason I'm currently furious is that I've just gone to pay our rent (always comes out of his account, and I've always transferred it before anyone accuses me of snooping!) and there's a random withdrawal of £130 out of his account. This means that I need to transfer more money out of my account to cover the rent, which really I need to keep in until direct debits come out later in the month. His excuse is that he meant to withdraw £10 and pressed the wrong button. I might believe him if he didn't have a history of lying about financial stuff - only this morning I discovered a top he'd bought himself this week despite neither of us having money budgeted for 'luxuries' like new clothes.

He said he's still got the cash he 'mistakenly' withdrew, and it was somewhere in the house. He usually keeps cash in a particular drawer so I had a look, and guess what?! No cash at all but a parking ticket he's conveniently forgotten to tell me about!

He always has an excuse for forgetting to tell me about these kinds of things, but to be honest I've got to the point where I don't trust him at all where money is concerned. A good example is child maintenance - he used to pay his ex by bank transfer, but the last few weeks has been withdrawing the cash. Of course it's up to him how he pays, but I really wouldn't be surprised if he hasn't paid her any cash at all. Now part of me thinks that's his business, but firstly I don't suppose he'd get away with that for long before she did something about it, and secondly I'd be very upset if I found out he hasn't been supporting his daughter. Of course this is speculation, but it wouldn't surprise me at all if it turned out to be true. When I ask why he's suddenly paying cash, he says it's because it's 'easier'. Than an online bank transfer?!

Anyway, I'm not sure what advice I'm expecting - we've sat down and I've tried to talk to him about it, but he just goes into denial mode and accuses me of always getting at him.

Btw just to add - I'm not a total ogre with money, and if he really wants to spend on things we haven't budgeted for then as long as we can fit it in somewhere then that's fine. If he gets a parking ticket then it's fine too, everyone makes mistakes. The part I object to is being lied to, or just not told at all. It's really making it hard for me to trust him with money. What can I do?! It's making me feel very resentful that I buy nothing for myself because I have to budget for bills, and then he does and spends on whatever he wants without worrying for a second about the things we have a responsibility to pay!

Excited13

Big hugs I really do feel for you as I was in a similar situation with an ex who used to lie about money. It started about money and then turned into other things however to be honest I'd lost all trust when I'd caught him lying about money.

I don't wish to be horrible but is this the tip of the iceberg? I'm OTT nowadays about trust and honesty and I know if I had a bloke acting like that I'd be straight out the door.

Regardless of my views I think you need to sit him down and discuss this and explain you are budgeting and how hard it is for you and he needs to make an effort.

Good luck

[Deleted User]

If you've tried talking to him about it and don't get anywhere, have you considered a bank account just for him that you transfer an allowance into every month that fits into the budget? If he wants anything he can ask for it in advance, you'll work it into the budget and the money will be in his account once the months starts. Not a fun way to live, but if it's your only choice it seems like a valid option.

krlyr

Could the ex have possibly asked for more money in maintenence, and the switch to cash (and extra withdrawal) be relating to that?

I don't think you're an ogre at all, OH and I have very similar outlooks in terms of money and I think we'd both be upset if the other decided they're more worth of extra 'spending money' than the other (we work it out so we each have the same amount - the spare goes on mortgage overpayments). And lying, whether it's about money or something else, can damage a relationship.

Lieja

Excited13 wrote: »

Big hugs I really do feel for you as I was in a similar situation with an ex who used to lie about money. It started about money and then turned into other things however to be honest I'd lost all trust when I'd caught him lying about money.

I don't wish to be horrible but is this the tip of the iceberg? I'm OTT nowadays about trust and honesty and I know if I had a bloke acting like that I'd be straight out the door.

Regardless of my views I think you need to sit him down and discuss this and explain you are budgeting and how hard it is for you and he needs to make an effort.

Good luck

Thanks, and believe me I've tried discussing it with him. It usually ends with him justifying it by saying its because he knows I'll get at him, and we end up barely speaking. It's especially tough because due to working hours we don't see a lot of each other, and so I don't want to spend the time we do have arguing about money.

As for trusting him with other things - I have no reason whatsoever to doubt his faithfulness or anything else really, and in a lot of ways he's perfect, but you're right that this has started to shake my trust in him over things other than money.

nearlyrich

You shouldn't have to treat an adult like a child giving him pocket money a healthy relationship consists of people who work together for the good of both. In your shoes I would work out the budget and insist the money needed for bills is paid into a joint account on payday and all bills are paid by DD.

Lieja

citricsquid wrote: »

If you've tried talking to him about it and don't get anywhere, have you considered a bank account just for him that you transfer an allowance into every month that fits into the budget? If he wants anything he can ask for it in advance, you'll work it into the budget and the money will be in his account once the months starts. Not a fun way to live, but if it's your only choice it seems like a valid option.

We did do this for a bit, purely by accident as he lost his bank card and didn't bother to replace it for a few months.

He got sick of asking me for money, and I can totally understand that he's a grown man and so shouldn't have to ask for pocket money! It did make budgeting much easier though, I have to say.

Tbh it isn't the fact that he's useless with money that I mind, it's the fact that he lies to me about it. I've accepted his uselessness, but I can't accept the lies!

Lieja

nearlyrich wrote: »

You shouldn't have to treat an adult like a child giving him pocket money a healthy relationship consists of people who work together for the good of both. In your shoes I would work out the budget and insist the money needed for bills is paid into a joint account on payday and all bills are paid by DD.

Joint account is a no-go. His credit record is shocking. I think this could actually be a cause for resentment on his side, although he's never said it. I bought my car, albeit relatively cheaply, on finance because I commute and need something reliable. He also does a lot of driving, but can't get finance and so his car was bought cheaply and as a result spends a lot of time off the road. He often mentions that he wants a decent car, but I couldn't get any more finance myself and he knows he wouldn't stand a chance if he tried.

Sometimes I wonder if the cover-ups are a way of him exerting a bit of control over something he's not very good at controlling?!

meritaten

if you can get him to agree to it, then a separate 'his' account with an agreed amount every month for him to spend as he wishes - as long as he doesn't 'dip' into the household? account sounds the best way.
I feel for you - it must be awful to not trust that the rent money is not there when it should be!

MrsAtobe

I have a current account and a 'bills' account, and OH has a DD set up to transfer his half (plus a bit extra) of the household outgoings into the bills account each month. The rest of the money is his to do what he needs/wants to do with, would that approach work for you?

Lieja

MrsAtobe wrote: »

I have a current account and a 'bills' account, and OH has a DD set up to transfer his half (plus a bit extra) of the household outgoings into the bills account each month. The rest of the money is his to do what he needs/wants to do with, would that approach work for you?

I think this would be a good approach, and I think he would agree as it leaves him in control of 'his' money. Only problem is that he gets paid weekly, and as he tends to work different hours each week it's not a set amount. I also try not to have any DDs set up from his account as he never remembers to keep enough in to cover them and he ends up with charges. This is another of my complaints and the source of regular arguments - I'm supposed to know when money's due out of his account, and I should transfer money in to cover his DDs!

I'll have a think about the seperate account idea and work out if I can work it around pay-days etc.