If you found yourself living on a friends sofa how would you make yourself useful?

Jenny484

He really didn't sound that terrible in your other threat. The only thing that really is annoying is the length of time at your place. He seems to be staying out of your way mainly.

Your expectations are quite high. Especially on the childcare front. If you don't want him around, just tell him to leave. It is not necessary to start two threats with exactly the same topic.

LeeLoo_2

Jenny484 wrote: »

He really didn't sound that terrible in your other threat. The only thing that really is annoying is the length of time at your place. He seems to be staying out of your way mainly.

Your expectations are quite high. Especially on the childcare front. If you don't want him around, just tell him to leave. It is not necessary to start two threats with exactly the same topic.

I am glad you say my expectations are high to you. That is what I wanted to find out and obviously I have discovered that one person's 'reasonable' is not the same as another person's 'reasonable'.

In the other thread I am mainly just having a moan about having someone so long. I am specifically asking in this thread what expectations people would have if they were the person staying with someone else. what should they pay, do etc?

LEJC

LeeLoo wrote: »

In the other thread I am mainly just having a moan about having someone so long. I am specifically asking in this thread what expectations people would have if they were the person staying with someone else. what should they pay, do etc?

In my mind I think you are sending out mixed messages. your first sentance says hes been there too long,and if thats the case take steps to move him on rather than asking what further expectations you should have if he stays longer.

The problem with setting expectations revolving around the daily housekeeping and maintainence of the house/chores is that in doing so you are perphaps inviting him to stay longer by suggesting he becomes involved.

What you should be doing is setting your expectations over when he is required to leave not assigning him chores to do.

A direct and frank talk to him is whats needed regarding leaving your home with follow up on a regular basis until he's gone.

LeeLoo_2

LEJC wrote: »

In my mind I think you are sending out mixed messages. your first sentance says hes been there too long,and if thats the case take steps to move him on rather than asking what further expectations you should have if he stays longer.

Just to clarify. We never gave out rules and are not going to ask now. We have asked him to leave.
It is just a general question. We are not saying to him 'we expect you to help'. I just wanted to know from forum members how they would contribute in a situation where they can't contribute cash.

Katgrit

mucklebones wrote: »

If it was me I would clean up after myself and spend as much time out the way as possible. Especially around those difficult times school, dinner, bedtime.

Yep me too. I'd probably go sit in the shed in the evenings to read a book or listen to the radio, so the family could have some privacy and quiet time to themselves. If they've got a small cramped house it wouldn't be much fun for them having me around every evening. My "stuff" would also be clutter for them, so I'd put my things into storage and just live out of a small bag.

I'd also abide by any "house rules" they set - if they didn't set any, and the house was always messy, and they just slobbed and chilled at weekends I'd enjoy being in that relaxed environment.

However I'd also make sure I cleaned up after myself and washed the dishes. I'd always take my lead from my friends wife - if I noticed the family ate their takeaways in their bedroom so as not to cause offence to me I'd do the same and eat them sitting on a park bench or in the shed. I'd never eat their food, so I wouldn't offer to contribute but if I was a bit hard up and could only afford to eat cereal I'd always buy the milk. I'd also make sure I bought a few staple things like butter, loo roll and bin bags. I'd try to minimize my outgoings as much as possible on order to save so I could at least afford perhaps a room in a shared house at some point in the next few months.

If the family had children I would LOVE to think I might be asked to babysit or walk the child to school or help with homework... but if I was a single bloke in my late thirties wanting to spend time alone with a child I might worry this would be interpreted wrongly.

I would weigh up how long I could stay with them, seeing as I wasn't family. But I'd take my cue from them - for instance if they said they totally understand it can take a good long while, and then gave a time frame of a year from their own personal experience I'd use that as a rule of thumb.

I'd feel very ashamed though, especially if they did things like include me in Sunday lunch and occasional takeaways. If I had a good degree I couldn't use that would really bring me down. I'd feel embarrased and struggling very much inwardly. I would very much feel lost with my situation and getting deeper and deeper into it, but I would need encouragement and support to get myself out. However I'd probably also in a place were I couldn't see that myself. I'd hope if they were unhappy with my being in their home they would let me know rather than whinge behind my back but more than anything I would also hope that my very good friend and his wife would care enough to discuss things with me, and look out for signs I might be suffering with depression.

That's what I'd do in the situation the OP describes.

LeeLoo_2

Thank you so much catgrit. I really appreciate you putting forward that perspective.

Just a couple of points. I would ask what I can do to help and knowing the size of the house and layout would try and move ASAP however your post has shown that some of the things I considered selfish are trying to be helpful. We do do some housework and he will just sit there as I Hoover past. I think he sees housework as women's work but given that he is staying here for free surely he could have seen that as a way of helping. Obviously we care about him but the overwhelming feeling right now is resentment . I am not working in a job that uses my degree because of the market. Why is it ok for me to do a job like that but not him in his mind?

Also I do not see discussing the situation on a forum as going behind his back. It is just an anonymous sounding board

Katgrit

Whilst you might not see it going behind his back he may (in a oblivious bloke sort of way) be bewildered that you're feeling resentful, and this has all come out of the blue. If you've never mentioned rules or your miffed-ness at him staying then from his point of view there's no problem. It's very difficult to see one's own situation from an outsiders point of view, and if he's depressed (which it sounds like) (and is understandable on his situation) then he's probably not realised that either. Living on a friends sofa and eating chow mein in a shed can't be fun for anyone.

Try to hold back your resentment and offer him help or advice, all whilst nudging him firmly towards your door. 10 minutes googling benefits and printing them out for him, or discussing hostel places with him might be worth it. I'm not saying he shouldn't have offered his help, but he sounds just like a typical bloke and might need spoon feeding to get himself out of what's become a hole. Smile through your gritted teeth and you'll genuinely feel better that you supported someone in a bad place, as you wave him off with his kitbag.

Then once he's gone, treat yourself to a chinese and eat it naked in your front room! ;-)