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Real life money moral dilemma
big_mortgage
Posts: 197 Forumite
Short version
Three years ago my sister’s boyfriend got conned out of £200. (yeh he really was that daft! Even though he is intelligent!) Our mum lent my sister £200 to cover this to stop them going overdrawn. To date this has not been paid back, nor has any mention of the money lent.
Mum has asked for it twice earlier this year, but was dismissed with a ‘yeh I’ll do it’. They have been together over ten years, however she does not want to mention it in front of him in case he is unaware she lent them the money and it causes upset between them.
Should I say something?
Continued with ....Long version.... (As I am interested as to whether the additional facts make a difference to the dilemma!)
The money that was conned would clearly have gone on drugs etc.
They have had money problems in the past- hence the need for the loan- as they had student and career development loans and, as far as I am aware (some) credit card debt.
However, I would assume they are doing better now as he has had, over the last year, two inheritances: each being 1/6 of (the sale of) two houses.
They went on holiday last year and went travelling for 5 weeks this year.I think they may have stayed in a hostel for some/most of time. They both work full/full ish time.
Mum lives off a state pension and some low paid part time work. She is not rich.
My sister does not talk to mum much. Mum would like her to and see her more. I also do not either. They do speak on the phone. Although we have not fallen out at all, we spent last xmas there.
Should I:
1a. Contact the boyfriend only. Invite them up and also mention the money even though he might not be aware mum lent it to my sister/them both. I feel he ought to know that she helped them out if he doesn’t already, and he/ they should repay the money. £200 is not an insignificant amount in anyone’s book! Do you really think it would cause tension if he had not have known this?
1b. as 1a and Also ask him to ask her to call mum (more often)?
2: Send an invite to them both to see the new place? (Forget everything else).
3. Other...?
Three years ago my sister’s boyfriend got conned out of £200. (yeh he really was that daft! Even though he is intelligent!) Our mum lent my sister £200 to cover this to stop them going overdrawn. To date this has not been paid back, nor has any mention of the money lent.
Mum has asked for it twice earlier this year, but was dismissed with a ‘yeh I’ll do it’. They have been together over ten years, however she does not want to mention it in front of him in case he is unaware she lent them the money and it causes upset between them.
Should I say something?
Continued with ....Long version.... (As I am interested as to whether the additional facts make a difference to the dilemma!)
The money that was conned would clearly have gone on drugs etc.
They have had money problems in the past- hence the need for the loan- as they had student and career development loans and, as far as I am aware (some) credit card debt.
However, I would assume they are doing better now as he has had, over the last year, two inheritances: each being 1/6 of (the sale of) two houses.
They went on holiday last year and went travelling for 5 weeks this year.I think they may have stayed in a hostel for some/most of time. They both work full/full ish time.
Mum lives off a state pension and some low paid part time work. She is not rich.
My sister does not talk to mum much. Mum would like her to and see her more. I also do not either. They do speak on the phone. Although we have not fallen out at all, we spent last xmas there.
Should I:
1a. Contact the boyfriend only. Invite them up and also mention the money even though he might not be aware mum lent it to my sister/them both. I feel he ought to know that she helped them out if he doesn’t already, and he/ they should repay the money. £200 is not an insignificant amount in anyone’s book! Do you really think it would cause tension if he had not have known this?
1b. as 1a and Also ask him to ask her to call mum (more often)?
2: Send an invite to them both to see the new place? (Forget everything else).
3. Other...?
0
Comments
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Morally, your sister owes your mum the money. However, you asked what you should do.
What does your mum want to happen? Does she want you to get involved?
Assuming your mum doesn't want or need your assistance in reclaiming the £200 I would keep out of it. This is between your mum and your sister - not you.MSE aim: more thanks than posts :j0 -
I'd probably email your brother in law and ask him why he hasn't repaid the money to your poor, pensioner mother. Feign ignorance of him not knowing, in case he does know and he's just as bad as your sister.0
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Same as Treevo above, provided your mum is happy with you going ahead with this on her behalf.0
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I'd ask your Mum if she wants you to have a word with them to try and get the money. If she does, go for it. If she doesn't, just leave it.0
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I see your concern that they don't treat your mum very well but the relationship between your mum, sister and her boyfriend is up to them so I think I would grit my teeth, try to support my mum as best I could, and not interfere unless your mum wants you to.0
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From your post you seem to be mixing together a number of issues.
There are probably a whole host of other issues (possibly going back years) that are coming into play here.
Taking the loan in isolation :
The loan was 3 years ago - why has this come up now ?
What does your mum want to do (most important).
Can your mum afford to write off the loan ?
Who is this an issue for - you, your mum or both of you ?
Why are you involved in this issue now - why have you not been involved for the last 3 years ?
Assuming that your mum is of sound mind (no disrespect) then it is up to her what she does with her money.0 -
unfortunately, as much as they can pay it back, your mum will be lucky to see her £200 again.
We have done the same. Lent £200 to people in need, yes family and as much as I ask for it back never see it.
Good luckThe secret to success is making very small, yet constant changes.:)0 -
From your post you seem to be mixing together a number of issues.
There are probably a whole host of other issues (possibly going back years) that are coming into play here.
Perhaps, but wanted to give background.
Taking the loan in isolation :
The loan was 3 years ago - why has this come up now ?
It annoys me that they can be so fekkin useless and they dont seem to want to think about her position. Mum didnt want to raise it while they had 'money issues' which I feel are long gone.
What does your mum want to do (most important).
Can your mum afford to write off the loan ?
Well she gets by OK, but does worry about the cost of living.
Who is this an issue for - you, your mum or both of you ?
Probably me.
Why are you involved in this issue now - why have you not been involved for the last 3 years ?
See above, I have, but she has had some unexpected bills recently. I have been somewhat sympathetic to the fact they have had money issues until recently.
Assuming that your mum is of sound mind (no disrespect) then it is up to her what she does with her money.
well, true. I am just trying to be helpful.0 -
In families here appears to be some sort of "statute of limitations" about monies owed, and after three years of no conversation about it it's just gone and been forgotten about.
If your mother considers the two hundred quid is still owed then she should be the one to ask for it back. Directly and not through an intermediary. I would advise you to either step back and stay out of it completely or pay the money over to her yourself and get it finished and done with once and for all.
It's a mere two hundred quid for goodness sake, not twenty grand.....0 -
big_mortgage wrote: »well, true. I am just trying to be helpful.
Helpful to who ?
Is this really the case, or do you want to get at your sister for some reason (eg. not visiting your mum) ?
The above are not questions for you to answer on this forum, it is just that I think it is important for you to understand what you perceive the problem to be and the reasons why you see it as a problem.
You can then proceed from there, but at least be honest with yourself with regards to the motivation behind your actions.0
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