Surely Family should support each other?

SlimmingSusan

Hi, Have just posted on the funeral boards about practical advice for a family problem, but think it more appropriate to copy and paste my posts here, as have found I'm pouring my heart out on there, and the advice is not actually just about the original question, if that makes sense?

Does anyone know how a service for burial of ashes in a c of e church is conducted and how long it takes? Is it in church or just in the garden of remembrance?

I ask as have been informed my beautiful dad's ashes are being buried a week today at this time. I hate my family now dad's gone, it is so fragmented and dysfunctional. I am the next of kin after my hateful mother as his only child, but not even sure if I'm invited. Do I have to be or can I just turn up?

I am no party to any of the arrangements, was not at funeral either. Is there any choosing of music etc involved? I keep sobbing every time I pass the church as cannot get the thought of him out there in the cold and dark out of my head, as opposed to at home where he is now. Sobbing as I type this.

Please help, this hateful woman is destroying me, and the bond I had with my beautiful children. She has a good ally in my ex husband. I'm losing the will to live and feel like crawling under a stone- depression descending again. I am just worried that, if I don't go, I will regret it forever, as it seems like a big moment in the process of grief. My mental health is bad enough without adding to it, just not sure can face them.(The Family- comprising, my mother, ex husband- why the heck am I now placing him above me- cos mum does. My son, his partner, my daughter, her partner). My mother and ex have stolen my autonomy and am frantically trying to search for it, or wonder if I ever had it.

Just editing to say that there is such lack of communication in the family, so many elephants in the room, unspeakables, suppositions, inferences, assumptions (now I'm sounding like a psychologist), that I can predict what will happen. I am in a bad place and will isolate myself as cannot cope with them, I will go to pieces, be thrown off uni course (though am getting lots of support), then they will have more ammunition to throw at me re lack of respect, mother will have it in the diary she keeps where she literally notes every breath anybody takes, and at the bottom of it all is me and my dad were best buddies, he was my rock, and I'm not even invited to see where he'll be so I can go sit with him. For goodness sake, my kids were only 19 and 12 when he went from us in the sense of stroke and vascular dementia, and their partners never knew him as the beautiful man he was, just the shell of a person trapped in a body.

Why is this family so bad to me? What have I done to deserve this treatment? My Dad would not have stood for me being treated like this, and he was the one I could turn to.

maman

So sorry to hear you sounding so distressed and couldn't just read and run.

I went to a 'burial of ashes' ceremony recently. This was in an existing grave in the churchyard of an Anglican church. The ashes had been given to the funeral director in advance and they'd prepared the grave beforehand and put the ashes in a wooden casket. A priest was there and said a few simple words and the undertaker actually buried the casket. A few people put some flowers. It was only attended by immediate family members, not a big occasion like a funeral. It probably took about 15 minutes maximum. We actually stayed talking for a while later and then went out for lunch together. Obviously, you could skip any pleasantries given your situation.

marisco_2

I am very sorry for your loss OP. I cant answer your question but didn't want to read and run. You are clearly very distressed and suffering emotionally. It might help you to contact one of these organisations.

http://www.cruse.org.uk/telephone-support

http://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can...speak-us-about

Is there a friend nearby who could be supportive? I don't like to think of you being alone and facing all of this. Take care

Soleil_lune

Didn't wanna read and run either. Yes, I would have thought that you are allowed to just turn up... He is your father FGS.

I am so sorry for your loss, and for your dysfunctional and fragmented family. Once this service is over, distance yourself from your toxic family, and concentrate only on the ones that mean most to you and who care about you. Better to have just 2 or 3 people in your life who love you, than 20 people who treat you like s**t!

I hope you will be OK.

Sorry cannot stay as I have to go, but yes, I suggest you go to the service.

Bless you :A Sending internet hugs (((HUGS)))

whitewing

Can you contact the vicar at the church. You can usually find their contact details on the church noticeboards. You could explain the situation and I am sure it would be kept confidential, but also be handled tactfully within the family.

When_the_going_gets_tough

I'm sorry for your loss and grief and would agree with marisco that it might be helpful for you to seek some support from the organisations she suggests. You could also approach the vicar/minister at the church where the ashes are to be buried - he/she will be able to help you with the practical arrangements and maybe also help you a little with your distress.

arbroath_lass

Sorry for your loss SlimmingSusan. I see you are really struggling with all this. Do you have someone (a professional) who supports you? Someone you cantalk to in real life? I really think you need more help than anyone here can give you. Have you visited your GP since your Dad died?

katsclaws

My sincere condolences on he death of your dad.
There is a section on Talking Point (Dementia Forum) called After dementia- dealing with loss. I am sure if you post there. someone will be able to help.
Is there any special place that you and your dad shared, that you could go to to sit and contemplate. ?

This_Year

So sorry for your loss. I couldn't read and run. Please contact one of the links that Marisco provided, they will be able to help you clarify your thoughts at this horrendous time.

Am thinking of you. xx

SlimmingSusan

I am grateful fo all the responses, cannot answer each individually, but will do, my mind is in a mess today.

I have left a voicemail for vicar to call me- but this is her busy day

Have also contacted undertaker, who is local, knows the family, and very professional.

I asked about the ashes, and, as some are already in the casket, some to be scattered, he suggested that I may be able to have some to keep for myself, a very small amount, and that he will ring my son in order to see how he feels, before tentatively bring it up with my mother. Really shows how everyone has to speak to my 26 yr old son in order to get approval.

His (undertakers) Dad and my parents were at school together so there is family history and it's a family business. Also his mother is the sister of my godmother's husband. Work that out :T

MrSmartprice

We buried the ashes of both of my parents earlier this year. The funeral director had had the ashes in store for a long time and we finally decided to take a plot in the local cemetery. The procedure can be as simple as you wish.

We arranged for the funeral director to place the ashes in a 12"x10" box, which is the prescribed size. We also had a stone made of the same size. Then we collected the box and took it to the cemetery office a few days in advance.

On the appointed day we arrived at the plot where the hole had already been dug. The cemetery officer turned up with the box and placed it in the hole. (He did ask us if we wanted to do this.) The man from the masons then filled in the hole and placed the stone and arranged the turf. We placed some flowers on the stone and that was it. The two of us, and those two chaps, that was it. All over in 15 minutes or so.

It was simple and appropriate, in a nice location. No religious trumpery or faux sympathy. We agreed it was far more satisfying than either funeral. Go for whatever you want to do.