Burial of Ashes

SlimmingSusan

Does anyone know how a service for burial of ashes in a c of e church is conducted and how long it takes? Is it in church or just in the garden of remembrance?

I ask as have been informed my beautiful dad's ashes are being buried a week today at this time. I hate my family now dad's gone, it is so fragmented and dysfunctional. I am the next of kin after my hateful mother as his only child, but not even sure if I'm invited. Do I have to be or can I just turn up?

I am no party to any of the arrangements, was not at funeral either. Is there any choosing of music etc involved? I keep sobbing every time I pass the church as cannot get the thought of him out there in the cold and dark out of my head, as opposed to at home where he is now. Sobbing as I type this.

Please help, this hateful woman is destroying me, and the bond I had with my beautiful children. She has a good ally in my ex husband.

madbadrob

Funerals are public events and no one can be stopped from going however it would be discourteous to turn up if not invited. Burial of ashes will not have any service as a rule but depends on what the family have asked for. My local council will bury ashes in a previously bought grave for free and they do invite you to attend but they do not provide a service thats an extra. Do you know who the funeral directors were?

If this was me, being very much one for a good fight would turn up but each to their own

Rob

taurusgb

I can't answer your questions slimmingsusan but I would like to offer you a hug and my best wishes, the death of someone close is hellish and a dysfunctional family a terrible burden. Please take care of yourself

SlimmingSusan

Thanks you both for helpful replies.

I hadn't thought of the undertaker, he will speak to me, as mother 'allowed' me to speak to them about the funeral, when it suited her.

Also thought of calling the vicar, as she is lovely.

I'm losing the will to live and feel like crawling under a stone- depression descending again. I am just worried that, if I don't go, I will regret it forever, as it seems like a big moment in the process of grief. My mental health is bad enough without adding to it, just not sure can face them.(The Family- comprising, my mother, ex husband- why the heck am I now placing him above me- cos mum does. My son, his partner, my daughter, her partner). My mother and ex have stolen my autonomy and am frantically trying to search for it, or wonder if I ever had it.

Just editing to say that there is such lack of communication in the family, so many elephants in the room, unspeakables, suppositions, inferences, assumptions (now I'm sounding like a psychologist), that I can predict what will happen. I am in a bad place and will isolate myself as cannot cope with them, I will go to pieces, be thrown off uni course (though am getting lots of support), then they will have more ammunition to throw at me re lack of respect, mother will have it in the diary she keeps where she literally notes every breath anybody takes, and at the bottom of it all is me and my dad were best buddies, he was my rock, and I'm not even invited to see where he'll be so I can go sit with him. For goodness sake, my kids were only 19 and 12 when he went from us in the sense of stroke and vascular dementia, and their partners never knew him as the beautiful man he was, just the shell of a person trapped in a body.

Why is this family so bad to me? What have I done to deserve this treatment? My Dad would not have stood for me being treated like this, and he was the one I could turn to.

Fishingtime

The service is usually very short with someone saying a few words. I have only ever been to ones that were conducted outside
While you can attend the service the other people may cause a scene.

SlimmingSusan

Thanks fishingtime, have just edited post above and cried, think that explains more that, whilst I would turn up, I won't without being invited. If this were my children talking, I'd be fussing around, making sure they were emotionally ok, etc. etc. as a MOTHER does.

Am going to copy and past my posts and ask for help on the family and relationships board, as I realise I'm talking about the wrong things in the wrong place. :-)

madbadrob

Susan,

Another option is to go after the actual internment and have a private service for yourself. I know its not the same but the peace you will feel is just as good. From my own history I had a still birth daughter some 6 months after my Ex and I split. She didnt want me at the funeral for fear of the problems it may cause with her family. I spent a week in tears deciding what was best for my other children my ex the family and myself. At the end of the day I decided that it was best to not go. At the time of the funeral I made peace with myself over my decision. 2 days later I travelled the 250 miles to her resting place and spent 4 hours at her grave side, talking to her thinking about her and what she may well have grown into etc. When I left I came away with a peace in my heart I had never known before. I knew at that moment I had made the right decision. I returned the favour a few weeks later when I had erected the headstone that stands there now which is to some extent what my ex wanted but not exactly. To be fair to them not one have complained even though I know from talking to my eldest daughter some 10 years later they are still miffed I paid for it and got what I wanted for my daughter

lavalamp

My MIL's ashes were buried in a C of E church. The vicar said some words as we stood around the grave - it took about 10-15 minutes. There were no hymns, but family are welcome to say a few words.

nom_de_plume

Recently we added a relative's ashes to a family grave. The was a very short 'service' in the church (not much more than a prayer) and then a few words after the ashes were buried. Very casual and informal but equally nice and touching. Only 3 very close relatives attended.

bongonaut

Nom de Plume sums it up nicely in the previous post. Usually, it's just a few short prayers and a reading at the graveside, or occasionally preceded by a small, short gathering in the church. The ceremony tends to be just for close family.

I would urge you to give the funeral directors a call. They should be able to let you know when the burial is taking place. Speak to the vicar as well. It seems that you like and trust her; if you really can't attend the family burial for whatever reason, she might be able to meet you afterwards to have a few personal prayers instead and give you the opportunity to at least have a little involvement.