Dealing with Police

SlimmingSusan

To cut a very long story short....

My Dad was disabled and had dementia.

My mother told me he was going into respite care.

He had been admitted full time,

We visited often.

He was admittted to a&E despite gp visits twice in the week, my phonecalls to home manager when they said he was really well, with pressure sores down to his bones, not to be resuscitated.

The hospital called the police, who opened a gross neglect case.

Dad passed away in may as an indirect cause, he was sat up and smiling before the event I mentioned, he never recovered.

I am an only child, have had massive problems with my mother.

She favours my son (26) over me, and lets him deal with things.

He is doing nothing about this.

I am not able to speak on my dad's behalf, yet I have an incompetent 80 yr old mother and a son who is not doing anything. I am in counselling. I asked my mother point blank today to give permission to speak to authorities about my dad.

The conversation was this 'mum, why do you let my son speak about my dad and not me?' 'He was not just yours but mine also, my dad' She responded with 'I will let you have a say when I am ready'.

I do not seem to have any say in the horror of my dads care please help

McKneff

Im sorry you lost your dad but what do you hope to achieve after all this.

The care home being prosecuted or what.

Lola888

Your OP doesn't really outline what advice you are after. The police will speak to family it doesn't have to be your mum or son. You are direct family so they may not be able to tell you loads if there is an investigation ongoing, but they can speak to you and give you an update.

SlimmingSusan

Of course I expect the care home to be prosecuted

The police (cid) will not speak to me, they keeep sayin g they will only speak to my mother or my son, despite us all visiting my father

ValHaller

SlimmingSusan wrote: »

Of course I expect the care home to be prosecuted

The police (cid) will not speak to me, they keeep sayin g they will only speak to my mother or my son, despite us all visiting my father

If you are asking for information, they may not be able to give any. If you want to make a statement, then they should speak to you.

By the way, please go back and edit your first post to remove your son's name.

Mojisola

SlimmingSusan wrote: »

The police (cid) will not speak to me, they keeep sayin g they will only speak to my mother or my son, despite us all visiting my father

Have you asked why the police will deal with a grandchild but not a daughter?

SlimmingSusan

have not asked that, no? Should I? Surely my statement should be taken into account. This has exacerbated my mental health problems. ie depression

Am losing sleep and having nightmares about this.

My mother is a control freak. After speaking to a solicitor who knows the family today, I asked her ooutright for her permission to speak about my father, saying that she had upset me and that she did not 'own' my father, he was mine as well, as he was my dad. She went ballistic, saying she would give me input when she feels the time is right.

I am 49 next week! She also excluded me from any funeral arrangements, letting my son choose songs, not me, even though I had suggestions.

SlimmingSusan

it hadn't occured to me that, if they were taking this case seriously, they would have taken statements.

The inspector is ringing me in the morning.

He better had as he has been telling even my local PCSO that he willl not speak to me, only my son and mother.

My mother has lost a daughter, but I will fight for my father to the day I die. Never realised what a nutter she is until now. Breakdown hill later.

Itsgottabedone

So sorry that you're going through this at a time when family should be helping each other to deal with their loss. Do you have a non-family friend who would help you with your interactions with the police/solicitor? I'm thinking along the lines of you starting your own action against the so-called care home. Presumably if there is an action already proceeding you would be told?

Regrettably, even if the prosecution does go ahead and the home is sanctioned in some way, your father has still died. Nothing you can do will change that, which is very sad.

joerugby

SlimmingSusan wrote: »

have not asked that, no? Should I? Surely my statement should be taken into account. This has exacerbated my mental health problems. ie depression

Am losing sleep and having nightmares about this.

My mother is a control freak. After speaking to a solicitor who knows the family today, I asked her ooutright for her permission to speak about my father, saying that she had upset me and that she did not 'own' my father, he was mine as well, as he was my dad. She went ballistic, saying she would give me input when she feels the time is right.

I am 49 next week! She also excluded me from any funeral arrangements, letting my son choose songs, not me, even though I had suggestions.

Susan you really need to get some help in dealing with this, and not on an internet forum. Do you have anyone you can turn to? Doctor? Social worker? Bereavement counsellor?

Dimey

I'm sorry to hear of your sad story Slimming Susan. Your poor Dad.

I went through similar after my Mother was abused for 6 months in hospital and my complaints and cries for help were ignored. Then my sister took over the funeral and will and squeezed me out with some nasty home truth's about how terrible I am. So I took a step back and don't see her family any more.

I did actually complain to the Health Authority about the hospital but they covered up and it was just a 2 year frustrating, demoralising waste of time.

I mention my experience to tailor your expectations. By all means fight for your rights and to get justice for your dear Dad but be wary that you might not get justice. Old folks life seems cheap in hospitals and care homes. Cruelly unfair I know.

It's hard knowing your Dad suffered before he died. You'll cry over that for ever. But when you do, then force in good memories of happier times. Your Dad wouldn't want you to be sad for too long. He'd want you to cherish his memory and be happy.

I can't understand why Police would deal with a Grandson and not a Daughter. Maybe you need to make a visit to the Police Station and calmly ask what's going on. After your Mother (if she was married to your Father) you and any siblings are next of kin. Perhaps your son is being proactive about this and your Mother is happy to go along with him for an easy life?

A long shot - Did your Father leave a will? If you are by any chance named as Executor of his will, then that might give you extra "right to information and to be heard" in the eyes of the Police.