Trying too hard and getting in a muddle

Counting_Pennies_2

I get so frustrated with myself sometimes.

I am naturally a very introverted person, and have also had several depressive moments in my life, and just getting over a 6 year pit of postnatal depression.

I find I become over jolly to compensate, which is exhausting, but the only way I know how to not be low. My default is low and draining to others, I want to be around others and have friendships, so the effort to deal with the children, be light and friendly around others is a lot for me to keep going.

I get myself in enormous holes along the way.

I just don't know how to be level, I am sitting here cringing at a situation I got myself in today at being over jolly, and I think I just make a situation worse for myself. However without my efforts to be upbeat I find I am stuck on my own and lonely.

I would love to be one of those people who effortlessly have friends around them, but after effort of meeting people I find I go into a pit of depression every few years and it is never long enough to form a long term friendship so find myself starting over again every few years with new friendships.

Does anyone else get in this spiral and how do you find a level where you are not up and down all the time.

Gigglepig

Like you say in your title, perhaps you are trying too hard? Why do you feel you "need" more long term friendships?

If you feel stuck on your own and lonely, perhaps it might help to focus on doing some things that you enjoy; take up hobbies, volunteering, look after a pet...

If you focus on being happy in yourself and self-sufficient, it may be easier to establish those friendships when you no longer "need" them as much.

Counting_Pennies_2

With my postnatal depression I lost contact with many, and I feel the need to have some friends around me.

I guess I have never found a way to be happy with myself, but that is a whole therapy couch in itself.

I have aims to sew and to get a dog, but I never seem to have the time, I am lurching from one life scenario to another. Our family unit has had quite a few projects these last 3 years and just holding together a family has been achievable.

I just don't see when I will find time for me in amongst all the chaos of life.

I guess that is my task!

MrsRogers

Friendships can't be forced or rushed. You need to take a step back and slow down.

Find a something you enjoy then join a group / club you will then have a ready made topic of conversation to start a friendship foundation.

MrsRogers

Maybe an evening class? Craft group?

Taking time out for you will build your confidence and give you a focus.

geoffky

Be yourself...If others can not handle that well too bad for them but trying too hard must be exhausting for you.....Chill out...

smartpicture

geoffky wrote: »

Be yourself...If others can not handle that well too bad for them but trying too hard must be exhausting for you.....Chill out...

I've never understood this 'Be yourself' lark. The truth is, if most people adopted this maxim, they would spend too much time talking about themself and their problems and behaving rather selfishly. Most people understand that friendship requires some effort from both sides to be polite, share the conversation, respect the other's needs and feelings, make it mostly fun and relaxed and give and take in equal measures. It's a credit to the OP that she understands the effect her bouts of depression can have on other people, especially people she hasn't known that long.

dancingfairy

It is easy to surround yourself with 'friends', however these might not be the type of friends you really want. For instance I could easily have hundreds of 'friends' on fb or go out in a large group for a example to a nightclub but these type of 'friends' would invariably want to go out and socialise all the time.
My point is that true friends are normally formed with common interests and overtime. A few very good friends is infinitely better than hundreds of associates.
Rather than trying to change everything all at once, maybe focus on one thing? Something craft based or dog based sounds like it may be good for you so find a group and commit to going regularly, maybe you could go and volunteers at an animal sanctuary and walk the dogs? Getting involved with dog walking would also help in terms of exercise, as excersise can often help with depression.
You might also find it helpful to go to your gp and see if you can get some counselling as well.
df

missflowers

Counting_Pennies wrote: »

I would love to be one of those people who effortlessly have friends around them, but after effort of meeting people I find I go into a pit of depression every few years and it is never long enough to form a long term friendship so find myself starting over again every few years with new friendships.

Does anyone else get in this spiral and how do you find a level where you are not up and down all the time.

I can relate to this exact thing. I find it can be an absolute mountain to sometimes pick up the phone just for a chat. And then suffer huge anxiety afterwards about what I said. Never really seems worth it and then as you fall into a depression.

marisco_2

smartpicture wrote: »

I've never understood this 'Be yourself' lark. The truth is, if most people adopted this maxim, they would spend too much time talking about themself and their problems and behaving rather selfishly.

I disagree. Being yourself is about not putting on airs, graces or a false image around others. Just approaching them in a natural way, being genuine and letting them get to know the real you. That doesn't mean that you don't respect that every relationship requires effort, respect and consideration.

thehappybutterfly

Counting Pennies - are you me?!

I have a similar problem but when I'm well, I don't worry so much about things. When I'm not well...... paranoia and self hatred don't begin to cover it. I get myself into a cycle of making friends then pulling away from them after a few months before "I overstay my welcome".

Are you on any medication for your depression? If not, it might be very difficult, if not impossible, to pull yourself out this negative spiral.

And don't worry about being too jolly. I know you're embarrassed about a situation where you think you made a fool of yourself but I bet you the other person/people? haven't given it a second thought! Or if they have, it's in the "oh, she's hilarious!" vein.

Poor you - it's a horrible situation to be in but it will get better. But you might need some medical support to kick start it.