Dad won't accept fiance

tigershoes99

Does no one else in your family notice your fathers behaviour or pull him up about it?

meritaten

I think its very telling that you say Dad doesn't accept your daughters disability as it is 'hidden'. yet from what you say your fianc!s disability isn't. Does the problem lie there?

jellyhead

I remember back when I was at uni there was a disabled boy on my course and his girlfriend's parents were very much against their relationship. The reasons were that his disability would shorten his life so she'd be alone later in life and that his working life would be shorter, after which he'd rely on her for care.

They were also convinced that if they had children the disability could be passed on, although this wasn't true, but some older people don't really understand genetics.

Could your fiance's disability be passed on, and have you discussed having children? I wonder if your dad is fearing the kind of life you'll have as carer to a husband and possibly disabled children.

Mind you if that's the case then it's a shame he doesn't want to be there to help you as much as possible rather than cutting himself off.

If this is a possibility, could you talk to him about your future plans and what your fiance's later life will be like? Maybe your dad is imagining things that won't actually happen.

Your fiance sounds lovely, by the way, congratulations

ALIBOBSY

I think the other posters have covered possible reasons except for one I did think of.

You mentioned Mum is ill? Do you think your Dad somewhere in his mind was thinking if anything happened to your mum (god forbid), that he would be able to move in with you and the kids?

Whatever happens, be happy and enjoy your wedding.

Good luck
Ali x

marisco_2

Saveitandsee wrote: »

Ames, I think you might have a point. Fiance is mildly but visibly disabled and this did cross my mind before. He has a physical disability but there is nothing wrong with his intelligence, he has a very high IQ and is educated to degree level. I asked the direct question and got the response that Dad had no problem with that but I'm not convinced. I even went to great lengths to explain how the disability rather than holding him back in life has motivated him to do the amazing things he had done.

I would hope very much that your fianc!s disability is not the reason behind your dads approach to him. How awful would it be to effectively write someone off, and refuse to communicate with them when they become engaged to your daughter, simply because they have a mild disability. If your dad had valid concerns and was worried for you, he would be best to discuss them with you and have any fears alleviated, rather than carry on as he is. Surely your dad knows you well enough to respect that you will both have talked everything through, and be planning a life together with your eyes wide open about how things will be and progress.

sassyblue

Saveitandsee wrote: »

He won't accept that there is anything wrong with her (she has an 'unseen' disability but has been diagnosed since 2010 and has the input of 3 separate departments)

Alarm bells for me, l think it's to do with fiances disability. That's not to say your father is a horrible prejudiced person but rather one who is perhaps uneducated and can't deal with disability of any sort?

MrsRogers

You mentioned a violent relationship before do you think your dad could worry that May happen again. Could be your welfare that he is concerned about however with no rational basis to assume this mad would do the same.

Was your dad the one you turned to when things were bad before?

Maybe he feels rejected?

GenericUsername

Parents will always worry about their kids no matter what age they are, but ultimately this is your life. You have found a man who loves you and who you love. If your Dad is unwilling to explain to you his fears (or indeed if he is just being ridiculous) then you owe it to yourself to do what makes you happy first and foremost.

I have a similar issue in that my Mother does not particularly like my partner. They have very different personalities and views on life and it becomes apparent when we are in the same company that all is not tension free. I have never been able to get to the bottom of why other than to work out that from a few things my Mum has said, she considers me a different person than the son she knew before OH. She puts all the issues I have in life (debt etc) firmly at the feet of my OH which is not the case. I also live far away from where I grew up and maybe my Mum sees this as something that would be different if I wasn't with OH. Having said that before OH, I was 10 years younger, had no kids (one of which is a stepson so maybe another fear for my mother that I got involved someone who came with 'baggage' so to speak) and probably had a completely different world view. In those ten years I have met partner, had a son, and really had some serious LBM's in terms of money, family, my values, beliefs etc.

I guess what I'm saying is it is terrible being stuck in the middle of two people who cannot get on. In the end you have to do what is rigt for you but in doing so you will always make someone unhappy. There's nothing you can do about that. You can't spend all your time trying to please others. So just be true to what you want and realise that if your Dad loves you (and I've no doubt he does) he will want what is best for you and not what he thinks is best for you. It might just take him some time to see how wonderful your fiance is. Maybe he never will, but the choice of who you share your life with is yours.

One quick question, could it be that you are a different person now in your 30's than you were when younger and inadvertantly your Dad thinks this is down to your partner? Maybe he feels like you are more distant or sharing opinions and ideas that are alien to the little girl he knew.

My OH makes me stronger with her thoughts, ideas and capacity for creative expression. Being with her has had a lasting effect on who I am, and I guess I am less recognisable to my parents now than when I was their 'little boy'. (I'm 35 btw).