Struggling house husband with school aged children

Counting_Pennies_2

I wonder if anyone has similar experience and has some words of advice.

A good friend has children of primary school age. Her DH is a house husband and she works.

He is struggling and in turn they are all having a hard time.

He is not particularly driven and is not the keenest person to work, hoping instead work will fall at his feet. So instead he spends much of the day when the children are at school either at home chilling out, or at the golfing range.

She works a full day then comes home sees to their homework, cooks supper and gets them to bed and he pops out to meet friends at the pub. When she does ask him to please do more he gets upset that she is nagging.

It is taking a huge strain on their life. He seems very unmotivated. They don't have enough money for her to keep giving him an allowance, after the bills have gone they have so little money left. But he still wants money to spend. She used to give an allowance but she ended up with nothing for herself and going overdrawn so she said it had to stop, and now things have come to a head.

He seems to have got to a situation that he can't cope with life like this any more. He appears to be very depressed.

Does anyone know of anything that has worked in someones life who has had a similar situation?

Many thanks

Brackley

Hello.
I'm in a full time career (teaching) while my partner is the stay at home parent. I go to work, come home cook, clean and want to spend time with our son as I've not seen him all day... It's hard going!
Our son isn't at school yet so our situation is slightly different in that respect, my partner has a very active 2 1/2 year old to entertain and care for in the day so is also exhausted on an evening.
We've had our struggles in this traditional role reversal situation, even though my partner has never really been bothered that I earn more then him, society and friends of his have tended to make comments.
We've worked hard at "talking things through" a lot!
We got a joint bank account so he could have access to the "family" earnings and also see when there's nothing left in the pot. We also agreed that I could leave him lists of things that needed to be done in the day/week- he said himself that he didn't do things because he didn't think anything needed doing! So a list for him ( with explanation if necessary) was great- he can do most households jobs now as well as the grocery shop- something he loves having control over! As my partner is also a trained teacher we also sought out some child related work activities that he could do when I was at home - he works Saturday mornings now with a kids sports club- doesn't earn much but earns something!
For my partner it's been about adjusting and still feeling like he's contributing, not just through child care but also through housework and money.
I know that if I was a stay at home mum, I'd hate to be given an "allowance" by my working husband!
Just some thoughts hope it helps
:-)

Counting_Pennies_2

Brackley wrote: »

I know that if I was a stay at home mum, I'd hate to be given an "allowance" by my working husband!
Just some thoughts hope it helps
:-)

Thanks your reply is very helpful. I will let her know about the lists of things to be done, that might be what is needed.

Sadly the allowance was required as he continued to spend like he was still earning. But that meant she didn't have any money. But he would always take them into overdraft if he spent the joint money

Tigsteroonie

I, too, am a full-time worker whose OH is full-time house husband. Our son is now 4 and started school this September, he is deaf & autistic so has been a 'handful' Like Brackley, I miss having time with our son. I am fortunate to have a very short commute to work, so I do "breakfast" (i.e. getting our son up, dressed & fed) and "bed" (milk, bath, bedtime routine). I don't have to cook, that's one of the things that Marley will do to ease the family workload, amongst others.

OP, it really does sound as though your friend's husband may be either be taking her for a ride, or suffering from depression. Do you know if he's expressed such feelings himself? Does he actually enjoy being a full-time parent, was it something planned & discussed, did he realise that it would go on for this long? Male pride can be a delicate thing, perhaps he doesn't actually want to be the house husband any more.

Brackley

I think best advice is to sit down and talk things through- this situation if it goes on will only get worse and people will become more & more unhappy.
If talking is difficult maybe try writing a letter? They need to find out how each other are feeling, if the househusband is happy doing his role, if not what could THEY do to try to make things better .......
:-)

Spendless

I very much found I could be fed up when at home. You were never motivated enough to do the housework today because you could do it tomorrow instead and repeat. I gained qualifications at college during my time at home, did some voluntary work and then found employment via an agency. Any of these ideas any use?

pukkamum

I think the trouble here is that a lot of women still feel or are made to feel the majority of household jobs still come down to them regardless of the work dynamic.
Some men take full advantage of this either consciously or unconsciously.
It is up to women to make it clear to these men and to themselves that this is unacceptable.
Waiting for these men to suddenly have an epiphany and start doing their fair share is futile.
Speak up!
Oh and as I said to my friend in an almost identicle position who claimed she could do it better, it's easier this way.
Grow a pair, stop being a perfectionist, trust him and stop being a martyr.
P.s this goes both ways men or women doing it all.

Kynthia

How do you know he spends the days doing little? It can be difficult to know how much he's really doing as the jobs never end and maybe he's just not doing them the way your friend would which is fine. Maybe he's demoralised as she's never happy with how much he's done and how he's done it? Has he always been bad with money, if not then maybe he should take control of the finances? It would give him responsibility rather than just receiving an 'allowance' and would mean he was aware of the financial situation.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Counting_Pennies wrote: »

I wonder if anyone has similar experience and has some words of advice.

A good friend has children of primary school age. Her DH is a house husband and she works.

He is struggling and in turn they are all having a hard time.

He is not particularly driven and is not the keenest person to work, hoping instead work will fall at his feet. So instead he spends much of the day when the children are at school either at home chilling out, or at the golfing range.

She works a full day then comes home sees to their homework, cooks supper and gets them to bed and he pops out to meet friends at the pub. When she does ask him to please do more he gets upset that she is nagging.

It is taking a huge strain on their life. He seems very unmotivated. They don't have enough money for her to keep giving him an allowance, after the bills have gone they have so little money left. But he still wants money to spend. She used to give an allowance but she ended up with nothing for herself and going overdrawn so she said it had to stop, and now things have come to a head.

He seems to have got to a situation that he can't cope with life like this any more. He appears to be very depressed.

Does anyone know of anything that has worked in someones life who has had a similar situation?

Many thanks

Yep.




I left him.

Mrs_pbradley936

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Yep.




I left him.

Jo I do love you for your wit!

shop-to-drop

I'd certainly cancel the golf membership. Doesn't sound like they can afford it and it is a distraction from him looking for work. I know it can be good for networking but doesn't seem to be the case here.

He needs to devise a plan for himself for getting back to work and how to achieve. Then start organising his time round this plan. Tricky she needs to be encouraging as much as she can I guess.