Why do people allow themselves to always be a victim?

missty25

Why is it that some people always allow themselves to be a victim of circumstance I mean not as in a victim of being hurt or anything like that?

They ask for advice, moan constantly about all the problems in their life, without stopping to bother about other people's problems. When suggestions are made they come up with excuse after excuse as to why numerous options are not suitable, when you tell them they will just have to get on with things if they aren't willing to help themselves they take offence. And they bring those around them down but can't see it and when it's pointed out to them they still can't see it.

I bet everyone knows someone like this, that can't seem to see the positive in anything or they are not willing to help themselves. But if you point out that they are like this they would deny it until the end of their days.

How can you help someone when they aren't willing to help themselves. Always a victim as long as they let themselves be a victim, I guess....

BugglyB

I do know people like this yes. I think its people who are terrified by the idea of having any agency in their own life?

Personally I find people like this exhausting. The best way is to stay at arms length. If you have to listen to them moaning just nod vacantly and say 'mmmm that must be hard for you' (they won't notice).

Tiddlywinks

Buy them this book:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/S-U-M-O-shut-Up-Move-Brilliant/dp/0857081292/ref=tmm_pap_title_0?ie=UTF8&qid=1379950646&sr=1-1

Seriously, it is great.

mwa

Oh yes known a few of these over the years, the worst by far is my aunty who is the most miserable, depressing woman you could ever meet. Whenever you enquire 'how are you?' she lets out a high long sigh and you just know you're in for a monologue of the latest doom and gloom. A very sad way to live a life!

mountainofdebt

I know someone like this and to be honest I've lost all patience with her - in fact I think she must secretly like having a life full of dramas as then she becomes the centre of conversation

I however find life dramas draining both emotional and physically and enjoy having a boring life

Gigglepig

I think people some times have hidden agendas, or in other words, their real problem is not the problem they are describing to you.

Example -
" poor neighbour has to move house and downsize, poor her, how will she manange, it is so hard finding somewhere to rent and she has a bad back and can't possibly pack up all those boxes"
could mean
"my neighbour is selling her house and I am scared of feeling lonely, suspicious of new people and worried the new people moving in will be bad neighbours."
If that is the case, it won't help to offer to go around and give their neighbour a hand, because it isn't the real concern

Silly example but you see what I mean. Some times perhaps there is an emotional need rather than a practical problem at can be rationally solved. Some people aren't even that aware of their own feelings and/or not very good at articulating them.

nzmegs

This is known in Cognitive theory as "the game" or something similar. The key is not to indulge them in their favourite pastime. they ask for help and then set about tearing down every possible option offered to them

The reason is that what they are actually asking for is sympathy. All they actually want is for you to agree and say "oh how terrible for you - that must be awful". then offer them more cake or something.

they have no desire to fix their situation because it suits them. they get sympathy, attention and nice things because of it.

Don't play the game. if they moan, change the subject. don't offer advice and never reward them with sympathy or anything else for their moaning.

Perhaps you could say "Well, what are you going to do?". When they say "There is nothing I can do" - say "oh, well never mind...next subject...".

building_with_lego

That's interesting nzmegs, as I was just thinking about mwa's aunty, described above ^^.
Instead of asking, "how are you?" and getting the long moany story of woe you could just stride in with, "you look wonderful!" and throw her off course

paulineb_2

missty25 wrote: »

Why is it that some people always allow themselves to be a victim of circumstance I mean not as in a victim of being hurt or anything like that?

They ask for advice, moan constantly about all the problems in their life, without stopping to bother about other people's problems. When suggestions are made they come up with excuse after excuse as to why numerous options are not suitable, when you tell them they will just have to get on with things if they aren't willing to help themselves they take offence. And they bring those around them down but can't see it and when it's pointed out to them they still can't see it.

I bet everyone knows someone like this, that can't seem to see the positive in anything or they are not willing to help themselves. But if you point out that they are like this they would deny it until the end of their days.

How can you help someone when they aren't willing to help themselves. Always a victim as long as they let themselves be a victim, I guess....

Or maybe people are suffering from depression and cant see a way forward. Ive been so low in my life due to external factors that I actually couldnt see the wood for the trees and had to work a way to making my life better

Some people arent victims, some people have gone through a lot in life and get beaten. I wasnt, but I know people who are intelligent, articulate and for example have been in destructive relationships and taken a long time to get out of them

Always easier on the outside looking in. What I will say, if you cant be around people who constantly drag you down, fine. I didnt do that to people, I opted out of socialising until I felt better

But theres a saying, be kind, because some people are facing a hard battle and its true. I didnt tell people around me a tenth of what was going on in my life, maybe thats the case for some of these "victims".

Counting_Pennies_2

I agree with the post above.

It would be fantastic if we were all cheery and saw a glass half full.

Often though, when someone is low/depressed, they see everything is going wrong, the glass is half empty.

Often through the spiral of depression things don't just feel wrong, they do go wrong, and they go steadily into a pit.

Well done to all who stick with these friends and help them through the bad times, and arrange to meet up and do fun things with them. Listen to the bad and cheer up with some good.

If they are a friend it is nice to feel a true friend will help them out.

I view everyone else as a fair weather friend. Someone who can only be bothered with them when they are having a good day.

ilovelondontown

There is HUGE difference between being a moany so-and-so and actually being depressed, which I believe to be a chemical imbalance in the brain. (something for another post)

I think the OP is referring to those sort of people who are always woe-is-me. For example when you ask them how was their holiday they list 10 reasons why it was !!!! or if you ask them how things are in their new job/relationship/what was their weekend like, and they tell you a whole story about how bad things are for them to the point you wish you'd never asked.

These type of people act this way because they believe that negativity gets you more attention and more sympathy, and they probably don't even realise they are doing it because they have done it for so long, if you want to get psychological about it (and I do because that's my field of study!) then you could say it stems back from being an underachiever at school or only getting attention from parent's when you were naughty or ill.

I've got a few friends like this and I total rip the p!ss (in jest) when I'm with them and proceed to tell them how much I love life and how happy things are in my world, and by the end of our bottle of wine and catch up I've usually managed to get them to talk in a more positive frame of mind.

That's my take on it anyway.