Explaining suicide to a child?

whitewing

Do other people know? You may need to think about a scenario where he hears or overhears from a conversation before you decide to tell him.

amyloofoo

Just to give a different perspective:

My father committed suicide when I was 3 and I was told very young, in fact I don't remember a time when I thought any differently. This wasn't explained to me out of necessity - he and my mother weren't together at the time and my only contact with his family was with his father and sister. He had married someone else shortly after breaking up with my mother and they had a daughter of their own who is a year younger than me.

Obviously no-one went into a detailed description of what had happened with me at such a young age - but they explained that my father had been poorly and that this had made him very sad, and that he died but it was no-one's fault. They explained that not everyone who is sad dies or becomes poorly and that doctors can help - but that unfortunately my father didn't see a doctor. A couple of years after my father's death, the son of my godmother also committed suicide, and I feel that already having an understanding of what led him to make this decision was helpful both for myself and for my grieving family.

I didn't really feel the need to ask any further questions until being a young teenager, when I discovered that he'd been suffering with bipolar disorder (a condition I share ) and had become very depressed following the death of his mum and issues in his personal life. It was always emphasised to me that it was in no way my fault or the fault of my mother and that suicide is not an inevitable outcome of depression, bipolar disorder or any other mental health condition. I've been allowed space and time to express every conceivable emotion about my father's death, from anger and frustration to sadness and assumed indifference.

I can understand the PPs who say that young children shouldn't be exposed to issues like suicide, or that it could influence behaviour in teenage years; but my experience has been the opposite. I experience periods of extreme low mood and sometimes one of the things that has pulled me back from the brink has been the thought of how this would hurt others - my own experience of growing up knowing about my father's suicide made me acutely aware that this isn't just a decision that has implications for the individual, but for their family, friends, community and the people who discover the body and notify the family.

SAVE are a great organisation if you're looking for some more tips, but whatever decision you make, you know your LOs best.

polkadot

whitewing wrote: »

Do other people know? You may need to think about a scenario where he hears or overhears from a conversation before you decide to tell him.

We are unlucky (or lucky?) That we dont have any other family aside from my brother who we see regularly. The rest of our families are in SA and we only get to skype, which is always a family thing so no nothing like it would come up.

amyloofoo wrote: »

Just to give a different perspective:

My father committed suicide when I was 3 and I was told very young, in fact I don't remember a time when I thought any differently. This wasn't explained to me out of necessity - he and my mother weren't together at the time and my only contact with his family was with his father and sister. He had married someone else shortly after breaking up with my mother and they had a daughter of their own who is a year younger than me.

Obviously no-one went into a detailed description of what had happened with me at such a young age - but they explained that my father had been poorly and that this had made him very sad, and that he died but it was no-one's fault. They explained that not everyone who is sad dies or becomes poorly and that doctors can help - but that unfortunately my father didn't see a doctor. A couple of years after my father's death, the son of my godmother also committed suicide, and I feel that already having an understanding of what led him to make this decision was helpful both for myself and for my grieving family.

I didn't really feel the need to ask any further questions until being a young teenager, when I discovered that he'd been suffering with bipolar disorder (a condition I share ) and had become very depressed following the death of his mum and issues in his personal life. It was always emphasised to me that it was in no way my fault or the fault of my mother and that suicide is not an inevitable outcome of depression, bipolar disorder or any other mental health condition. I've been allowed space and time to express every conceivable emotion about my father's death, from anger and frustration to sadness and assumed indifference.

I can understand the PPs who say that young children shouldn't be exposed to issues like suicide, or that it could influence behaviour in teenage years; but my experience has been the opposite. I experience periods of extreme low mood and sometimes one of the things that has pulled me back from the brink has been the thought of how this would hurt others - my own experience of growing up knowing about my father's suicide made me acutely aware that this isn't just a decision that has implications for the individual, but for their family, friends, community and the people who discover the body and notify the family.

SAVE are a great organisation if you're looking for some more tips, but whatever decision you make, you know your LOs best.

What you say resonates so strongly with me. In every way, DS1 is more of a miracle than I ever thought he was. My father never acknowledged my depression. I think he knew that if he did that, he would have to acknowledge that my mother must have too-and I dont think he was strong enough to bear the guilt. I recall calling him from work one day, looking for comfort. I said I could understand how if mum felt this way that she could do it, his response was "if you want to be that pathetic, shall I bring you my gun?".

When DS1 was born, suddenly I was so grateful that I had never "had the guts to do it", but then my depression became anxiety and I was a wreck all the time in case I did do something that would end up killing me.At the same time I felt incredibly angry at my mother, if she felt about me, the way I felt about this brand new baby-then how could she do that?

When DH "came to get me", as we call it. He spent a month with DS and I arranging passports, and setting up support for us for the months that lay ahead. I had to work my notice at my job and DS was rather poorly early days so needed to be kept out of childcare settings for a month before the doctors were happy that he would be strong enough to travel.

Before DH left, he took me to his mums house with DS for dinner and then he left. He had gone to my father and told him that his parents would support me until we flew and that my dad should only come around if he was willing to be as supportive as his parents were. He said he had spoken to my doctors there and some doctors here, and that he would arrange for me to get the help that my mum and I never got.

It took us a number of years to get me a diagnosis, it was especially hard as we had no access to my mothers records. But I did, I started medication when DS was 3 and we've had 2 others since him. My dad had since told us that he was immensely grateful that DH had it in him to "take him on" like he did. The last time we saw him when he came here for a visit, he acknowledged my condition without any twinkle toes and told us how proud he is of the way we are raising our children