Explaining suicide to a child?

polkadot

I come from a pretty dysfunctional family. My parents divorced when I was 10 due to a string of affairs my dad had (his current wife started as an affair) My brother was older than I was and tried to protect me from as much as he could,but my mum never got over it and was very depressed. I have myself been diagnosed with cyclothymia and looking back, I can remember my own symptoms noticeable in her.

She was regularly suicidal and after my brother left the family home, it became "my turn" to deal with the mess that was left after a suicide attempt. I always had warning as she would come to me and say that "now everything I love is gone, I have no reason to live". I would generally get on the phone to police or the ambulance service and just wait. She was ultimately "successful", and committed suicide in '99.

I was 19 at the time and out with friends when she phoned me. She told me she hated me, never wanted to see me again and that I should not come home. She had called my dad (who lived at 40 miles away) and told him to expect me around 2am as it was already late and I would still need to drive to him.

I did as I was told, and went to my dad. The next day I went round to a friend and while I was there, my dad called to say I should stay there and not go in to college. He arrived about an hour later-I only needed to look at his face and know that she had. Again, my brother protected me and all I knew was that she had shot herself, and he had had to identify her:(

It was obviously hard for my brother and he and I became estranged after this. I did not speak to him for 10 years. We knew each others news as my dad would pass it on, but that was it. The day before DS1's second birthday, I got a call from my brother, who wanted to meet his nephew. We now talk regularly and he's always there for the kids (he doesnt have any) but we have never even mentioned my mum to each other and I doubt we ever will.

DS1 is 7 now, and I have DS2 and DD. DS1 is starting to notice violence around him (movie trailers, games reviews on tv). We have done our best and he understands that what happens on tv is not what happens in real life.

In all of his questions, he wanted to know the difference between getting shot in the hand and getting shot in the head. Incidentally, in one fight over an affair before the divorce, some sort of struggle with a gun occurred, it went off and my dad lost a finger (we lived in South Africa at the time and both of my parents served in the Rhodesian police force when they were younger-to explain how they had access to a gun)

I had to leave the room as I found myself wanting to blurt this information out and clearly that was not appropriate. He knows that the person he calls Nana is my stepmother (I suppose having friends who's parents are remarried make this easier for him to understand) and he knows that his Nanny died many years before he was born. He asked DH last night why I dont like guns (my brother now does skeet shooting at a range near to us and often wants to pop in-but I dont allow it unless he's taken his gun home first-DS1 must have noticed this) DH explained to him that what happened to Nanny was to do with a gun, and I would explain it to him when I was ready to talk about it.

I knew there would be a time I would need to explain this, but I didnt think it would be this soon and this hard. I can talk to others about it because it has just become "one of those things". But thinking of telling him, I heard so many other questions
Aside from explaining the concept of suicide:

-He knows I am ill, so would he reconcile this with my mum and worry I would do the same (aside from that Im absolutely terrified of dying)
-What about "why was she so ill she did that?"
-How do I explain how I felt about it, when the truth is I was relieved it was all over?
-What about my brother? Surely I should warn him that I've had this conversation in case DS says something to him. Especially as I dont have the details, although I plan to do my best to steer him away from that.

And then I guess I'll have to do it twice more with the other children. Ive always considered my brother a bit stuck up for not wanting kids, but last night I suddenly imagined him walking out of the mortuary and thinking "how the (Dickens) do I explain this to my children?"

Has anyone else been in this situation who might be able to help me to prepare the answers I might need to have ready please? And possibly even if it's too soon for him, when to know the time is right?

whitewing

I am sorry for everything that you and your family have gone through.

Why don't you speak to a children's charity like Winston's Wish http://www.winstonswish.org.uk/mainsection.asp?section=000100010004&pagetitle=About+Us

I have no direct experience of them but have heard from various sources that they are very good.

They may be able to point you in the right direction for getting help if they can't help you themselves.

Morganarla

I'm sorry for all the struggles you have had as a family.

Personally, I feel that your son at seven years old is FAR too young to be dealing with how to understand a suicide.

I think this should be left until he is older.

marisco_2

You may get dozens of different answers to your question OP. None of them will be wrong and of course you should just take from this advice what you feel applies best. Personally I would not even consider venturing into trying to explain suicide to a 7 year old child. My approach to this would just be to say that nanny was ill and she died and leave it at that. If your son wants specifics relating to her death leave that conversation till he is an adult and can fully comprehend what happened. As with regards to why you dislike guns just explain that in the wrong hands they can cause terrible harm.

polkadot

I wish I had access to something like Winstons Wish when I was younger. Funny, I always thought I was so mature and grown at the time, now Im able to look back I was still a teen myself.

I said to DH last night that Im not ready to tell him because I think he is too young,so what is considered old enough? We are a very open family and Im not sure I could leave it till they are adult without them being resentful for keeping it from them.

DH comes from what I consider to be a model family and his mum is more of a mum to me than my mum or stepmother were, and she has been since we started dating in our 20's, but even she is struggling with this.

DS1 in particular has a lot on his plate as he is not DH's biological son. DH and I were on and off for a number of years and in a bid to try to get over him, I started dating this other man. As soon as he found out I was pregnant, he left. DH heard about it from mutual friends and when DS was a few months old, DH found me and proposed to me. DS' "dad" makes little effort, we get a barrage of amazon orders around his birthday and christmas and then a flurry of phone calls to "ensure he got all his presents" and then nothing for months. DS understands this and for the last 3 of these occasions DS, has taken the gifts to the local hospital and refused to speak to his "dad".

keep_flyin

My sister took her own life many years ago (I was 15 at the time) and I have explained to my children what happened, but they are older. As others have said there is no right or wrong answer, but if you feel you need to explain to your children why you don't like guns you could just say that you've had bad experience involving them, mentioning your Dad's finger as that is a visable thing and tangiable to a young child. When they are old enough to understand they will understand why you didn't tell them when they were younger.

Mojisola

polkadot wrote: »

I
I said to DH last night that Im not ready to tell him because I think he is too young,so what is considered old enough? We are a very open family and Im not sure I could leave it till they are adult without them being resentful for keeping it from them.

I wouldn't leave it until they are adult.

If an opportunity presents itself - suicide in the news or on a TV programme - when you feel they are old enough, you could open up at that point.

Remember that they are one step removed from what happened and won't have the same reaction as you have. Be prepared for them to react to their own way - they may "not be bothered" at the time but need to talk about in more depth later on.

hlw1810

My mum's parents both committed suicide the year before I was born. I grew up believing they were killed in a car accident.
It wasn't until I was 19 and started asking more questions that my Dad finally told me what really happened.
I never felt any resentment about being shielded from the horrible truth, and I'm actually glad they protected my siblings and I from it.

I think I would have found it disturbing and difficult to understand as a child.

polkadot

Thank you for all the opinions.
HLW do you mind if I ask how your Dad came to the decision to tell you then? If they had decided to tell you that your Grandparents were in an accident, then you must have showed signs of wanting to know? Im wondering how they steered you away from the subject (or how it came up in the first place.

Also, were you and your siblings told together, or did you learn of it at different times depending on your age?

hlw1810

polkadot wrote: »

Thank you for all the opinions.
HLW do you mind if I ask how your Dad came to the decision to tell you then? If they had decided to tell you that your Grandparents were in an accident, then you must have showed signs of wanting to know? Im wondering how they steered you away from the subject (or how it came up in the first place.

Also, were you and your siblings told together, or did you learn of it at different times depending on your age?

I don't remember specifics of being told it was a car accident as I just grew up knowing that. I guess I asked where mum's parents were as a small child.

I was told first probably because I'm the nosiest and most persistent and I wanted details so I'd been trying to look up microfiche of newspapers of the time in the library. Dad told me because my Mum couldn't face it. I was always interested in family history and was curious having never met any relatives of my Mum (still haven't).

I'm glad I didn't know as a teenager, as I was a typical dramatic teenage girl and quite miserable from about 14-18 and I think I would have romanticised the idea of suicide and found it very difficult to cope with the knowledge at that age....

polkadot

Thank you:)