Feeling bullied by ex

Jones01

My ex and I have a 4yr old daughter, we broke up 2 years ago and since then he has had regular access with her. Last xmas things got a little out of hand because I wanted to change the days she was with him - because I also work full time I ended up only seeing her 4 evenings a week and every other Saturday, while he got to see her every other Saturday, and all day every Sunday and Monday (he doesn't work Mondays) all overnight visits. He hauled me before a judge in a magistrates court saying that I was trying to stop him seeing her - all I asked was that she was with me for 1 full wkend a month, but still with him on a Monday night for that week if he wanted to. The judge saw in my favour and created a rota of access (while also calling my ex a bully - and I'm glad that came over in court)

Little by little since then the ex has been changing dates, saying he can't take her some weekends but then demanding he see her on other dates to make up for the fact that he hadn't seen her when he was meant to. So far I've been very flexible, because I know she enjoys seeing her father and I want them to have a good relationship. But recently he's been asking for more and more nights - today he's given me a list of 4 extra days he want's to see her over the next 3 weeks, all mid-week.

I agreed to 2 of the dates requested but felt that 4 was a little excessive, but he got very angry and accused me of trying to stop her spending time with her father - this is not why I said no at all. I believe a routine is very important for her, and wish we could stick to the original rota the judge ordered. It's exhausting dealing with his changing demands constantly, and half of me wants to tell him that we're sticking to the court order and no more - at least then he'll know to not even bother asking to change dates or ask for more. He makes me feel so guilty any time I say no, he's very good with emotional blackmail! I know a lot of people will think I should be greatfull that he wants to spend time with her, and I am - but I feel bullied into a corner every time he wants his way, he get's so angry when I refuse. He even had his mother send letters to my parents once when I refused to see things 'his way'.

He's now also changed the maintenance amount he's been paying for her, he tells me that his salary has changed but refuses to let me know how much he earns. He says that he's spoken with the CSA and they have told him how much he's supposed to pay for her - but I don't know if this is true or not. I have asked him again and again to see his payslips but he ignores my pleas every time. I know I could go through the CSA but worried that this will take too much time and what if he stops paying all together until they sort it out? I can't afford for that to happen unfortunatly, we've barely been surviving financially over the past few months and I'm afraid this new payment will cause major problems.

I'm just feeling so down at the moment, and I know this situation will arise again and again until he has his way

CherylOB

Hey,

I really do understand where you are coming from with this. My DD is 10 years old and I still have problems with my ex.

We do not have a 'set' arrangement. Unfortunately, I was just grateful that he wanted to see her, I've kind of let him get away with just picking and choosing, then on the occasions when I say no, all hell breaks loose. This still happens now. You should put you foot down from now and say that you are only willing to stick to the arrangement the judge put in place (although you also can't expect him to ever be flexible with you either). He chose to take you to court, it is his doing that this arrangement exists.

As for money, I would start a claim with the CSA. My ex used to use money against me all the time. 'If I can see her then you're not getting your money', etc. If he cooperates with the CSA it will not take too long to set up and any payments will be backdated. I understand this doesn't help in the mean time, but having a set payment that doesn't involve any interaction between you and your ex is only a good thing.

I know that we all want what's best for our children and in an ideal world, we would be able to be civil and courteous with our exes regarding our children. Sometimes this isn't possible though and we just have to do what is necessary and protect ourselves. Don't allow yourself to be bullied any longer.. sending lots of hugs xx

RAS

Hi

There are several components to this:

And if he is having her to stay over night that many times, then he will be dramatically reducing his liability for CSa anyway.

How many nights per fortnight is he supposed to have her (when she stays overnight)

How many nights has she actually been staying overnight per fortnight (average over the last two months)?

GreenQueen

Presumably if your DD is 4, she is now at school. You and your ex have a responsibility make sure that changes to her routine do not impact negatively on her schooling.

Does your ex live close enough, and work appropriate hours to be able to take her to school if she stays over on a weekday night? Depending on the day, he will need to read with her, send her with PE kit the next day, etc.
Make sure that the school knows your situation, so they can take it into consideration if necessary.

If you consider each decision and do the best for your DD , your ex will find it difficult to argue if you end up in court again. I can be difficult to take the high moral ground, and not lower yourself to his level, but it will stand you in good stead in the future.

Good luck
GQ

Jones01

By the courts rota she should be staying with him 5 nights per fortnight, in the past 8 weeks she's actually stayed with him for 24 nights so 6 per fornight on average. I know that even though he's the one that's asked to see her on the extra dates, he will use that against me when it comes to maintenance payments with the CSA

Keeping her in a routine is very important for me, especially now that she's started school, but he seems to take it very personally and says that seeing him will not upset her in any way.

He lives very close so it's not a problem with him taking her to school etc

sassyblue

Won't the courts rota need changing now she's at school?

I think him having your daughter Friday and Saturday night one weekend and just Saturday night the following weekend is fair enough. That way you both get to spend a potential full day with her, provided he drops her off at 11am on the Sunday. Maybe he could take her to school sometimes in the week too?

It's hard to see when you've been taken advantage of until you step back a bit and assess the situation, it's happened to me recently it creeps up on you so don't feel guilty or upset. Just plan the way forward now....

LannieDuck

I would tell him that you're not prepared to argue with him. As such, you're just going to stick to the court's schedule from now on.

And contact the CSA.

Jones01

Thank you so much for the words of support today, they were much needed and have given me the push I needed to realise that I shouldn't feel bad for standing my ground

Thank you guys

19lottie82

The court schedule was made for a reason. Tell him you're sticking to it and that's that.

Rottensocks

Hmm, this is a tricky one because of the finances: you need the maintenance, but he wants to see his kid....I would hazard a guess he is working his way up to having her 50% of the time, and then paying *no* maintenance....... And this might well be right and proper for your daughter......

*Can* you manage if tehre was no maintenance? I would be cautious about CSA right now. xx

19lottie82

Rottensocks wrote: »

Hmm, this is a tricky one because of the finances: you need the maintenance, but he wants to see his kid....I would hazard a guess he is working his way up to having her 50% of the time, and then paying *no* maintenance....... And this might well be right and proper for your daughter......

*Can* you manage if tehre was no maintenance? I would be cautious about CSA right now. xx

if he had her 50% of the time it wouldn't mean no maintenance. It would be at a reduced rate but he'd still be pating .