Partner has been gambling away savings :(

sharpy2010

Treevo wrote: »

I wouldn't be screaming and shouting if I were you - I'd be in a cold fury and he'd be gone until he'd dealt with his issue.

Then you obviously know nothing about gambling addiction and with the best will in the world, I would suggest that you don't comment further on this thread as your input so far suggests you will give the OP bad advice.

To the OP: If he feels that he can talk to you without you screaming and shouting (which is what you seem to have done so far - kudos to you) then that is what he will do. If he feels he will get shouted at, he won't talk, and he'll go off and gamble again.

Its a shame he's lost £4000, but it really really isn't the end of the world. He's realised BEFORE he's absolute spunked his nuts and caused real problems, and he appears to be taking control and attempting to rectify his mistake.

You having control of the cash and doleing it out, for now, will definitely help. He may feel like a baby, big deal, he deserves it, if he knows whats good for him (and by the sounds of it he does) he'll accept it.

It could be the case he had a flutter, wanted to get his cash back, lost again, really wanted to get his cash back, lost again, and on the cycle goes - the gambing is no fun any more but he may have felt he had no other option.

Now it is out in the open, he can talk about it, and he can stop.

If he does it again after all this, you'll need to be having a different conversation with him.

I hope that helps and I wish you luck.

Treevo

sharpy2010 wrote: »

Then you obviously know nothing about gambling addiction and with the best will in the world, I would suggest that you don't comment further on this thread as your input so far suggests you will give the OP bad advice.

I know enough about this 'addiction' to know that if my OH would rather put it before our kids that he'd be gone until he'd sorted himself out.

That is what I would do - this is a forum, it's not your way and only your way. I am offering advice, as are you so stop trying to derail the thread.

OP - whatever you decide, good luck to you. I hope your OH learns to put his family above his own selfish impulses.

sharpy2010

Treevo wrote: »

That is what I would do - this is a forum, it's not your way and only your way. I am offering advice, as are you so stop trying to derail the thread.

Fair enough, your advice is valued and I apologise for my comment earlier. I don't believe its the best advice in the world but lets agree to disagree as you are right, everyones point is valid

Lets concentrate on giving the OP advice so she knows her options.

LMac

Thank you both.

I prefer the loving approach ( at least for now!) as hard as it is.

While its no excuse really, he has had a lot of stress recently which I think hasn't helped ( parents relationship rocky, moving 100 miles from home, a redundancy), He needs reassurance and love and maybe a few nudges at a more productive stress relief path.

Perhaps what's annoying him most ( other than lost money) is that I could turn round and say "I told you so" because of the worry I expressed even a year ago about the slippery slope to addiction. I'm even against the lottery. He knows it was wrong, so I don't need to say it. ( as much as I want to!)

I have however, given my love of planning, calculated his life energy cost ( your money or your life by joe dominguez and vicki robin) and shiwn how many hours he needs to work to earn £4k. It may make him feel rubbish, but its intended purpose is more a reminder of how much hard work it takes to earn it in first place ( it was refundancy money though so I guess it appeared to be "free" initially). I've used this method for helping me stay off cigarettes and it helped me a lot.

Ill call the helpline when I get back home today. I know he won't want to seek counselling but I do and I want to be prepared to support and guide him if he feels like slipping.

LMac

And thanks everyone - this has been a useful outlet.

Perhaps I can persuade him to come into MSE for some tips on earning the money back faster.

Guest101

Remember 4k isnt a huge amount these days, at best a decent car for a few years, its a fraction of a deposit. AND he saved that money initially from somewhere, so he must be quite aware.

Gambling is an addiction, or it can be i should say, and having a lightbulb moment is perfect.

One idea, which me and my partner practice is to gamble together. Neither of us is addicted (though would sya im more experienced) but if i want to put a bet on of more than £5, I will ask her: a: her opinion and b: if she wants to go halves. She always does, and recently her results have been better than mine!

But we are both aware of whats being spent.

Jenny484

I work in online gambling. You can ring up most sites and ban yourself. I would think that is a lot more effective than blocking the sites on your computer as he can use a proxy/play on a different computer or play on his phone.

I am very sorry to hear about your situation. Hope he sorts himself out.

LMac

Thanks.

Most if the money was redundancy money so it wasn't really earnt normally! I think that probably made it easier for it to slip away.

I know that £4k isn't that much in the grand scheme of things but unless he does overtime etc, its 2 years of saving all our spare money, if I stay home with the baby as planned... And we don't install the sky package with movies and sports that he really wants.

tea_lover

Just wanted to say that a friend of mine did something very similar and since his LBM he's never looked back. He somehow managed to get a loan in his parents' names (no idea how) for £4k and blew the lot on gambling sites, along with a lot of his own money.

However, he came to his senses (helped no doubt by his partner being pg) and has really turned himself around since then. He did try gamblers anonymous but I think he only went a couple of times. He has though continued to be open with his OH and his parents.

Their baby is here now, they're all very happy and I've got every confidence he won't be gambling anymore.

I realise it's not practical advice Lmac but just wanted you to know that people can put this sort of thing behind them. Best of luck with everything.

LMac

Thank you tea lover. It's v reassuring to read that