toxic in laws

lizzie157

I'd like some opinions on this as I'm very upset about it all and don't know if it's me and if I should just take a step back.

It's along story but I'll keep it as brief as possible.
H's mum and dad are no longer together but both are v. similar personalities : selfish, self -centred and feel everything should revolve around them.

H's mum clearly felt I had stolen her son and wasn't prepared to put up with it. She constantly criticized me to other family members, told me she felt sorry for my children because there were too many of them, encouraged H to try and get me to abort our 4th child. The last 2 comments were said in front of the children. I met her to try and smooth things over but although she made all the right noises nothing changed. She deliberately bought for everyone one xmas and left me out, admitted to H it was deliberate. This caused a row and we have had no contact since. Again she never sent a card or anything to any of her grandchildren.

One of my children (now grown up) contacted her a while ago and one of the first things she did was to start calling me, but was told by them that they hadn't come to listen to that. She was given a number to keep in touch but never bothered to use it.


Despite all this my son wanted to invite her to his wedding ( he didn't in the end) but H's mum sent a card which has now fuelled his interest in contacting her again.

It has upset me because I can't understand why anyone would want anything to do with someone who previously hasn't bothered with them for over 10 yrs and even when given a means of contact didn't use it. I am also worried that she is going to try and cause trouble. I haven't missed her family and don't want her in my life at all. The above is just a little of the things she did but it's too long to go into. A big factor in my feelings is the way she never once tried to get in touch with her grandchildren. If it had been me I would have at the very least sent cards so they knew I still thought of them. Am I right to feel hurt that my son wishes to let her back in and doesn't understand my trepidation or should I step back and let him get on with it?

Lotus-eater

I would explain to him basically what has gone on and then let him get on with it.

Mojisola

lizzie157 wrote: »

One of my children (now grown up) contacted her a while ago and one of the first things she did was to start calling me, but was told by them that they hadn't come to listen to that. She was given a number to keep in touch but never bothered to use it.

Am I right to feel hurt that my son wishes to let her back in and doesn't understand my trepidation or should I step back and let him get on with it?

It sounds as if you have raised very sensible children. They are willing to have a relationship with their grandmother but only if she behaves like a normal adult. They aren't going to accept her badmouthing you.

I don't know whether it's "right" to feel hurt but I can understand why you would feel that way. If it helps, don't think of it as a competition between you and her - your children would like both of you in their lives and that is their choice to make. If she continues to behave as she has always done, it doesn't sound as if they will put up with her for long.

LannieDuck

How old's your son now?

If he's old enough to have an adult conversation, I would sit down with him and H and explain (very vaguely - don't go into much detail) why you haven't had contact for 10 years. Stick to basic facts and try not to let emotions get too involved.

I think you should emphasise that you'll support his choice, but he should be prepared to possibly be rejected. Ultimately (if he's old enough), it's his choice. I would support him if he wants to try and initiate some sort of relationship, but be prepared to offer sympathy if he gets hurt.

whitewing

I don't think you are wrong to feel hurt.

Your son may well grow to have a very different relationship to his granny, and if he is mature enough to ignore her nastiness/selfishness then and make arrangements himself then perhaps leave him to it. Your son's desire to know his roots may be very important to him in ways he perhaps doesn't fully understand.

It may or may not smooth a path to a better relationship for you all. I wouldn't be making too much effort if I were you. I find my son's granny a lot easier to deal with after a long passage of time and now that he is older. If he hadn't remained in contact with her then she would have forever been toxic to me; now I see her more as someone with strong views who restricts her life and her family's life, but equally as someone who does care about her own family (not me) and who will at least support us on some important matters regarding our son where my side of the family don't.

arbroath_lass

lizzie157 wrote: »

Am I right to feel hurt that my son wishes to let her back in and doesn't understand my trepidation or should I step back and let him get on with it?

I can understand why you would feel hurt but your son is not intentionally hurting you. I think it is fairly normal to want to know where we've come from and to want a relationship with our family.

You need to let him get on with it and be there for him. He will, eventually, see what she is really like.

Vicky123

I would just make sure everyone knows that you are not involved in this, you have no desire to resume any relationship on the basis she chose this 10yr estrangement. Your son must make his own choice as he's an adult and he can see whoever he wants, good or bad.
It's possible as she's getting older she wants to re-write history, more for her own peace of mind than any sudden interest in your son.

fabforty

My own personal view is 'good for him'.

Your son is an adult and TBH, whatever happened between you and your in laws in the past, are between you two and not your children. You say that things were said in front of the children and if relations were as bad as you describe, your children must be aware of what sort of people their grandparents are. Despite this, one son (possibly others will follow) wants to have a relationship with them. I think that you need to step back and let him get on with it. If it works out great, but if it doesn't, he needs to discover that for himself. Imagine if you and your DIL didn't get on and as a result, your relationship with your grandchildren was affected, not just while they were young but when they were grown up as well.

It reminds me of OH's family - half of them don't speak because of things that various family members said or did to other family members many moons ago.

ETA - She wasn't invited to the wedding but sent a card anyway, perhaps that was her way of making those first steps. If she genuinely didn't give a !!!!, she wouldn't have bothered.

lizzie157

LannieDuck wrote: »

How old's your son now?

If he's old enough to have an adult conversation, I would sit down with him and H and explain (very vaguely - don't go into much detail) why you haven't had contact for 10 years. Stick to basic facts and try not to let emotions get too involved.

I think you should emphasise that you'll support his choice, but he should be prepared to possibly be rejected. Ultimately (if he's old enough), it's his choice. I would support him if he wants to try and initiate some sort of relationship, but be prepared to offer sympathy if he gets hurt.

He's 25, and this is what I was leaning towards doing. I'm just not sure I can do it without getting upset (which I don't want to do), I'd just like him to have the facts but tbh I'm not sure I can offer the support atm I'm struggling.

Vicky123 wrote: »

I would just make sure everyone knows that you are not involved in this, you have no desire to resume any relationship on the basis she chose this 10yr estrangement. Your son must make his own choice as he's an adult and he can see whoever he wants, good or bad.
It's possible as she's getting older she wants to re-write history, more for her own peace of mind than any sudden interest in your son.

Nothing was ever her fault. The last time he tried to form a relationship wth her she told him she should have been allowed to see him. She was never told she couldn't see the grandchildren but surely if you value your relationship with the grandchildren you don't deliberately do something you know is going to cause a row.

fabforty wrote: »

My own personal view is 'good for him'.

Your son is an adult and TBH, whatever happened between you and your in laws in the past, are between you two and not your children. You say that things were said in front of the children and if relations were as bad as you describe, your children must be aware of what sort of people their grandparents are. Despite this, one son (possibly others will follow) wants to have a relationship with them. I think that you need to step back and let him get on with it. If it works out great, but if it doesn't, he needs to discover that for himself. Imagine if you and your DIL didn't get on and as a result, your relationship with your grandchildren was affected, not just while they were young but when they were grown up as well.

It reminds me of OH's family - half of them don't speak because of things that various family members said or did to other family members many moons ago.

ETA - She wasn't invited to the wedding but sent a card anyway, perhaps that was her way of making those first steps. If she genuinely didn't give a !!!!, she wouldn't have bothered.

I've asked him if he remembers the things she used to say and he says he can't. Believe me I tried to get along with her she had no intentions of ever doing so. There was no thought for anyone else n anything she said and did. I would never treat anyone the way she treated me -there ARE times when DIL does or says things I don't agree with but I keep my mouth shut and would never ignore her or try to make her feel like the outsider as I was. I have made the effort to make her feel part of our family, to build a relationship with her, something H's mum never did. As for the card I'm baffled! why now? If she was genuinely bothered why not when my son made the effort 5 yrs ago and offered her the olive branch?

If i geuinely thought she had changed i would forget the past but i know from other family members she hasn't - she will try to drive a wedge between us and she is so manipulative i'm worried she'll suceed.

pollypenny

She sounds vile, OP.

Your son will soon find her out, so let him get on with it.

If she is nice to him, maybe she has learned that she risks being a lonely old woman .

marmitepotato

fabforty wrote: »

My own personal view is 'good for him'.

Your son is an adult and TBH, whatever happened between you and your in laws in the past, are between you two and not your children. You say that things were said in front of the children and if relations were as bad as you describe, your children must be aware of what sort of people their grandparents are. Despite this, one son (possibly others will follow) wants to have a relationship with them. I think that you need to step back and let him get on with it. If it works out great, but if it doesn't, he needs to discover that for himself. Imagine if you and your DIL didn't get on and as a result, your relationship with your grandchildren was affected, not just while they were young but when they were grown up as well.

It reminds me of OH's family - half of them don't speak because of things that various family members said or did to other family members many moons ago.

ETA - She wasn't invited to the wedding but sent a card anyway, perhaps that was her way of making those first steps. If she genuinely didn't give a !!!!, she wouldn't have bothered.

Sound advice here.