Son Lying about Finances - Gambling Problem?

mountainofdebt

Please don't shout at me I really don't know what to for the best nd could do with some 3rd parties opinions

Junior is about to enter his 2nd year at Uni and back in July got himself a job (after months of nagging and half heart trying) and earns about £500 per month - on top of that he only has a decent grant / loan - we don't give him money as such but will take him shopping perhaps once a fortnight and pays for his phone - so in effect he only pays for his rent (which is really low for student accomodation), food and socialising.

Anyway for a while I've had the feeling that something wasn't quite right (call it mother's/been there got the tshirt intution)but all questions about whether he was ok for money was meant with a response that made me think everything wasn't.

And I know I shouldn't have done it but I opened one of his bank statements and I've been worried ever since and since I opened the one today I've been in tears......
basically he's up to his £1400 od limit and I would say 90% of the transactions are to online gambling sites.

The individual amounts aren't huge but the daily totals are eyewatering for someone in his position (ie student) and the fact that he's supposed to be saving to go to Australia next year (a subject of another thread if you recall,lol)

At the moment his dad is away and I thought it was an ideal time for me to talk to him rational but he assured me that he had only used £400 of his od limit (haven't told him I know differently)

What also upset me previously is that he has £12K saved - and I know he has lied to me about the amount he revinvested last March

so how do you deal with someone who is basically p!ssing money up a wall gambling and lying to you when you try and help them??

Dunroamin

Has he still got he £12K or has that gone as well?

pogofish

It does look like gambling rather than anything else (eg girls or drugs) and I'm afraid to say that it is one of the most insidious of problems for anyone to deal with. He's only going to face it when he hits the wall hard and actually wants deal with it for himself.

Until then, anything you say/do is very likely going to fall on deaf ears or at very best, only result in a temporary rest from any developing problem.

Strong, non-judgmental support for him as a person is one thing that will help a lot but one thing you must not do is to ease or facilitate his gambling - No "loans", bail-outs, settling his debts nor staking him for that "last big win". The sooner he faces up to his responsibilities and the harsh reality of his situation, the sooner he is likely to see it for what it is and want to get himself out of it or learn how to control his gambling - and even then, relapses are not uncommon.

Have you any idea if he is a solitary gambler or if it is part of the "culture" amongst his friends at uni? Again, this can have significant effects on how he/you need to approach the situation.

scaredy_cat

there isn't much you can do really until they want help and admit they have a problem. Gambling is an addiction and it's not something that a gambler can just stop.

You can call Gamcare - http://www.gamcare.org.uk/

0808 8020 133 - freephone number.

They will talk to you and they can offer you and your son free counselling if you want.

j.e.j.

This is always the trouble when you go 'looking around' for things. (I don't want to put 'snooping', as that sounds a bit accusing, but that's effectively what you were doing, albeit for understandable reasons)

So now you have found out he's being dishonest and he's in schtuck, by being a bit dishonest yourself.

You can either come clean and tell him you've opened his bank statement and voice your concerns that he might have a gambling problem, or you can just sit on the knowledge until he comes clean to you, which I am guessing he will have to at some point.

scaredy_cat

this is Gamcare's site aimed at younger people - http://www.bigdeal.org.uk/

fabforty

How old is he?

Unfortunately you can't raise it with him without admitting that you looked at his bank statement, and depending on his age, will be understandably peeved to discover you had done this. However, if you want to tackle the problem then you might just have to accept he is going to be annoyed with you and suck it up.
Online gambling can be very addictive - in your shoes I would be very concerned about any other money that he has access to, whether its savings, credit cards, payday loans etc.

Mojisola

fabforty wrote: »

Online gambling can be very addictive - in your shoes I would be very concerned about any other money that he has access to, whether its savings, credit cards, payday loans etc.

And whatever's in your purse when he visits you and any little expensive things round the house that he can pocket and sell.

It's horrible to have to think about your own child like that but an addiction changes people. Better to lock away Granny's rings and Grandad's war medals than find they've been sold.

moneysniffer

Did you see which gambling sites the money was going to? If betfair, betdaq or smarkets were amongst them, he could be matched betting? When done correctly, isn't gambling at all but can generate guaranteed profit (there is actually a section on this forum dedicated to it).

Hence it is very popular amongst students!

But, equally, he could just be gambling. Just thought i'd throw it out there though, it's a possibility that shouldn't be discounted, especially if he's usually got his head screwed on financially speaking.

zagfles

moneysniffer wrote: »

Did you see which gambling sites the money was going to? If betfair, betdaq or smarkets were amongst them, he could be matched betting? When done correctly, isn't gambling at all but can generate guaranteed profit (there is actually a section on this forum dedicated to it).

Hence it is very popular amongst students!

But, equally, he could just be gambling. Just thought i'd throw it out there though, it's a possibility that shouldn't be discounted, especially if he's usually got his head screwed on financially speaking.

I was thinking that - and even if it's not matched betting it could be worth pointing him at the Matched Betting forum here which will show him how he can make money from bookies instead of losing to them. I used to like gambling (nothing too serious) but now I only ever matched bet - now when placing bets it just doesn't seem right if I'm not (almost) guaranteed to win

onlyroz

zagfles wrote: »

I was thinking that - and even if it's not matched betting it could be worth pointing him at the Matched Betting forum here which will show him how he can make money from bookies instead of losing to them. I used to like gambling (nothing too serious) but now I only ever matched bet - now when placing bets it just doesn't seem right if I'm not (almost) guaranteed to win

I absolutely would *not* recommend match betting to a compulsive gambler. And I speak from experience :eek:

To the OP - I think you need to confront your son and offer help rather than judgement. If necessary offer to take control of his finances - in particular take possession of his debit card and look into getting some gamblock software for his computer if the problem lies with online gambling.