To help or not to help...

Tropez

itsanne wrote: »

If you're looking for another family to join, Tropez, we'd love to have you.

It's a lovely gesture you're making. Why not just tell the truth, that you'd like to help make a difference with a one off gift to help her get started?

Ah, my mum is fine. It's just some of the rest of them. I think because I'm not "one of them" they view me as someone who is going to nick their inheritance or whatever else, like I even care about that. :rotfl:

I probably am overthinking this somehow but I'm just wary of becoming a crutch for them when they need money but at the same time I wouldn't want them to feel like giving them the money to get this all sorted came with a "don't come asking again!" demand; I just want them to get this hurdle out of the way.

It's probably my negative experiences with certain charities that make me wary. I'm tired of making a donation to a charity who then spends copious amounts of time writing, emailing, calling and even texting me to try and get me to give more.

I try and keep money out of most of my relationships because it does seem to bring out a lot of negatives in people, even me with my over-caution. I did like the idea above about calling it an early xmas gift, and I could combine that with telling them I hope it helps them, gets them started and gives them that chance.

ostrichnomore_2

This is a lovely gesture.

If, however, you don't feel comfortable with it, or can't afford it, then a lot of OU courses have a February start as well, so they could just apply for a replacement passport normally in time for that.

Or perhaps you could offer to pay the difference between a normal passport renewal and the fasttrack one?

Mojisola

Tropez wrote: »

If I did do it, I'd just give them the money for the passport as a one off.

What my parents used to do (and I've followed their lead) is give the helping hand if you can afford it and ask the recipient to "pass the act of kindness on" when they are in a position to do so. They might be able to help someone with a financial gift or by giving time or in any way they can.

The person doesn't owe something back to us which could affect our relationship and what they do and when is up to them - it could be years ahead - there's no reporting back expected.

itsanne

Mojisola wrote: »

What my parents used to do (and I've followed their lead) is give the helping hand if you can afford it and ask the recipient to "pass the act of kindness on" when they are in a position to do so. They might be able to help someone with a financial gift or by giving time or in any way they can.

The person doesn't owe something back to us which could affect our relationship and what they do and when is up to them - it could be years ahead - there's no reporting back expected.

I like this idea best. It allows the gift with no strings attached, makes it reasonably clear that it's a one off and might hopefully encourage your relative to act in a similar way in the future.

I've taken a similar stance in the past when helping someone out, although more along the lines of I would hope someone would do the same for me if I needed it, but think I'll change to this more explicit approach.

itsanne

Tropez wrote: »

I'm tired of making a donation to a charity who then spends copious amounts of time writing, emailing, calling and even texting me to try and get me to give more.

Snap! You would think they'd get the message that it's counter productive.

I have also taken exception to a charity, not one which I give to, cold calling me to ask me to go around the streets collecting for them. They knew nothing about me. For all they knew I could have pocketed most of the money. It has made me much more reluctant to give to collectors in general.

Tropez

Okay, so, they're going to spend the weekend looking for the documents regarding their change of name because they theorised that the documents should be in their mother's house somewhere.

They told me if they couldn't find it that they were going to get a Wonga loan to get the passport sorted, so I have interjected there and told them not to be daft and I'll help them out if it gets that far. They took some persuading but I used the early xmas present line as well as Mojisola's one about doing something nice for someone else in the future.

So we'll see. They just about registered in time for the course (no February start on this one) and they just need to get the finance aspect wrapped up as quick as they can.

January20

Tropez wrote: »

Personally, I don't loan people money because I can't be bothered with the faffing about of getting it back, any excuses, "oh I forgot, sorry" or anything else like that.

If I did do it, I'd just give them the money for the passport as a one off.

For me it's simple:

1. Can you afford it?
2. Would they accept it?
3. Would it make you happy to do it?
4. Would you expect anything in return?

If the answer is yes to the first 3 and no to 4, then (personally I would) go for it!

duchy

I know the huge difference OU makes to lives -plus if they are applying for funding they will need the passport for that too so it's an essential for that as well.

Well done you

DigForVictory

If you can, please give them the money to get the passport sorted? The OU is an impressive step forward, so all their effort getting themselves sorted deserves to be rewarded - *if* you can afford it as a gift?

Tropez

Just a quick bump to say it's sorted.

She didn't find her documents so I gave her the money for the passport and my lovely partner drove her down to London today to get it. I couldn't go because it was apparently urgent that I wait for a phone call from work, which I didn't receive until forty minutes ago, and was basically the same as confirming that 2+2=4. Hmm...

Apparently they hit the traffic on the way back... but they're bringing me KFC so win all round.

Of course, it did occur to me today that she could have acquired her birth certificate from the GRO for twenty odd quid and make a Statutory Declaration of what her name is and it would have worked out less, but she has her ID sorted for the next ten years so that's all fine.